You've put strong bones in my body,
stronger words in my soul.
Only the days I recognize You can this brain produce these soft syllables.
So many words waiting.
I learn how to wait through these words.
brilliant, soft, powerful, gentle, and they roll.
and they wait for months, for years.
still useful,
but not for yet.
but I cherish them.
not for what they've done,
but just for who they are.
not even close,
but still.
loved.
wait.
5/31/12
5/28/12
India, again, always.
In this house I have to shout to be heard. And then, many
times, no one acknowledges I’ve said anything. No wonder I’m quiet in other
places. Well, and the fact that I cannot talk about weather.
Playing with light. I thought that sounded poetic.
Sweat. Best for contemplating though, I think.
I started a book about Gladys Alyward today. Oh my goodness.
Crazy story. Really amazing. God stuff.
I went for a meandering bike ride tonight. The sun was just
starting to set. Said some hellos, raced a dog down the fence.
It is when I have no semblance of control in a situation
that I am happiest- that I feel secure. I’d rather watch a lightening storm
outside. Only God can protect me there, and there I am most safe.
I need to go back to India. Maybe it is a want, I don’t
know. It was overwhelming and uncomfortable and hot and scary and beautiful.
Overwhelming, but it wasn’t empty. This place is empty. I think about emptiness
a lot, because I feel its presence. Or, perhaps, I feel the absence of life.
Life isn’t the right word either. Of course there is life here, but it
isn’t full.
My parents and I watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
today. Really good. It captured India pretty well I think, at least for a
visit. And it set me off again, wanting to bring life to America. One of the
quotes in the movie said something like it is a place that “assaults the
senses.” And for some, it is what they’re used to and they just go about their
daily lives. And for others, the goal is to survive, the hope is to thrive.
You can’t just plod through life there.
I wrote about my passions changing. I want to be somewhere
where life is full, but I want Americans to have that. I want to assault their
senses.
White birds.
I want to chase life. No- scratch that. I will chase life.
And I will drag you along with me. I will ask you deep, probing questions. I
won’t settle for talking about weather.
I believe God has plans for this.
5/26/12
The best kind
This is the best kind of night.
I worked a lot today. Painted, mowed the lawn, helped out at the church clothing sale. Mama and I watched The Vow and drank hard lemonade. And now, it is 11:29, and I need to be going to bed because I have to leave for church at 8. But. I am sitting in my room at my desk, the desk light on, and my room is messy. Clothes, and random things- sunglasses, bracelets, my camera, a necklace from last night- lots of things. Sometimes I like to be messy because it reminds me there are more important things in my life than cleaning my room. I'm listening to Be Here Now by Ray Lamontagne. I like this song a lot. I'm PMSing, so my brain feels all at once alert and fuzzy. It's hot, the window is open, plaid pajama pants that we bought at Walgreens four years ago. I smell of sweat.
The best kind of night. When you're up too late and your brain is calm and thoughtful. And your room is warm-bright, and there are piles of things.
An interesting day.
warm-bright.
good.
Good night Lovelies~
P
I worked a lot today. Painted, mowed the lawn, helped out at the church clothing sale. Mama and I watched The Vow and drank hard lemonade. And now, it is 11:29, and I need to be going to bed because I have to leave for church at 8. But. I am sitting in my room at my desk, the desk light on, and my room is messy. Clothes, and random things- sunglasses, bracelets, my camera, a necklace from last night- lots of things. Sometimes I like to be messy because it reminds me there are more important things in my life than cleaning my room. I'm listening to Be Here Now by Ray Lamontagne. I like this song a lot. I'm PMSing, so my brain feels all at once alert and fuzzy. It's hot, the window is open, plaid pajama pants that we bought at Walgreens four years ago. I smell of sweat.
The best kind of night. When you're up too late and your brain is calm and thoughtful. And your room is warm-bright, and there are piles of things.
An interesting day.
warm-bright.
good.
Good night Lovelies~
P
5/24/12
deer baby and stars
Today I grumpily went out to spend some time with G.
Saw something through the fence in the neighbor's yard, a rabbit?
a fawn!
It stayed in the middle of the yard for a few hours and then moved to under a bush.
(I did research. It was safe.)
So basically all day I would do a few things, and then run outside to check on Deer. :)
and then in the evening my papa and I camped out there.
It was so nice, to just sit in the quiet (though with the birds it was really quite loud) and relax.
and then when the sun set, the stars became visible and it was beautiful.
his bush spot. We thought this was pretty clever.
yeah, I wear crocs. They feel like pillows on my feet.
the endish of the sunset. Some geese flew by in perfect formation. (Well, what is perfect, really? But it was perfect to me.
:) ahhh the simple things. I need to just sit outside more!
and oh how He loves me all the time! though I don't deserve it at ALLLLL. WOAH J! A whole day to have my maternal instincts wig out over a baby deer, a whole day to enjoy the beauty of spring, and stars, and just... woaaaah! :)
Saw something through the fence in the neighbor's yard, a rabbit?
a fawn!
It stayed in the middle of the yard for a few hours and then moved to under a bush.
(I did research. It was safe.)
So basically all day I would do a few things, and then run outside to check on Deer. :)
and then in the evening my papa and I camped out there.
It was so nice, to just sit in the quiet (though with the birds it was really quite loud) and relax.
and then when the sun set, the stars became visible and it was beautiful.
his bush spot. We thought this was pretty clever.
yeah, I wear crocs. They feel like pillows on my feet.
the endish of the sunset. Some geese flew by in perfect formation. (Well, what is perfect, really? But it was perfect to me.
:) ahhh the simple things. I need to just sit outside more!
and oh how He loves me all the time! though I don't deserve it at ALLLLL. WOAH J! A whole day to have my maternal instincts wig out over a baby deer, a whole day to enjoy the beauty of spring, and stars, and just... woaaaah! :)
5/23/12
Wednesday thoughts from a Moroccan journal.
Engrave Your laughter
onto my bones,
these aching joints
cannot giggle so loud.
This. is Your laughter painted
on this ceiling.
Your joy echoes in this
damp air
of this stone room,
fills up our lungs with
soft rejoicing,
whispers to let go of later,
in the soft surrender of dusk.
and You are all of it.
5/17/12
5/14/12
changing
My passions are changing. It's slightly scary. I do not know if this is what God wants, or if my heart is choosing to be rebellious. I'm not worried, it is just an interesting something to think about. And I do think I am allowed to think about it.
Example. My heart wants to live in some rugged, beautiful place far away. Some place that is full of life and draining. Some place that is not empty of meaning or spirituality or life. I think, if I am honest with myself, I am afraid of loneliness. Fear might not be the right word. But whatever the emotion it brings (besides itself, of course), I don't like it. It is not at all pleasant to be lonely, not at all comfortable. And I know I say all the time that we (followers of Jesus) are not called to comfort, but loneliness is one type of uncomfortable I just don't want to deal with.
But. I also want to fight against loneliness and emptiness. I hate being lonely. But I want to go into the lonely places. And when I think of lonely places, I do not think of the culture rich places I dream about living in, I think of America.
I remember reading once that people working with Mother Theresa, when given the opportunity to work in Calcutta or America, often chose Calcutta because of the loneliness in America. I can't remember the book I read that in, but I haven't forgotten it. (Also I can't seem to find the right version of the word- Kolkata or Calcutta...)
I am sure lonely exists in every city of the world, but I cannot shake the feeling I will live here, at least for some portion of my life. (I mean, I already do, have, but you know.)
I know. I still have time. No need to think about that far into the future yet. But I like to.
I'm not saying anything. I trust God. There is no doubt in my mind that my life in Him will be full.
His opportunities for my life are endless. I would love to work with victims of human trafficking, but even more, I would love to communicate to men that buying sex is not allowed, not okay. I do believe that every one matters. And I also want to get to the root of the problem, the hearts. Every one girl who is rescued is incredibly important, and every one heart that is changed is also incredibly important. Stopping the selling and buying of human beings would be glorious. And changing the heart of one person to fight the trade, or at least decide not to take part in it would be beautiful too.
I believe in going to the unreached people groups and translating Books and showing films in jungles, and giving goats and sponsoring children and teaching sustainable farming methods and teaching English and sermons and all that good stuff.
My passions are changing. It's not that some are going away and others are filling the place, but that my heart's desires are becoming narrowed, and clear, and perhaps even broadening. There are more opportunities, so so so many ways God can use me, and the end goal is incredibly narrow. Show them Jesus, give an opportunity to step away from the lonely, the empty.
Well, enough rambling for now, I'm going outside. I will probably come back and ramble more later. ;)
thanks for reading.
Example. My heart wants to live in some rugged, beautiful place far away. Some place that is full of life and draining. Some place that is not empty of meaning or spirituality or life. I think, if I am honest with myself, I am afraid of loneliness. Fear might not be the right word. But whatever the emotion it brings (besides itself, of course), I don't like it. It is not at all pleasant to be lonely, not at all comfortable. And I know I say all the time that we (followers of Jesus) are not called to comfort, but loneliness is one type of uncomfortable I just don't want to deal with.
But. I also want to fight against loneliness and emptiness. I hate being lonely. But I want to go into the lonely places. And when I think of lonely places, I do not think of the culture rich places I dream about living in, I think of America.
I remember reading once that people working with Mother Theresa, when given the opportunity to work in Calcutta or America, often chose Calcutta because of the loneliness in America. I can't remember the book I read that in, but I haven't forgotten it. (Also I can't seem to find the right version of the word- Kolkata or Calcutta...)
I am sure lonely exists in every city of the world, but I cannot shake the feeling I will live here, at least for some portion of my life. (I mean, I already do, have, but you know.)
I know. I still have time. No need to think about that far into the future yet. But I like to.
I'm not saying anything. I trust God. There is no doubt in my mind that my life in Him will be full.
His opportunities for my life are endless. I would love to work with victims of human trafficking, but even more, I would love to communicate to men that buying sex is not allowed, not okay. I do believe that every one matters. And I also want to get to the root of the problem, the hearts. Every one girl who is rescued is incredibly important, and every one heart that is changed is also incredibly important. Stopping the selling and buying of human beings would be glorious. And changing the heart of one person to fight the trade, or at least decide not to take part in it would be beautiful too.
I believe in going to the unreached people groups and translating Books and showing films in jungles, and giving goats and sponsoring children and teaching sustainable farming methods and teaching English and sermons and all that good stuff.
My passions are changing. It's not that some are going away and others are filling the place, but that my heart's desires are becoming narrowed, and clear, and perhaps even broadening. There are more opportunities, so so so many ways God can use me, and the end goal is incredibly narrow. Show them Jesus, give an opportunity to step away from the lonely, the empty.
Well, enough rambling for now, I'm going outside. I will probably come back and ramble more later. ;)
thanks for reading.
5/7/12
i want to take care of people.
a friend just put on her facebook status that she is sick- any remedies for throat pain- I said honey and tea. but that's not the point. the point is she's in russia and i'm here. and i don't know her very well, but i wish i was there so i could personally make her tea with honey so she doesn't have to.
this huge surging in my heart to want to take care of people.
it is interesting.
encouraging.
hopeful.
a friend just put on her facebook status that she is sick- any remedies for throat pain- I said honey and tea. but that's not the point. the point is she's in russia and i'm here. and i don't know her very well, but i wish i was there so i could personally make her tea with honey so she doesn't have to.
this huge surging in my heart to want to take care of people.
it is interesting.
encouraging.
hopeful.
RAIN!
the rain.
my heart can hardly contain
its joy.
life and power
crashing and dancing
and trembling joy,
and the birds sing until bedtime.
God
and night
and rain
how could you possibly
want anything else,
dear heart?
my heart is leaping inside of me
listening,
my ears are laughing
my heart is dancing
God
with rain.
my heart can hardly contain
its joy.
life and power
crashing and dancing
and trembling joy,
and the birds sing until bedtime.
God
and night
and rain
how could you possibly
want anything else,
dear heart?
my heart is leaping inside of me
listening,
my ears are laughing
my heart is dancing
God
with rain.
5/6/12
We talk about Jesus.
The Jesus who hangs out with drug addicts and tax collectors and prostitutes.
The Jesus who sits on the couch, slouched, legs stretched out drinking tap water out of a class on a coaster with a picture of a wombat, talking to us. "Yeah, I know it's hard. I got it."
We read books. Me, Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliot, and mama, God Behaving Badly by David T. Lamb.
Water in glasses, the ice all melted, the windows open, two dragonfly type bugs mating on the window screen, can't see outside but sitting right next to it, listening to the beginnings of summer bugs, almost chilly.
The Jesus who hangs out with drug addicts and tax collectors and prostitutes.
The Jesus who sits on the couch, slouched, legs stretched out drinking tap water out of a class on a coaster with a picture of a wombat, talking to us. "Yeah, I know it's hard. I got it."
We read books. Me, Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliot, and mama, God Behaving Badly by David T. Lamb.
Water in glasses, the ice all melted, the windows open, two dragonfly type bugs mating on the window screen, can't see outside but sitting right next to it, listening to the beginnings of summer bugs, almost chilly.
5/4/12
thanks
Jesus
that He made me for wonder
wind
my loving parents who will take the day off to come pack my things into the van and drive me home
my beautiful, loving, supportive community in this town
and that there are people all over the world who love Him
water fountains
5/1/12
Your rain.
splashed this windowsill
next to my ear
and whispered rhythm beats
in the trees.
Your sun.
popped gleefully
out of the clouds
and spread Your love
over my face
and my stretched out knees.
then it slid behind
these bricks
and the rain tucked itself
back into clouds.
Your girl.
walked down stairs
to take a final exam
she would probably fail,
but You.
love her so much more.
splashed this windowsill
next to my ear
and whispered rhythm beats
in the trees.
Your sun.
popped gleefully
out of the clouds
and spread Your love
over my face
and my stretched out knees.
then it slid behind
these bricks
and the rain tucked itself
back into clouds.
Your girl.
walked down stairs
to take a final exam
she would probably fail,
but You.
love her so much more.
stream of consciousness. it felt good.
That boy wanted to meet me but stayed away. Either because he was shy, or knew he wasn't allowed. I respect both of those things.
I have orange juice on my hands. thinking about "Oranges" by Gary Soto.
listening to a song about rain, sitting under plexiglass or something, listening to real rain.
I like rain because nature likes it. As I walked over here a bird was singing. It made my heart grin.
I've stopped worrying about it. (boy) It's a conscious choice not to worry. I trust God, and anyway, I can't do anything about it over the summer.
I've calmed about that too. Six weeks in a town that is no longer home, and then eight on an adventure, one at home, and back to school. It is hard to go home, to let go of my independence and be away from my community and keep my schedule of things productive.
On facebook I was told to get a coke, to help me study, so I did. $1.50 of real money and c 69 (no cents symbol, sadness) of meal plan. A coke and an orange. I don't drink soda much, not being a huge fan of carbonation, but once in a while, I enjoy the bittersweet taste of syrup and caffeine, gross as it is.
It is my rebellion- this harmless-in-small-doses poison.
I need to study but I do not know how.
There is a child downstairs crying.
Rain.
I'm writing in cursive.
All of this is soothing.
Two tests ago, I sat here when it was over and wrote a poem about fruit picking, a simple life with no television.
I'm an idealist. I hope I never give that up.
Soda makes me burp through my nose. It's rather inconvenient.
I'm watching rain drops collide with the windowsill.
No music in my ears, orange dust and sticky juice on my fingers.
A quiet existence,
simple,
content,
and EXCITED. but a quiet, assured sort of excitement, not a IHAVETOSHARETHISWITHTHEWORLDRIGHTNOW sort of excitement. (today, anyway.)
I have great friends.
The sky is beautiful. I think the sunset will be gold tonight.
Once this school year, I sat in the union on the third floor when the sunset was gold and thought how I wanted to be the sunset, and then marveled at how God loves me MORE than the sunset.
I love these people. I still ache for wilderness, but it is the people... I can't be a hobo and live in the woods. There are days... but I LOVE these people!
and then the sun burst forth and spread gold all over my face and legs and it was lovely.
I have orange juice on my hands. thinking about "Oranges" by Gary Soto.
listening to a song about rain, sitting under plexiglass or something, listening to real rain.
I like rain because nature likes it. As I walked over here a bird was singing. It made my heart grin.
I've stopped worrying about it. (boy) It's a conscious choice not to worry. I trust God, and anyway, I can't do anything about it over the summer.
I've calmed about that too. Six weeks in a town that is no longer home, and then eight on an adventure, one at home, and back to school. It is hard to go home, to let go of my independence and be away from my community and keep my schedule of things productive.
On facebook I was told to get a coke, to help me study, so I did. $1.50 of real money and c 69 (no cents symbol, sadness) of meal plan. A coke and an orange. I don't drink soda much, not being a huge fan of carbonation, but once in a while, I enjoy the bittersweet taste of syrup and caffeine, gross as it is.
It is my rebellion- this harmless-in-small-doses poison.
I need to study but I do not know how.
There is a child downstairs crying.
Rain.
I'm writing in cursive.
All of this is soothing.
Two tests ago, I sat here when it was over and wrote a poem about fruit picking, a simple life with no television.
I'm an idealist. I hope I never give that up.
Soda makes me burp through my nose. It's rather inconvenient.
I'm watching rain drops collide with the windowsill.
No music in my ears, orange dust and sticky juice on my fingers.
A quiet existence,
simple,
content,
and EXCITED. but a quiet, assured sort of excitement, not a IHAVETOSHARETHISWITHTHEWORLDRIGHTNOW sort of excitement. (today, anyway.)
I have great friends.
The sky is beautiful. I think the sunset will be gold tonight.
Once this school year, I sat in the union on the third floor when the sunset was gold and thought how I wanted to be the sunset, and then marveled at how God loves me MORE than the sunset.
I love these people. I still ache for wilderness, but it is the people... I can't be a hobo and live in the woods. There are days... but I LOVE these people!
and then the sun burst forth and spread gold all over my face and legs and it was lovely.
glimmers of reality
This is a lonely week. But God has provided people for me every time I need them.
A few hours ago I spontaneously saw my friend Amber while lunching. I went to sit with her and she asked me what she should read. (um, best question EVER- okay not true, but close) So I ran to my room and got Captivating for her to borrow. And then while we were giggling with joy about it, I got a little glimmer of reality. Of life.
Sometimes I get tricked into thinking that I'm wasting my life. Sometimes I worry about what I'm going to do next. After college. Sometimes I get discouraged because it seems I'm going to be here for five years. I worry, I worry, I worry. I often think that my life hasn't really started yet, hasn't been useful.
But sometimes, like today, I get glimpses of A, what I want to do, and B, what I am already doing. They are very similar. And sitting with my friend, I just realized that YES. I am living now, I don't have to wait for later.
It's these seemingly small things that are important. Being with friends and encouraging each other, listening to each other, sharing joy, sharing food, sharing gifts. Adoring Jesus, falling off the sidewalk because the sky is too stunning to stop looking at, puddle jumping in His rain.
Because who are we to say what is small? Even a peanut is large to an ant.
I love days like this, when I get to be with friends, and realize something delightful, like I am already being successful.
(There's a long way to go, for sure, life is a process. I mess up every day. But still. Still. God is using my small life.)
A few hours ago I spontaneously saw my friend Amber while lunching. I went to sit with her and she asked me what she should read. (um, best question EVER- okay not true, but close) So I ran to my room and got Captivating for her to borrow. And then while we were giggling with joy about it, I got a little glimmer of reality. Of life.
Sometimes I get tricked into thinking that I'm wasting my life. Sometimes I worry about what I'm going to do next. After college. Sometimes I get discouraged because it seems I'm going to be here for five years. I worry, I worry, I worry. I often think that my life hasn't really started yet, hasn't been useful.
But sometimes, like today, I get glimpses of A, what I want to do, and B, what I am already doing. They are very similar. And sitting with my friend, I just realized that YES. I am living now, I don't have to wait for later.
It's these seemingly small things that are important. Being with friends and encouraging each other, listening to each other, sharing joy, sharing food, sharing gifts. Adoring Jesus, falling off the sidewalk because the sky is too stunning to stop looking at, puddle jumping in His rain.
Because who are we to say what is small? Even a peanut is large to an ant.
I love days like this, when I get to be with friends, and realize something delightful, like I am already being successful.
(There's a long way to go, for sure, life is a process. I mess up every day. But still. Still. God is using my small life.)
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