I'm okay with it.

I find myself leaving orientation today with much more discomfort than when I came. I am not in love with the organization, but I am all right with this. I chose International Teams because the vision and mission of the organization, and how ITeams went about getting there, lined up with what I wanted to do. And after a week (five days) of being here, learning the nuts and bolts, it still lines up. I may not be in love with the nitty-gritty of how the organization runs, probably because I haven’t had any experience in an organization of this magnitude, but I am in love with Jesus, and I know that He works through this organization, and my soul is still very much at peace about it, even though my heart and mind are afraid and unsure.

Yesterday (Thursday) morning, we gave practice presentations to the staff about what we’ll be doing, fake fundraising stuff. I felt rather silly, as I haven’t fully adopted the ITeams vision for myself, even though I agree with it. But I was told that my story was powerful, and T, one of the workers in training as well, told me she could hear the Holy Spirit speaking though me. That encourages me more than anything, because even though it wasn’t perfect and I’m not even sure I have embraced the message yet, God still used me. The pressure is off. There was no pressure in the first place, not from God. I haven’t embraced this yet, either, but I will.

In the afternoon class, we were asked how the experience was for us. I told them straight up, the president was in the room and some other people high on the list of command, that it was strange for me because I don’t fully trust ITeams yet. I love the vision, but I haven’t yet seen it lived out. I’ve heard the words but I haven’t yet seen the action. I know that’s where faith comes in. I’ve got to believe that God chose this organization to do His work, just as I believe he chose me.

After dinner we had worship and were asked to talk about a kairos moment, a God moment, or a light bulb, or an aha! moment we had this week. I was sniffling away in the corner because when big things happen in my life, good or bad, I cry about them, though I’m exceedingly uncomfortable crying in front of people I don’t know well. Anyway, we got to me. I told them that I didn’t have a moment, and explained again about the trust, that I’ve committed, but it might take me longer to fully grasp my part here. And I’m okay with that. Because while I don’t fully trust the organization yet, I do trust Jesus. And I know that He will teach me to trust where I need to trust. But I just want to cry about it for awhile. And I’m okay with that.