My role.

We watched and talked about this video in class one day.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBaHPND2QJg)

This is the way I look at my participation:

The orchestra played for one little girl. It sounded like she put a few coins into the hat. I’m going to assume she didn’t put much in. So they played for what she had. The orchestra did not wait for more money before bringing out more instruments. (Now, maybe more people put money in, and quite possibly the little girl was a plant, but let’s look at what we do see, not speculate about what we don’t. Because after all, that’s God’s job, not ours.) What we see is one small girl throwing a few coins into the hat and being rewarded for it with a full symphony and choir. WOAH.

In this scenario, I think ITeams, and therefore me, could be the little girl. We show up, and we invest the little that we have, and then God shows up in magnificent, faithful ways. It’s not us who cause the music, it’s God.

I think ITeams could also be a piece of the orchestra. I don’t want ITeams to get credit for being the whole thing. I think ITeams would be a violin, or the timpani, or a soprano singer. We are one piece of what God is doing around the world. And we show up for the one girl. We show up for a few cents.

We could even be the crowd, showing up to get to witness what God, the music, does for the little girl.

But I think we are probably a violin.

That’s how I see it, and it gives me great hope.

I'm okay with it.

I find myself leaving orientation today with much more discomfort than when I came. I am not in love with the organization, but I am all right with this. I chose International Teams because the vision and mission of the organization, and how ITeams went about getting there, lined up with what I wanted to do. And after a week (five days) of being here, learning the nuts and bolts, it still lines up. I may not be in love with the nitty-gritty of how the organization runs, probably because I haven’t had any experience in an organization of this magnitude, but I am in love with Jesus, and I know that He works through this organization, and my soul is still very much at peace about it, even though my heart and mind are afraid and unsure.

Yesterday (Thursday) morning, we gave practice presentations to the staff about what we’ll be doing, fake fundraising stuff. I felt rather silly, as I haven’t fully adopted the ITeams vision for myself, even though I agree with it. But I was told that my story was powerful, and T, one of the workers in training as well, told me she could hear the Holy Spirit speaking though me. That encourages me more than anything, because even though it wasn’t perfect and I’m not even sure I have embraced the message yet, God still used me. The pressure is off. There was no pressure in the first place, not from God. I haven’t embraced this yet, either, but I will.

In the afternoon class, we were asked how the experience was for us. I told them straight up, the president was in the room and some other people high on the list of command, that it was strange for me because I don’t fully trust ITeams yet. I love the vision, but I haven’t yet seen it lived out. I’ve heard the words but I haven’t yet seen the action. I know that’s where faith comes in. I’ve got to believe that God chose this organization to do His work, just as I believe he chose me.

After dinner we had worship and were asked to talk about a kairos moment, a God moment, or a light bulb, or an aha! moment we had this week. I was sniffling away in the corner because when big things happen in my life, good or bad, I cry about them, though I’m exceedingly uncomfortable crying in front of people I don’t know well. Anyway, we got to me. I told them that I didn’t have a moment, and explained again about the trust, that I’ve committed, but it might take me longer to fully grasp my part here. And I’m okay with that. Because while I don’t fully trust the organization yet, I do trust Jesus. And I know that He will teach me to trust where I need to trust. But I just want to cry about it for awhile. And I’m okay with that.

Flying!

I'm sitting at gate D6 in the Detroit airport, half watching the sun rise.

It's a bit strange feeling, going to a place where the people know everything (on paper) about me. They know my flaws and my strengths, the ways I handle stress, conflict, they know my personality in any number of letters and numbers. Golly, it's sorta scary! But, I'm excited.

It's such a free feeling, traveling alone, and knowing what I'm doing. ahhh. I'm excited. Chicago, Italy. eeeeeeeps!!

Just write.

Some days, between the piles of paper scattered across my desk and attempting to erase the soft tension of differing ideas with my roommates, I forget the sound of my own voice.

I forget, after months of no substantial time to rest, how it feels to take an hour to sit down and write. I used to be quite good at rest, sitting still, listening to the birds. But now, I find myself jumping up, writing myself another note, searching for dishes to clean, another task to add to my list.

That is why I am so thankful for Sunday evening. I had planned to eat dinner with friends I haven't seen in a long time. I was so excited. But after a nonstop week, I felt sick Sunday evening. Sick enough to tell my friends I couldn't come and take a laze on the couch. Though I dearly missed being with my friends, I really needed the time to let my mind wander.

And today, Tuesday, I woke up to snow, which I so appreciate. One more free day to snuggle in warm blankets, drink black tea, and write some thoughts.

I think I'll spin some poems. :)

Two Days

Sunday.
I sleep, in, late.
but still in time to go to church.

Hours alone,
and then my friends join me,
and oh what friends they are.

We walk through the cold dark
and laugh,
drink tea,
late.

Monday.
I walk through the rain.
Somewhere it is night,
somewhere dawn is crawling over the horizon and
somewhere someone is walking.

We sit in the dark room and just rest in God's presence.
It is simple.
We do not say much.
We are all women.
The best spent hour of my day.

It pours.
People in the house,
cozy blanket on the couch, chilly rain outside, quiet warm lights,
editing a poem,
editing a story.

So, I'm moving to Italy.
Alone.

I'll post about it, too excited now to. :)