poem, so far untitled

girl crickets

don't sing.

girl birds

are brown.

girl lions

don't have regal hair.

we wish we could be like crickets,

content

to just be.

without the red feathers.

we wish it

wasn't

expected

of us

to be

those bright colors,

performing tricks,

singing songs.

girl ducks

are plain

and their

value

is still quite

apparent.

we wish

our value

was

recognized,

seen.

some

of us

have

forgotten

it

ourselves.

and have

forgotten

that

plain

is often

more beautiful

than sharp,

red,

feathers.

Can you spare nine minutes? If you can, put your stuff down, close your eyes or zone off into space, and listen to this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dP0-Lr8VxQ

What does it sound like to you today?

Today, it sounds like this to me:

beautiful

unsure

loneliness

desperation

and a wisp of determination and frustration coming in at 3 minutes.

and then hope at 3:28 ish

hope hope hope crescendo until 3:53

and then at 4 minutes it explodes.

beautiful hope frustration determination empty rain beautiful

beautiful.

6:00 lovely and powerful

calling out, running

promise hope determination

7:00 running running running

chasing down the emptiness

determined

going going going

where you are.

hope

hope

hope

beautiful

lonely

empty

desperate

coming.

hope.

I don't know why, but copying/pasting anything in here makes it smash together. blarg! so this should be more spaced out. but whatever.

Eggs

Today, I stuffed colorful, plastic eggs, and then "hid" them.

Personally, I think this practice is ridiculous. I think it cheapens the meaning of Easter. But I was at someone else's house, and they were doing an egg hunt. So I helped. I was having a hard time not being grumpy in my heart about it.

But it was soggy outside, and it looked so much like spring. I was bending down to put eggs in bushes and next to rocks and I could just smell spring down there in the dirt. Too often I conform to societal norms and don't go sit in the mud and run my fingers through the soggy spring dirt. In that sense, eggs were redeemed.

Still, I would never choose to do egg hunts, and if I ever have kids, which is I highly doubt will happen, they will NOT partake in any "Easter" activities which draw away from Jesus.

My stance is the same, but I can appreciate putting your hands in the dirt for some plastic colorful egg, if only to smell the spring.

Also, my spring bag had its debut today!

it's a beautiful day!

I feel powerful today. Beautiful, and feminine, and powerful.

The more correct term might be capable. Able. Enough. Today I feel like I am enough. It is similar to the feeling I get after I finish a good book. Except I haven’t finished any new books lately.

You have experiences that remind you that you can do this life thing, and succeed in it. Yesterday was scary. (no details, sorry) But it was just another life experience, another bonding experience, another show of God’s grace, reminding me of what real community is and what wonderful friends I have.

A few years ago I went to India. I was with my family, but it still felt like an accomplishment. Just little pieces about being there made me feel like I could do anything. India wasn’t my first trip out of the country, but some of the things I saw there were different from anything else. (I mean, I saw things in Russia that I had never seen before too, but India was a whole different animal from anything before.) India is beautiful. The nature is breathtaking. The culture was colorful- literally. Of course there were things I didn’t like about India, there are tons of things I don’t like about America, and I live here. But some of my experiences there gave me the same sort of feeling when I came home. I can do life here. I am capable of it.

Then I went to Mexico without my parents. It was just four of us girls flying down there for a week before the big group came. That wasn’t hard (except for the Houston airport.. haha) but it was another of those small accomplishments.

And then there was the taxi ride through Turkey in the wee hours of the morning, and getting stuck in a small airport in southern Russia.

For none of these experiences was I alone, but they still helped teach me of my capabilities, especially in community.

Taking care of injured people, bold eye contact, listening to people talk about their fragility…

These two years of college haven’t been delightful. They haven’t been particularly fun. There have been great, wonderful, fun bits, and they come often, but they’ve generally been much more eye opening than fun.

This year and last year have been so different, but they run around the same themes. The broken, emptiness of people. Last night, Lara said something like, “for a top predator, humans are so fragile.” so true. Such different experiences, but so transforming. And today, I feel powerful. capable.

I can’t really explain, but I want to.

I want to spend my life helping girls. America is ruining its girls. That fact is always on my mind. I’m always thinking about how people are, and how people should be.

Some days, I feel like I’ve grasped it. Some days I feel like I can see myself a bit more clearly. Some days, like today, I know, and feel that I am enough. That I am a girl of America, and I’ve made it through. And I have hope. That I can share. Some days, I’ve got it.

Today, I feel powerful and feminine, and enough.

God is so good. He's always with me, but some days His presence feels almost tangible. Some days my heart actually hears that I'm enough and loved and beautiful. Days like today.

Terrific Tuesday!

Today was terrific!

But I'll have to start with last night. I really needed to go to bed but my friend Emily wanted to talk so I talked to her instead of sleeping. (2 hours, not all night, but I only got five hours of sleep) But it was totally worth it. We talked and prayed and it was wonderful.

So then this morning I woke up late, of course, but was still really happy about last night. I even had encouraging dreams. So then my bio lab got out really early so I got alone, quiet time with J!! That was so good.

I smiled at people a lot today. I stare at them till they look and then I smile until they smile back. Sometimes it takes a while. It's a good practice for me cause somehow I pass a ton of guys. Talking with, smiling at girls is easy peasy for me, but guys... practicing.

Then in Contemporary Poetry we had another good conversation about changing America. One guy said, "Someone needs to set off a bomb. So to speak." I LOVED that!

Then I took a twenty minute nap and almost skipped swing. But I went and it was wonderful! We danced a lot, and learned new stuff, and got better at old stuff, and met new people! really really good. And there was new music from the usual and there was some J music stuck in there. SO FUN dancing to music written for J!

Then, they were going to drive back, but I would rather walk. Plus, I already smashed a finger in that car's door so I didn't really want to get in there again. haha. But then I wondered if I could beat them back. Walking through campus is more of a straight shot than taking the roads. So I ran from the Union to the dorm. hahaha. I am SO out of shape!! But it was super fun sprinting through campus. Zombies/Humans were out, and getting ready for their battle tonight. And there I was, hurtling through campus. It was fantastically fun! AND I BEAT THEM! (The car I mean, not the zombies)

Swing dancing felt kind of transformative tonight. I'm trying to put into practice these things I KNOW but don't really believe in my heart, and it was so good having that music behind it tonight. I'm excited. I'm realizing a lot about myself and people in general. yeah. I don't really know what else to say about that. It's impossible to explain. Stuff's happening though. I'm waking up. :)

GOOD DAY because GOD IS GOOD!

What I want to say

"What are you listening to?"

emptiness

(This needs revision. But it's my truth tonight. I might make it pretty later.)

this place screams of emptiness.

we are the waiting ones.

you hide it so well until

you're not blind

then it's so loud.

the air screams

wind blows dust wildly.

fill me up fill me up

make me worthy.

your eyes search for mine

for what a smile cannot convey.

a silent plea

a scream for life.

I see it in your eyes

your need

beyond what you've been taught

by the liar.

a green strand of hope,

I hold it.

why am I not visible?

your eyes search

my invisible seas.

where are we

to find your life,

we wait for your plea

to echo with the birds

to find you.

blog change!

Today I discovered the cool backgrounds.

I liked the ocean one, but it never really fit. Also, it's spring! I'm sure I'll change it more. :) But I wanted a treey or naturey one. Not that ocean/whales aren't naturey, it just didn't really fit for me.

And in my grumpiness I want bright colors.

So there you have it. Green.

People put too much emphasis on leading.

I like to do the dishes after the party, or vacuum before. Or make the cookies or send the invitations.

not plan it.

I like being told what to do, and I'll do it well. I do not like telling others what to do, and I'm not good at coming up with stuff.

You NEED people to follow, to HELP.

I

am

SO

stressed.

ghbnv ane jndbn;m ghrnfcmkxki

and my thumb hurts so bad.

i'm a wimp about pain it's true.

such is life

Sometimes I get annoyed when blogs are only ideas and no personal bits. So I was going to write about the boring bits of my day, but then about 1.3 seconds changed it.

I saw the boy-who-is-not-perfect again today. Ok, I guess I see him often enough, but that is only the second time we've made eye contact outside of dancing. This is pretty much not a story at all, but I am going to start at the beginning anyway, because that is what I was originally going to write about. So this morning I had a smoothie (orange mango, yum) with Joan (liquid), and then water and a v8. liquid liquid. (along with solid food of course.) So when I got to Marine Biology, I really needed to pee. But I decided to wait, I knew I could. To make it better yet, we took notes about the digestive system. pee. It wasn't pleasant. My original plan was to go after class to the union and go there and then read. But when I stood up when class ended, that wasn't the ideal option. I looked for a bathroom in the building I have the class in, but couldn't find one. (There was a men's, but I couldn't find the women's. What's up with that?) So I went to the next door building (math and science). I was a bit annoyed because the hallway was so crowded, and then the boy-who-is-not-perfect passed me. I didn't know if I wanted to acknowledge him or not, but at the last minute I gave him a smug, I know who you are look. At least, that's what I tell myself. I think it was probably more likely a half smile. We made eye contact, somehow, but there was no recognition on his part. I didn't have time to overanalyze it in my dash to the bathroom. (good thing.)

It's always slightly disappointing when someone doesn't remember you. But he's a boy. Anyways, I tend to remember people I meet. Yeah, sometimes I forget faces, but usually when I see them I remember. Or at least figure out that I've met them when they obviously know who I am. I just think about people too much.

It's totally fine. As much as I want to know the ending, God's not going to tell me. I hate being distracted, but God knows my frustration. I kinda wish God would erase him from my memory completely, but I think that's pretty unlikely.

Ah, such is life!

Have a great day!

Thoughts

Thoughts.

Today in Contemporary poetry, we discussed “A Supermarket in California” by Allen Ginsberg. Here you have it:

What thoughts I have of you tonight, Walt Whitman, for

I walked down the sidestreets under the trees with a headache

self-conscious looking at the full moon.

In my hungry fatigue, and shopping for images, I went

into the neon fruit supermarket, dreaming of your enumerations!

What peaches and what penumbras! Whole families

shopping at night! Aisles full of husbands! Wives in the

avocados, babies in the tomatoes!--and you, Garcia Lorca, what

were you doing down by the watermelons?

I saw you, Walt Whitman, childless, lonely old grubber,

poking among the meats in the refrigerator and eyeing the grocery

boys.

I heard you asking questions of each: Who killed the

pork chops? What price bananas? Are you my Angel?

I wandered in and out of the brilliant stacks of cans

following you, and followed in my imagination by the store

detective.

We strode down the open corridors together in our

solitary fancy tasting artichokes, possessing every frozen

delicacy, and never passing the cashier.

Where are we going, Walt Whitman? The doors close in

an hour. Which way does your beard point tonight?

(I touch your book and dream of our odyssey in the

supermarket and feel absurd.)

Will we walk all night through solitary streets? The

trees add shade to shade, lights out in the houses, we'll both be

lonely.

Will we stroll dreaming of the lost America of love

past blue automobiles in driveways, home to our silent cottage?

Ah, dear father, graybeard, lonely old courage-teacher,

what America did you have when Charon quit poling his ferry and

you got out on a smoking bank and stood watching the boat

disappear on the black waters of Lethe?

Berkeley, 1955

Every few weeks we have a really good discussion in that class, the kind of discussion that goes far past poetry and touches on what the world needs. I have no idea how the students in my class got this out of the poem, but they said it was talking about the loneliness of America. I don’t know how they got it, but I like it. My professor mentioned how Mother Teresa trained people to work with the poor not only in India but also in America. My professor said that when asked, people who had worked both places preferred India because the loneliness in the USA is crushing. That really struck me. I definitely agree. It is so easy to be lonely here. For all our technology, where is the community? You can go a whole day (a lot longer, actually) and never personally talk to anyone, never make eye contact, never have human touch.

Someone mentioned that at a supermarket you don’t have to search for anything. You don’t have to make the food yourself. You find things where they don’t belong. She gave the example of buying a mango from a supermarket from a place where mangos don’t exist. It’s not how it should be, and life is boring with everything at your fingertips.

Where do we go for fulfillment?

What do we do about the increasing loneliness?

These things, they’re not what we want or need, but it’s what society has taught us we need/want.

Someone brought up how the big publishing companies don’t publish the things people need to read. They publish books from pop artists and celebrities, because it makes money.

That makes me want to ask people what they like about money best.

My professor said that many writers have said in one way or another, that you can’t be part of the culture and write about the culture. You have to step outside of it.

Then someone said America is schizophrenic.

And then I started writing. J It’s a pep talk to myself. J

We want someone to tell, real. meaningful, but society has trained us not to tell, not to ask for what we need, not to make community. It has taught us we’re not normal when we feel those needs , but that’s what we need. Some of us have got to step outside of the culture and feel the hostility and offer help, hope, bring the truth, bring community, even if we only reach one person. Then there will be two of us. Except that I know there are more. Then we can start fixing. Yeah, we’ll never fix it completely. Only J can do that. But if the two of us go at it maybe we can reach another. One at a time. Love that speaks up, stand us, sits down with you at lunch. That one person’s life is totally worth it. I’m not falsely optimistic. I know the world is going to get worse. But the people’s lives are still worth it. Still worth trying. If we can get to one person. Anyway, it makes me feel better to let it out. I’d go mad if I couldn’t speak it. I want to at least offer the things they ache for. At least offer hope. They don’t have to take it. But I believe we must offer it.

need

i wanna go meaningful and deep with people. past the weather, how tired we are, our school work. i want to get to what we need. what are you passionate about? what are your desires? what do you want to accomplish? tell me about your family. tell me about your inspirations. what did you want to be when you were a child? tell me about the best day of your life. what are you afraid of? what do you like about your best friend? what are three things you like about yourself? if you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? if you could change one thing about the world what would it be? do you feel valued in this place? do you feel like you are enough? what do you want? what would make you happy? if you had to live somewhere but not america or canada where would you live? what would make today great? tell me about one of your favorite books and why it is your favorite. tell me what you want in a friendship. describe what a great vacation would be. tell me about a time you felt appreciated. if you had a million dollars and couldn't spend it on yourself or your family, what would you do with it? what do you do when you feel lonely? tell me about the last time you felt completely understood. tell me about what kind of nature you like. tell me about someone you have lost. tell me about someone you never knew but wanted to. tell me about a pet. tell me about something that bothers you but not other people. tell me something you have always wanted to do but have been to afraid to. tell me how you're really doing today. tell me three good things about today. how do you express your happiness? how do you express your sadness? tell me about a time you did something and got made fun of for it. tell me about yourself.

do you like to swing? do you like to walk? do you want to do either of those things with me? how about lunch? would you have a meal with me? do you want to be friends?

bumble rumble

So I guess I have to change it. The culture. So I guess no one else is stepping up. I guess J doesn’t set us free so we can sit around and wait.

This is my forever! I’ll wear what I want! I’ll dance and skip when I want! I’ll be!

I had a great weekend. I didn’t really do any work… but I did more important things. J My friend T came to visit me, and then tonight I hung out with my swing friends.

Tomorrow is Monday and jam packed. But I’m trusting it to be a good jam packed. I added some things to my list of epic.

The Cinci zoo had a baby giraffe!

I’m realizing how crazy different I am from the culture and people in it. That’s a GOOD thing. I’m just saying, I’m noticing it more. Like, wow. Everything about me is different. I’m learning how to live with people who are clinging to the values and norms of the culture. (ok, not everything, but hanging out with people, I’m seeing the differences very clearly.) radical. (but how else is there to live?) the trick, I think, is learning how to respond to people who dislike it, whether that be out loud or in my heart.

Cause I am so done with status quo. It’s so boring. Money is so dull. Movies lie. Academics are not interesting. I don’t want to chase that crap.

Happy. Cause J is so so SO amazing. Cause I’m not called to a boring life. Cause I am radically different. J

Happy.

Happy.

Happy!

ready. set. go!