monday

people pleasing is not an option.

it stinks when half your family lives in different countries so you can't call them to talk, especially when your parents aren't home. I didn't have a phone when my sibs lived in the US of A, but if I had that's what I would miss a lot. Being able to just call your family.

I am frustrated with myself. But G is not. in about two months, I will have liked this boy for a whole year. and he still doesn't know who I am. well I don't know. but not really anyway. even if he did remember. I am still baffled at myself about it. can't I switch yet?

tomorrow is the best day. one class. the whole day to work. dancing. three good meals. mmm.

I'm going to bed early tonight and sleeping late. and by that I mean 11-8. or rather, right now to 8. as soon as I get there. I sound like I just woke up, time to go to bed.

I walked tonight, that was nice, and then I sat on a bench and listened.

yup. Goodnight y'all.

Someday I want to drive all night to tell someone I love them. (Or give a hug) I want to do crazy, meaningful things, without regard for silly things like time and gas prices. I want to let the important things be urgent. Let the beautiful things be noticed.

ok.

I will finish someday, hopefully.

I don't have to be on top of it all.

I can take it slow and try and do better.

Some people can handle lots of hours just fine, some can't. It's no reflection of the person.

I'ma be ok.

Day Two

I knew this semester was going to be the hardest yet. I knew I would have to battle lies of not being good enough, not being smart. I knew I would struggle with loneliness and feeling like being here is worthless. I didn't know it would hit day two. It's ok. I know G is going to do big things, and with that comes conflict. With that comes, quite frankly, war.

I know He has given me the ability to take these classes, and spend this time, and rest.

I know I am not alone, and when activities get rolling, I will have my supporting community back around me.

I know that this is where I am to be, at least for now.

I know that I am loved with an undying love.

It's going to be good in the end.

Goals

"They" like for you to have goals. So here.

Goals for the 2011-2012 school year

-Learn to seek approval from only One, and recognize the freedom in that.

-Spend a decent amount of time everyday with that One.

-Notice beauty

-Rest

-Recognize and renounce the lies that will inevitably try to creep in.

-Practice childlike faith: play, spin, skip, dance, etc.

-Learn to love people better.

-Always be thankful.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. (Colossians 3:12-15 NLT)

Who are you alone?

Everyone (mostly) is terribly insecure.

Who are you beyond your knowledge, your books, your clothes, the things you are good at, your electronics, your car, your job, your music collection?

Who are you alone, outside? Alone, alone. Wilderness alone.

Do you giggle, or run? Or wander slowly? What do you think of? Are you amazed? Do you sit on the ground or do you stand? Do you find a tree to climb? Or are you on the beach making castles or collecting seashells? When no one is there, are you enough?

Five Minute Friday: New

It's Five Minute Friday!

Here are the rules.

go.

I would rather have something old than something new, mostly. I like my old jeans, my old house, even the old dorm I live in at school. Something used, lived in, experienced.

Another year. The place is familiar, but the people are new.

...I am new, and learning to love smells and sights and feelings that other people don't even notice.

Like the bugs. How many of them are new. Two weeks, a year? Their whole life is new.

I really don't like this friday's topic, honestly. New. One of those words that if you roll it over in your mouth it begins to sound out of place, weird and ugly. I don't like thinking about the cliched posts of others, though it is rude.

If there is anything I've learned, (or not learned) it is how to be mean.

writers' block for five minutes about one three letter word.

four minutes, actually, and I'm out.

new!

It was time for a blog switch-er-roony. :) Gotta have some variety in your life, ya know? A tree and sunset. About time to go back to school, I think it fits. :D (could be sunset I suppose... either way, gloriousness!)

~me :D

not a change

Every year I say to myself, this year I will change. This year I will become who I want to be. But I think, it is not a change in myself necessarily. The person I am is basically set. Maybe I will twist and bend a little here and there, but basically, this is me. This will be me. Of course, I will always be happy to have G change my heart, and there will always be things to work on. But I think my personality is pretty much set. And the things I want to be are already in me. I already marvel at the sky and trees and I already like to experience little things fully, like puddle jumping and chocolate cupcakes. I already like to skip and dance and frolic. I already like meaningful conversations. The things I want to be I already am, for the most part. I just need to be more of them. Just let them out. :)

Two posts in a matter of minutes

Friday's (8/12) subject for gypsy mama's five minute friday was beauty. I'm late. But I want to do it anyway, because I think I have something different to say. Here's her blog, if you want to read about fridays. So here goes. Five minutes, no editing.

Go.

When I read other women's blogs about beauty, and their silly complaints about noses that are too big, or bodies that they don't think are skinny enough, it doesn't make me feel any better. Their pictures are absolutely beautiful. Their pictures make me wonder why on earth wouldn't these women know that they are beautiful?! I can realize in the back of my mind that maybe, once upon a time, that might be me, beautiful but not knowing, but as of usually, the societal definition of what beautiful is creeps into my head and won't let go. Sometimes I actually feel beautiful, but reading others' posts about it does not help at all. At school they once had something called princess night. I didn't go, because all of those girls seem to have it all together. I know they don't, but they appear just fine. I don't want to listen to someone give some talk about being beautiful when those girls already are. So your hair is curly and you want it to be straight, big deal, there are bigger "beauty" issues. I suppose it is rather cruel of me to think this way, as my issues are probably nothing to many of these people, I realize this. We're all just one big mess, aren't we? But basically, those blogs with other women discussing their insecurities don't make me feel any more secure. Or understood. It shouldn't matter at all, and I know -- Stop.

*side note. I suppose I should be sleeping by the time the loud people come walking down the street, as happens so many nights after about 12:30...

a few days left

My bedroom windows have been open for at least five days. I think probably more. :) I love having the room somehow connected to the outside.

Three glorious sunset days in a row. Friday night was purplepink clouds fading into blue. Saturday was gold shining against dark grey, and then there was a HUGE rainbow, and then the clouds rolled away. And tonight, sunshine after rain after sunshine and now there is evening sun creeping into my room.

A Thousand Splendid Suns. Books like this remind me how blessed I am. To have a father who loves me just as much as Mama does. To live in a place that has been peaceful.

In a few days I will go back. All summer I had the romanticized view of it, the conversations with people and the spontaneous sunset walks... Suddenly I remember the hard things too, of which there are plenty. How can I make them less hard, see them differently? The dinners alone, the lack of nature like I love, the cramped room, very little privacy, the incessant noise... how can I see these things differently? How can I find friends who want deep conversations, meaningful conversations. It will be fine. I wasn't 100% ready to leave in the spring, even living in that place. The summer has definitely changed me- has continued changing me. I mean, the summer hasn't, G has. But the time period. Between this time last year and now, I am different. It might not show on the outside, but I am more calm, more resolute, more bold, more free. Not perfect, not finished, but started. It will be fine. I have a hideous but super cool jacket and orange pants bought for a dollar and a new bracelet. Not that these make me, but that I can wear them without your approval is a lovely step. (Though you would approve.) (You as a general term you know, not you specific.)

Anyway. I will go back and immerse myself in Psychology and battle the lies about my intelligence with math. I think it will be good. I'm excited. :)

Off to

You might be off on some crazy adventure- to some beautiful new place. I am happy for you. I am trying to not be jealous, holding to hope that one day I will get to go someplace beautiful and new. I am off to the familiar. To have adventures in a place I have come to realize is unexpectedly beautiful, finding beauty in the apple skins and sunsets from the laundry room window. To find wilderness wherever I am, be it in the desert (figuratively) or the oasis. To take the things I have learned these past three months and smash them together with things I have yet to learn. To experience the life that has been freely given. To dance.

August 7

I did not edit this. I wrote it after we came in from the rain. I wrote it in a flurry of excitement, you know the feeling when you get really inspired? So I don't care if it smells like rotten tomatoes, it is an account of excitement. This is me, y'all. When the rain comes, and the wind blows, mmm I get so excited!

We eat dinner with our faces turned toward the sky. At first it is blue and then the grey clouds roll and twist and swirl in from the North. The big birds ride air currents sideways, swept across the sky, no need for flapping wings. We are rich- the ones who get to sit on our deck and eat fresh food and watch the sky dance and clouds bubble over with emotion. We are the first witnesses to the low thunder rumbles as the storm gently rolls South. We feel every whisper of wind across our arms and faces, no change in temperature is lost to us. We wait for rain- maybe it will come, maybe it will roll on by. We make a plan. You take the glasses, I’ll take the plates, all the while watching the most beautiful display of love and joy and power. And when it finally rains we gather the ldft over corn and beans and head in, to open windows and turn on the fans. We are rich- to have these windows that open to beautiful views of water pouring, to trees, to rolling skies and sometimes, to a patch of blue sneaking through. We are rich, to witness it all and the break of clouds that follows to sunshine beneath, and the exact moment the insects start conversing and the birds start singing into sunset. We, the witnesses of air, of glory, so rich.

poem

well, sad I'll miss out on the next Friday five. (going to a wedding! out of town.)

and a poem that has taken me hours to write and is still not finished on a conversation with a friend, and the sky tonight.

{this is a plea}

You make the sky sing.

You make the clouds laugh,

the wind skip.

the peace that comes from a

starlit night is Yours.

but all the beauty contained

cannot hold the panic.

i can't keep your heart safe.

i can't force Him to.

you need more than a word,

more than a laugh.

why are you so afraid of life?

if you knew

all the times

i've broken

for you and ones with you.

if you knew how many hours

spent waiting on benches,

how many hours

of frosty breathing

februarys.

how many nights.

if you could compare this

to all those i have lost,

you would not go.

you would not forget.

you are not forgotten.

tomorrow there will be some sky.

my anger will melt, somehow.

Your peace will fill me up, again.

and you.

you are so much more.

foul

I am pretty much in the foulest mood ever. On the surface I am gleefully happy. Last night was crazy fun, I got to spend time with wonderful people. But I am frustrated. It seems I am always frustrated at myself. I woke up from a terribly wonderful dream. I woke up and realized that it wasn't real, that it wouldn't happen in real life, and that is terribly depressing. And it was so wonderful, I can't seem to shake it. Then I thought running a mile might help direct my mind elsewhere, but it was storming pretty hard so we didn't run.

So I am frustrated. And I am finding that frustrated is one of my least favorite ways to feel.

The (in)courage post today offers me this hope: "But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18,19)

{por favor, papa}

She stared at me for awhile, and then, "I like your skirt. It's bright." A compliment from a little girl. That's what I want, to be childlike in those areas. Bright colors.

A dream to be beautiful in the purest way, like children. bright.

A walk in the woods with a friend who understands.

refreshed.

My family has great conversations

Today, my dad mentioned that he read an article about how if there are more men in a room than women, they act more aggressively, they show off more. So this congress stuff isn’t going to get fixed quickly. I got super excited about the article because I think it would be really cool to write something/make a documentary about males. Territories, and all that. I’d compare men with different animals and their male dynamics. Anyway, we were wondering about how it would work, and it almost sounds backwards, that with just men less would get done, but then, you don’t put all the bulls in one pen even if there are no cows there. Or roosters. You only keep one rooster in the pen even if you don’t keep chickens. So we were wondering if every congressman brought his wife, would that help the process? The article also says that they need something that is going to change now, like taking away their parking spaces. Then maybe they could change something.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/07/29/138802290/political-negotiations-also-shaped-by-human-psychology