Already

I decided I better keep a log of all the stuff going on so I remember.

I wrote a piece (essay? ramble?) early early Friday morning, about how I don't want to gush about myself on job applications, about how I don't want to get a job by playing society's rules. How I wanted to be able to bust out the human trafficking facts, to ask them questions. To not have to lie about myself or inflate the truth in order to get a job.

Friday afternoon I walked into that store and they didn't have any applications. I got hired. I got to tell the manager about human trafficking in Toledo. He was really interested. I think that's why he hired me. He didn't ask me any questions where I had to make up answers molded for the questions. He simply asked, "what do you like about pizza?" and then about my major.

Friday morning (more like Thursday night) I told G I wasn't playing by society's rules. Friday afternoon, He gave me a job.

YAY!!

and then I panicked. I've known I'm believing some nasty lies for years, and I know that I'm afraid of most things. I had been asking G to reveal those to me. Getting a job made my fear explode. I knew it would happen. I'm also struggling with loneliness. I know the cause though. It's not the way G wants me to live. I'm realizing more and more and more that the person I am inside can't get out because I'm so afraid. And I'm realizing more and more and more that if I could stop being afraid, my life would change so much.

Already, I'm seeing G start to do big things. Freshman year was stretching, sophomore year I learned a lot lot lot and He started setting me free (or I finally started receiving what He has). I've been over it all before. My head knows. My heart ignores.

This summer is going to be big. One week, and it already has been.

This morning I renounced the loneliness. The fear is harder to step away from, because I've been sitting in it for as long as I can remember.

It's the actions that make you bold, not the feelings. It's a choice to be courageous. And if we're called to trust G, then this is pretty blatantly disobedience.

Already I have realized so much. Already He's showing me truth.

(yeah, I'm pretty excited for what this summer holds.)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

Eggs

Today, I stuffed colorful, plastic eggs, and then "hid" them.

Personally, I think this practice is ridiculous. I think it cheapens the meaning of Easter. But I was at someone else's house, and they were doing an egg hunt. So I helped. I was having a hard time not being grumpy in my heart about it.

But it was soggy outside, and it looked so much like spring. I was bending down to put eggs in bushes and next to rocks and I could just smell spring down there in the dirt. Too often I conform to societal norms and don't go sit in the mud and run my fingers through the soggy spring dirt. In that sense, eggs were redeemed.

Still, I would never choose to do egg hunts, and if I ever have kids, which is I highly doubt will happen, they will NOT partake in any "Easter" activities which draw away from Jesus.

My stance is the same, but I can appreciate putting your hands in the dirt for some plastic colorful egg, if only to smell the spring.

Also, my spring bag had its debut today!

it's a beautiful day!

I feel powerful today. Beautiful, and feminine, and powerful.

The more correct term might be capable. Able. Enough. Today I feel like I am enough. It is similar to the feeling I get after I finish a good book. Except I haven’t finished any new books lately.

You have experiences that remind you that you can do this life thing, and succeed in it. Yesterday was scary. (no details, sorry) But it was just another life experience, another bonding experience, another show of God’s grace, reminding me of what real community is and what wonderful friends I have.

A few years ago I went to India. I was with my family, but it still felt like an accomplishment. Just little pieces about being there made me feel like I could do anything. India wasn’t my first trip out of the country, but some of the things I saw there were different from anything else. (I mean, I saw things in Russia that I had never seen before too, but India was a whole different animal from anything before.) India is beautiful. The nature is breathtaking. The culture was colorful- literally. Of course there were things I didn’t like about India, there are tons of things I don’t like about America, and I live here. But some of my experiences there gave me the same sort of feeling when I came home. I can do life here. I am capable of it.

Then I went to Mexico without my parents. It was just four of us girls flying down there for a week before the big group came. That wasn’t hard (except for the Houston airport.. haha) but it was another of those small accomplishments.

And then there was the taxi ride through Turkey in the wee hours of the morning, and getting stuck in a small airport in southern Russia.

For none of these experiences was I alone, but they still helped teach me of my capabilities, especially in community.

Taking care of injured people, bold eye contact, listening to people talk about their fragility…

These two years of college haven’t been delightful. They haven’t been particularly fun. There have been great, wonderful, fun bits, and they come often, but they’ve generally been much more eye opening than fun.

This year and last year have been so different, but they run around the same themes. The broken, emptiness of people. Last night, Lara said something like, “for a top predator, humans are so fragile.” so true. Such different experiences, but so transforming. And today, I feel powerful. capable.

I can’t really explain, but I want to.

I want to spend my life helping girls. America is ruining its girls. That fact is always on my mind. I’m always thinking about how people are, and how people should be.

Some days, I feel like I’ve grasped it. Some days I feel like I can see myself a bit more clearly. Some days, like today, I know, and feel that I am enough. That I am a girl of America, and I’ve made it through. And I have hope. That I can share. Some days, I’ve got it.

Today, I feel powerful and feminine, and enough.

God is so good. He's always with me, but some days His presence feels almost tangible. Some days my heart actually hears that I'm enough and loved and beautiful. Days like today.

Terrific Tuesday!

Today was terrific!

But I'll have to start with last night. I really needed to go to bed but my friend Emily wanted to talk so I talked to her instead of sleeping. (2 hours, not all night, but I only got five hours of sleep) But it was totally worth it. We talked and prayed and it was wonderful.

So then this morning I woke up late, of course, but was still really happy about last night. I even had encouraging dreams. So then my bio lab got out really early so I got alone, quiet time with J!! That was so good.

I smiled at people a lot today. I stare at them till they look and then I smile until they smile back. Sometimes it takes a while. It's a good practice for me cause somehow I pass a ton of guys. Talking with, smiling at girls is easy peasy for me, but guys... practicing.

Then in Contemporary Poetry we had another good conversation about changing America. One guy said, "Someone needs to set off a bomb. So to speak." I LOVED that!

Then I took a twenty minute nap and almost skipped swing. But I went and it was wonderful! We danced a lot, and learned new stuff, and got better at old stuff, and met new people! really really good. And there was new music from the usual and there was some J music stuck in there. SO FUN dancing to music written for J!

Then, they were going to drive back, but I would rather walk. Plus, I already smashed a finger in that car's door so I didn't really want to get in there again. haha. But then I wondered if I could beat them back. Walking through campus is more of a straight shot than taking the roads. So I ran from the Union to the dorm. hahaha. I am SO out of shape!! But it was super fun sprinting through campus. Zombies/Humans were out, and getting ready for their battle tonight. And there I was, hurtling through campus. It was fantastically fun! AND I BEAT THEM! (The car I mean, not the zombies)

Swing dancing felt kind of transformative tonight. I'm trying to put into practice these things I KNOW but don't really believe in my heart, and it was so good having that music behind it tonight. I'm excited. I'm realizing a lot about myself and people in general. yeah. I don't really know what else to say about that. It's impossible to explain. Stuff's happening though. I'm waking up. :)

GOOD DAY because GOD IS GOOD!

such is life

Sometimes I get annoyed when blogs are only ideas and no personal bits. So I was going to write about the boring bits of my day, but then about 1.3 seconds changed it.

I saw the boy-who-is-not-perfect again today. Ok, I guess I see him often enough, but that is only the second time we've made eye contact outside of dancing. This is pretty much not a story at all, but I am going to start at the beginning anyway, because that is what I was originally going to write about. So this morning I had a smoothie (orange mango, yum) with Joan (liquid), and then water and a v8. liquid liquid. (along with solid food of course.) So when I got to Marine Biology, I really needed to pee. But I decided to wait, I knew I could. To make it better yet, we took notes about the digestive system. pee. It wasn't pleasant. My original plan was to go after class to the union and go there and then read. But when I stood up when class ended, that wasn't the ideal option. I looked for a bathroom in the building I have the class in, but couldn't find one. (There was a men's, but I couldn't find the women's. What's up with that?) So I went to the next door building (math and science). I was a bit annoyed because the hallway was so crowded, and then the boy-who-is-not-perfect passed me. I didn't know if I wanted to acknowledge him or not, but at the last minute I gave him a smug, I know who you are look. At least, that's what I tell myself. I think it was probably more likely a half smile. We made eye contact, somehow, but there was no recognition on his part. I didn't have time to overanalyze it in my dash to the bathroom. (good thing.)

It's always slightly disappointing when someone doesn't remember you. But he's a boy. Anyways, I tend to remember people I meet. Yeah, sometimes I forget faces, but usually when I see them I remember. Or at least figure out that I've met them when they obviously know who I am. I just think about people too much.

It's totally fine. As much as I want to know the ending, God's not going to tell me. I hate being distracted, but God knows my frustration. I kinda wish God would erase him from my memory completely, but I think that's pretty unlikely.

Ah, such is life!

Have a great day!

need

i wanna go meaningful and deep with people. past the weather, how tired we are, our school work. i want to get to what we need. what are you passionate about? what are your desires? what do you want to accomplish? tell me about your family. tell me about your inspirations. what did you want to be when you were a child? tell me about the best day of your life. what are you afraid of? what do you like about your best friend? what are three things you like about yourself? if you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? if you could change one thing about the world what would it be? do you feel valued in this place? do you feel like you are enough? what do you want? what would make you happy? if you had to live somewhere but not america or canada where would you live? what would make today great? tell me about one of your favorite books and why it is your favorite. tell me what you want in a friendship. describe what a great vacation would be. tell me about a time you felt appreciated. if you had a million dollars and couldn't spend it on yourself or your family, what would you do with it? what do you do when you feel lonely? tell me about the last time you felt completely understood. tell me about what kind of nature you like. tell me about someone you have lost. tell me about someone you never knew but wanted to. tell me about a pet. tell me about something that bothers you but not other people. tell me something you have always wanted to do but have been to afraid to. tell me how you're really doing today. tell me three good things about today. how do you express your happiness? how do you express your sadness? tell me about a time you did something and got made fun of for it. tell me about yourself.

do you like to swing? do you like to walk? do you want to do either of those things with me? how about lunch? would you have a meal with me? do you want to be friends?

bumble rumble

So I guess I have to change it. The culture. So I guess no one else is stepping up. I guess J doesn’t set us free so we can sit around and wait.

This is my forever! I’ll wear what I want! I’ll dance and skip when I want! I’ll be!

I had a great weekend. I didn’t really do any work… but I did more important things. J My friend T came to visit me, and then tonight I hung out with my swing friends.

Tomorrow is Monday and jam packed. But I’m trusting it to be a good jam packed. I added some things to my list of epic.

The Cinci zoo had a baby giraffe!

I’m realizing how crazy different I am from the culture and people in it. That’s a GOOD thing. I’m just saying, I’m noticing it more. Like, wow. Everything about me is different. I’m learning how to live with people who are clinging to the values and norms of the culture. (ok, not everything, but hanging out with people, I’m seeing the differences very clearly.) radical. (but how else is there to live?) the trick, I think, is learning how to respond to people who dislike it, whether that be out loud or in my heart.

Cause I am so done with status quo. It’s so boring. Money is so dull. Movies lie. Academics are not interesting. I don’t want to chase that crap.

Happy. Cause J is so so SO amazing. Cause I’m not called to a boring life. Cause I am radically different. J

Happy.

Happy.

Happy!

ready. set. go!

what I wrote at lunch

I'll beg You till my lips turn blue,
till my knees break down,
till I forget my name.

I am sorry for before,
for when I wanted to hold it,
I am ashamed.
This is the

worst
annoyance and I'd rather be as I am!
stubborn,
not needing what they say I need
but trusting You higher than the books, the friends, the songs.
Is there respite?
Is there removal?
I want to hear. I want to listen sharp.
If you would clear my mind of this,
start this fresh.
How many years will this loyalty take to dissipate?
How many months till I see hand in hand, hold despair on my tongue and wonder... --"for how long?"

How many days till a friend gets tired of waiting and announces she... thinking me fine, my stubborn heart so strong, that I don't care.
How many days till I am alone in this, and they are tired of comforting my agony and move in for their own pursuit?

Not that kind, but so much deeper,
so much more loyal. protective.

How many years till You tell him, till You show and he realizes?

How many of us will it take? How many of us will there be? How many more of those like me? Could we meet for lunch? for tea?

response to earthquake

Christ is risen from the dead,

we are one with Him again!

come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave!

oh, death, where is your sting?

oh, hell, where is your victory?

oh Church, come stand in the Light!

the Glory of God has defeated the night!

oh church, come stand in the Light

our God is not dead, He's alive! He's alive!

(Christ is Risen, Matt Maher)

Jai Jai Yeshu Jai Jai Ho!

(Aradhna)

That is my response. My God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive!

They say change doesn’t happen over night.

They also say follow your heart, as if your heart is infallible. As if your heart knows the future, or what you really need, or what the other party feels about you.

They say you’ll find someone perfect. Does that mean you are perfect for someone? Do your flaws suddenly disappear?

They say what’s meant to be will be. They say your happily ever after will come. What about war? What about disease? Hardships?

They say those who mind don’t matter. What if the whole world minds?

They say you need a job that pays well. Security. A big car, a big house, a big grocery store.

They say you’d look so good if you’d only… and you get such a list you can’t even keep up with it all.

They say God bless America, when obviously He already has. Immensely.

They say winter is gloomy and cold weather is horrible. They say rain is bad but they like flowers. They like the green of summer. Without rain, there are no flowers. Put on some galoshes and deal with it gladly.

They say you need to have written goals.

They say you can do anything you want to do, unless that is something that doesn’t pay much, or something far away, or something you need to be alone for.

They say “good” is an acceptable response to questions.

They say speed limits are suggestions, and that you should go at least five over, unless you are driving in Terrace Park. Only then should you not pass the limit.

They say not to care what others think. Why all the fads then? Why the wrinkle creams? Why the smelly stuff? You can say over and over that you do it for yourself. But if you were the only person on earth would you bother fixing your beautiful laugh wrinkles?

They say be yourself, and then get in your face with images of what you want, what you need.

They say you should only rely on yourself. That no one knows what is best for you but you.

They say you are powerful, you are valuable, you are something special. But your clothes are the wrong shapes and colors and your hair has too many split ends and maybe you should get a pair of these shoes while you’re at it and you should smell like this and you should definitely watch this movie and read that book on some electronic device and join that club…

I refuse to believe it anymore. I refuse to put up with it. I refuse to sit passively by while these things are shouted at me.

Change doesn’t happen over night. That is my excuse. One little step at a time, they say. But you don’t learn to swim by putting one toe in at a time.

So let’s go. I want to do this.

This is not meant to be depressing. I had these thoughts meandering about in my head and I had to get them out. And what better time to force them out than late at night? Everything here is my opinion, so please no one be offended. (It does make me slightly sad that I have to write this, but oh well.)

Jumbled

for the first time in my life, I have what I want. truly.

and then other things get thrown in, and they mean nothing to me. I feel as if I should want them, feel as if I should care, but I really don't.

and then I'm stuck, between being distracted, and loving what I have, and wondering what is good and what is better, and what is not as good.

I always thought this would be the arrival, but there is still so long to go.

every part of me wants only Jesus. My heart, my mind, my soul, my imagination, every part of me wants only Jesus. And society is taunting me. It's not temptation, I don't WANT it! But the values and thoughts of the world are trying so hard to convince me otherwise.

Stop distracting me! I have what I want!

reasons, I want my reasons to be faith. to be loyalty.

something M told me

My sister told me that her friend (who is 40 and single) told her (confusing, I know) that G might never take away the desire to get married, so we have to depend on Him.

My first response is that it's not fair at all! People who get married don't have to deal with something like that! But then, they have other things to deal with. It's probably not fair, but it'll be a grand adventure with my G either way.

whoooo boy. Ok G, I'm ready for this adventure. (Or, I think I am. Probably I'm not. will You prepare me? :) )

Power

I was walking back from swing dancing tonight, being all giggly and happy, and all of a sudden I saw this HUGE shooting star looking thing falling through the sky. It even kinda had a tail. It was big enough and slow enough that I wondered if it was man made. But it wasn't. I know deep down that it was something awesome and astronomical, and showing J's love. showing the awesomeness of G. You don't have to agree, but I have no ifs ands or doubts about it. It was incredible, and gorgeous, and HUGE. Coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. I'll remember it for the rest of my life and beyond :)