something M told me

My sister told me that her friend (who is 40 and single) told her (confusing, I know) that G might never take away the desire to get married, so we have to depend on Him.

My first response is that it's not fair at all! People who get married don't have to deal with something like that! But then, they have other things to deal with. It's probably not fair, but it'll be a grand adventure with my G either way.

whoooo boy. Ok G, I'm ready for this adventure. (Or, I think I am. Probably I'm not. will You prepare me? :) )

there are days.

There are days when you realize how blessed you are.

Today my friend said several things that made me realize that she appreciates our friendship, that made me realize she trusts me with pieces of her heart.

Some days you just remember how loved you are.

Some days you remember that people want to be with you, people want to share life with you. lovely.

Jason Morant

Lovely

Hosanna

I really like his stuff. But my favorites aren't for sale through itunes. :(

oh well. youtube works!

chick flicks

I really like romantic comedies.

But I think it's no coincidence the types of moods that come out of them. You know, the half depressed half hopeful wanting, the unrealistic expectations, the way your brain stays on the storyline for far too long. Who doesn't want a fairy tale?

I want to try to get away from them. I realize I won't be able to do it completely, because there are parties, and time with friends. (And I definitely don't want to be legalistic about it.) And I won't be able to give up on a few of them, the ones that are just sweet or have a better meaning, or ones in which the characters are not perfect. But I don't want to be a chick flick chaser. I don't think they're so good for my health. I don't think they're harmless.

Maybe someday I'll be able to cut them out almost completely. baby steps.

We need a revolution.

We need a movement.

Rumblings.

J

is

so

amazing

and

wonderful!

i

am

so

in

love.

i feel as if i should SPIN!

I don't know why I have a headache today, but it is not ruining my day, nor will it stop me from sharing my story tonight.

Just sayin'

in case that was the reason behind it.

G is way way

way

bigger.

choose joy!

~P

I have dreamed about dancing the Charleston several nights in a row now. :)

Lucy thoughts

I want to be like Lucy Pevensie.

Not Disney/Walden's Lucy Pevensie, C.S. Lewis's Lucy Pevensie.

I want to be valiant.

I want to be with J in the trees. (or without the trees.)

I want to be completely in love with my Lion. Because after all, Aslan goes by a different name in this world.

"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"
"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.
"Are -are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.
"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."

— C.S. Lewis (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)

A mom once wrote to C.S. Lewis because her son was worried he loved Aslan more than J. And he replied,

Laurence can't really love Aslan more than Jesus, even if he feels that's what he is doing. For the things he loves Aslan for doing or saying are simply the things Jesus really did and said. So that when Laurence thinks he is loving Aslan, he is really loving Jesus: and perhaps loving Him more than he ever did before.

Completely in love with my Lion.

(the music I am listening to that reminds me of Him: Day Two, Moksha)

Let's go.

Saturday

Today I woke up at about 8 when the whole room was glowing gold. Then I went back to sleep till the roomie woke up at 9:30. She went to shower and I read my book for a while. (Walking With God by John Eldrege) It was lovely. And then when I finally got up Lara and I got breakfast. Then we went for a really long walk. We walked to the airport :) and then she showed me a new hill and pond. There is a big slab of rock leading down the water so we laid on our backs and stared at the sky and basked in the sun. It was gorgeous. And then we walked back. :) DELIGHTFUL. It's also GORGEOUS outside with not a cloud in the sky and while we were out it was BLUE BLUE BLUE! And now I need to do homework. (But I did start yesterday :) ) So it's basically the best day I've had in a long time. :)

Have a happy day! Choose joy!

~P

quiet

Today I had a headache. Actually it came yesterday evening while dancing, and lasted through today. (Still going.) So I went to Spanish and seriously considered just going back to my room and trying to sleep. (Though that wouldn't actually have worked because of the t.v.) I went to poetry anyway, and as I walked out of Eppler, I noticed it was sunny. LOVELY. And then I got to poetry and my professor (is she still called that if she's a grad student?) said she was feeling tired and thought we needed a calm day. So we did a writer's colony (I don't know if that's the right term..) and we all took off in opposite directions and just wrote. Then we got back together and talked about it a little. I went to where the clock tower is, and there are benches surrounding it. I wrote some, but that's not the point. I turned on my music and then decided to just have quiet and turned it off. It was prescribed quiet. It was still class time, so I could just relax, write whatever I wanted, and listen to the nature. The birds were happy, the tree was creeking, the ice was dripping off the bush next to me. It was just nice. And the cool, calm winter air took my mind away from my headache. It was so nice to just be quiet and write about that. I'm not one of those people who never stops, no no, I take my breaks, but I didn't have to feel guilty during this time. I wasn't taking a break feeling like I should be doing something else. I was taking a break during time set aside for it. (Yes, I was writing, but I always write. :) )

In other non-news, I'm really tired of eating alone in my room. I don't particularly want to eat alone not in my room though. Maybe I should start a club for people who don't eat with their friends. It also feels like it should be Friday.

but have a lovely evening!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm going to wish you a good one now!

I like Valentine's Day. I think it's wonderful to show people your love. And if you're single, you still have friends, don't you? You still have a family, don't you?

so Happy Valentine's Day!!

friday night

I may have to shut the window.

I guess with the fan on I don't hear the wind. But I don't like the fan. I like the wind. But it might be hard to fall asleep to.

So very tired.

So much sitting over my head.

Oasis tonight. Was good. but now I am exhausted.

But G is rumbling. (M's word, not mine) all over the world. He is. I've faith.

I can't believe we didn't leave that church till after 11. Crazy.

mmm.

sleep.

I like dorm beds. They're up high, and they're comfy, and I have nice blankets that I can scrunch around and make a nest out of. And they're long enough, but not too wide.

I think I won't set my alarm for tomorrow. Most saturdays I do, but I think I'm tired enough not to. I think once in a few weeks it'll be ok to sleep in, even if I do have six classes and six projects. sigh.

We got to sing Beautiful Things by Gungor tonight! Love that song!

babbling, rambling, time for bed!

...now to just drag myself off to the bathroom and then climb the ladder up to my dragon nest... ('cause you know, I am a dragon.)

I post too much.

I post too much.

But I have become obsessed with writing. I love pouring out my heart in words for people to read in their own sweet time, to interpret how they will. Maybe I'm too open. But I'm obsessed. I want to publish my poems. I doubt they're good enough for the real world of professional poets. I am only an amateur, after all. And I do not want to become proud. I want my poems to get under people's skin. I want my poems to affect people. (effect?) I want G to speak through them. I want people to read them, but not to remark on me.

yeah. That's all I got.

happy day

~p

Power

I was walking back from swing dancing tonight, being all giggly and happy, and all of a sudden I saw this HUGE shooting star looking thing falling through the sky. It even kinda had a tail. It was big enough and slow enough that I wondered if it was man made. But it wasn't. I know deep down that it was something awesome and astronomical, and showing J's love. showing the awesomeness of G. You don't have to agree, but I have no ifs ands or doubts about it. It was incredible, and gorgeous, and HUGE. Coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. I'll remember it for the rest of my life and beyond :)

like I'm supposed to live

I need to write. (I need to SPEAK.) At lifegroup last night we talked about fear. Yeah, I’m pretty much afraid of everything, which I think means I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of people thinking I’m bat poo crazy. I’m afraid that people won’t like me, that people won’t be kind to me, that people won’t take me seriously. I’m afraid that people won’t want to be around me. I’m afraid of what they will think. I’m terrified to speak in Ethnic studies because I think they’ll murder me. They’ll hate me. I’m not afraid of not saying what she wants. I’m afraid I will say what she wants and they’ll all eat me alive.

I write a LOT more than I talk. I LIKE to talk, and at the same time I think it’s probably better to write more. But sometimes I have things to say and just don’t. And I think I have decided that it’s hard to come up with things to say on the spot. An excuse. If I practiced it would be easier. But I don’t trust God to use my fumbled words. I WANT to be free. so badly. I want to dance with Jesus and skip and spin. I want I want I want. I could say that all day.

And if I lived like I was totally in love with J, my life would be RADICALLY different. If I lived like He is my first love, like I am not trying to please anyone but Him, my life would be so radically different. People like me as I am now. QUIET. NICE. ACCOMADATING. I’m not saying those things might change incredibly much, because they’re not bad things. I’ll always be more quiet than a lot of people. Quiet is good. But I’m tired of being practically mute. I want to be gentle and patient and kind, but “nice” was never the goal. That’s hard to explain so I’m not going to. Accommodating can be good too, but not when it means passively sitting by and observing something that is wrong.

If I lived like I am totally in love with God, I would be forced to move out of my fear, out of my comfort. People wouldn’t understand me and they’d hate that. They wouldn’t understand why I find cranberry apple raspberry juice so beautiful. Why I decide to walk backwards so I can watch the sunrise. Why I ask strangers deep questions.

The me that’s inside is SO different than the me that most people see. This weekend that fact sort of exploded. I’m so tired of people assuming so many things about me because all they see of me is quiet, nice, and doesn’t cuss. Part of me is crazy passionate, but I try to hide that around people I don’t know well. Why do I do that? Passion is a good thing. Part of me is a goof. But I don’t want people to dislike my humor. Anyway, there is so much more to me than quiet and nice.

I’m not writing this because I have low self esteem and need you to tell me you like me just the way I am. Thanks, I like myself too. I’m writing this because my life could be radically different if I lived like I believe. I’m writing this because I’m tried of settling for nice. I’m writing this because I want to be translucent, not opaque. I’m writing this because I think I have some friends who will relate. Maybe this could be encouraging. I’m writing this because I want to change, and I need to be straightforward. I’m writing this because it’s what I do. I write.

People say change doesn’t happen over night, but I don’t really know how to ease into this. I kinda see it as all or nothing, and for the past several years it’s been nothing. I can’t wait until my heart is all fixed up to start this. Maybe the doing will start the fixing. I don’t know. But if I wait, it’s never going to happen.

I’m tired of fooling around. I want to live like I’m in love! Cause I am!

bro

every girl aches for an older brother.

all I know of you, science tells me,

says you liked the smells of vanilla and strawberries.

we were similar, you and me

my heart was broken too,

but mine was (quickly) mended.

winter babies, both of us,

and middle names related.

you slept there first and later, I.

you can miss a place you’ve never been,

love a soul you’ve never met.

you are our tragedy,

even if I was not blessed to meet you,

we are connected, you and me

included in my family tree,

always love you brother.

(and somewhere, if I ever had a son I’d name him after you.)

we woulda been buddies.

thankful for:

1. snow

2. not much homework.

3. quiet

4. good music

5. good friends

6. Dinner with E. And in talking to her, remembering that it's not just me. And realizing that she understands too.

So how do I get me out? How do I get the joy out? How do I start acting like who I am inside?

Something in me is breaking. Literally. I hate all this metaphor stuff. "Take one step towards G and he will come meet you." Well how do I do that? I'm trying here, but I feel nothing. I know that love and believing isn't feeling, but it sure would help. But besides that, I feel quite literally like something is breaking inside of me. In a good way.

But how do I get me out?

I feel like you think I'm bland and boring.

The world will always hate me.

I think the problem is I've begun to hate the world.

Stop assuming you know who I am inside.

Stop assuming I'm bland like cooked carrots just because I don't cuss or make sick jokes or watch gory movies.

Don't censor yourself around me for MY sake.

Don't say empty things like, "aww, we love you" and then continue to disrespect me.

Don't say to my face, "we're waiting for you to leave so we can watch this movie." Hate to break it to you, but it's my room too.

Don't say, "three against two we're watching it." when you're in my room. you can watch that movie somewhere else. I am NOT having that on while I'm in my room.

I shouldn't have to find somewhere else to go to do homework.

Don't say you're in the presence of "polite company" and then clarify that that means me.

Don't call me a loser, even in a joking way. I like words like darling and dear, not loser and bleep.

Stop assuming you know me.

You don't understand.

You never will.

I have listened to Sia's Breathe Me four times in a row and will continue to do so until I go outside and blow off steam out there.

Times like these I wish I had a good friend here who would drop everything and just walk with me outside, quietly, not saying anything, or just let me be in their room. Or just give me a hug and understand. Or just let me cry and not ask a million questions. Or maybe I do have that friend. Maybe I'm too afraid to ask her.

Do I give off such a boring image? Do I act like a cooked carrot? What gives people the impression I'm so dull?

well yeah. that's my heart tonight.

Update: I went over to my wonderful friend Joan's suite for a bit and that was SO nice. It was wonderful just to get out of my room and take a good walk across campus. I didn't bring my ipod, and as I was walking back I realized how wonderful it was to just walk in quiet. So anyway, many thanks to Joan! (And Nicole for listening too!) So my day started well and ended well. All's well that ends well, right?

Tired

Tired.

like, need a retreat in the mountains tired.

like, "Oh, my G" song by Jars of Clay tired.

like, I have poetry to write but something won't let the words out tired.

Tired.

plastic bags or cardboard boxes?

Katy Perry's song "Firework" starts with the line, "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind?" I hear the song a LOT and so I've thought about her question. I'm sure some people could relate to that, and it is a perfectly lovely song (just incredibly over played. But! I'd rather have "Firework" over played than some other songs.) Anyway, No, I have never felt like a plastic bag. I relate more to cardboard boxes. Let me explain? When you see a plastic bag stuck blowing around in a tree, or bouncing along on the ground, the first thing you think is, "is it a bird?" (ok, that's what I think. I can't exactly speak for you.) And then you realize it's a plastic bag. You might be sad that there is trash way up there in the tree, or pick it up off the ground, or you might just go on your way. But you noticed it. A cardboard box, on the other hand, sits there in its soggyness on the side of the highway and no one gives it a further glance, unless they mistake it for roadkill or it has puppies in it.) So they're both unwanted pieces of garbage, cardboard boxes are practically invisible. And no one ever mistakes them for birds. Just sayin'.

:) have a nice day!

Well imagine that.

I can't get the words out. I can't find words at all. I have time, I have a pencil, and I have paper.

And I can't find the words.

I have an idea, two ideas actually. I need to write it. But the words are being elusive today.

Imagine that.

Feb 2

So it did snow! Quite a bit! And it winded more and there are lovely large piles of snow all over campus! My first class got canceled because the classroom door was locked. (amazing!) Second class was canceled from the beginning of the semester because the prof is at a conference. Third class is a video, which he said we could watch on our own. And it just got really bright outside like the sun might come out or something. I had a lovely lunch at the dial today (alone) and saw four! people I sort of know. I'm going to go play later and take pictures!! ...Also, I'm reading the Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson for my craft of poetry class. It's brilliant, but oh so sad. (It's a novel in verse.) I started it before my first class (which turned out to be canceled) and then went back to the union to keep reading. An hour later when I looked at my watch thinking it had been twenty minutes I was almost done. (It's a quick read) It sucked me in. :) So Lara and Clarissa and I played in the snow for a few hours this afternoon. We climbed up and down the "mountains." It was fantastica! Then we got starbucks. (I got chai. mmmm) Then I got back and had a spontaneous dinner with my good friend Emily! Now I need to do homework. Happy Happy day!! :D