Just J

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I am quite content, just as I am.

:)

The Technical Name

(Three posts in one day! What are we going to do with me! Sorry y'all, but it must come out.)

The Technical Name is Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. I've recently found, some way or another, quite a few blogs about babies with heart defects. Some of them have this. HLHS.

Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome is the Technical Name of the thing that took my brother. I think about him all the time. I have a right to. He's my brother. He will always be my brother.

I was born with a heart murmur. It makes me feel more connected to him, because we were so far apart.

They didn't have treatments or surgeries back then. They just had to take him home and pray for the best.

and I will always love him.

Ask

but i don't want to ask for anything fun today.
...well, i want to just really enjoy nature...

it rain stormed and then the sun came out just in time to set and it was stunning. there were two rainbows, though neither were very bright--- or maybe it was one really big rainbow. but either way, the pictures didn't really show up. but regardless i still saw them and really enjoyed. 

peace

I tell him I don't know what's going on, and I use my little brother voice, which is comforting to realize. 


and then later G and I come to some sort of understanding, finally. 


and at last, I go to bed with peace. 


Slow steps to knowing. Slow steps to life. 


It's these soft reminders that hold so much weight. The stars as I left the church last night, my sweet dreams, strawberries and lunch with ones I love. These soft reminders that sink most deeply. Hearing all these strong voices singing around me, and being free to cry. 


Starting to realize in my heart these things You try to tell me every day. I don't want to forget You anymore. 


But glorious news, my heart is starting to understand and embrace this. 
In fact, today my heart feels like it is overflowing. My love bucket is full full full- want some of it? I'll gladly share!


Slow steps to all this goodness,
                      all this peace.


It's not instant gratification, because it's way better. 


Not the end fix, probably, but a good start. a good slow, steady start. 


Don't rule it out.

Five Minute Friday: Relevant

It's Friday! Which means we write for five minutes on one topic. Five minutes flat. We don't worry about how it sounds or if it makes sense. Just write. Today's topic is relevant.

Go.

I looked up the definition of relevant, just to get a specific idea. I know what it means, I just wanted another word or two. Pertinent. I didn't want to write about something boring, to myself. I don't want to write about how this schoolwork is relevant to this life, blah blah blah... I walked to and from class this morning in the sunrise. I have a hard time focusing on anything else, when one thing touches me so beautifully. So I want to write about the sunrise. My eyes are filled with it as I walk. I eat sunrise for breakfast. (along with other things, of course.) Pertinent. The sunrise is pertinent in my life. The sunrise is pertinent because it brings my joy to the surface. I can't mask feeling exceedingly joyful in the 34 degrees of gloriousness, seeing my breath and watching the clouds melting across the sky. And the sun! This is relevant to my life. These are the things that matter most. When I eat sunrise with my eyes, I think less about the troubles and more about the Love. And that is the more relevant thing. If my life is to reflect glory, I need to not destroy the joy.

stop.

things.

I love the Listening Post, because though I rarely get to listen to anyone, it always forces me to alter my perspective. I look at people differently afterwards. The walk afterwards to wherever I am going is always rather joyful, fresh. 

today, october 27th, is the sort of day that reminds me I was made for another world. The sky is awake today. Rain, puffy clouds, sunshine, and the FALL leaves! beautiful.

today I was so wrapped up in the sky that I forgot a name. hallelujah.

today I smiled so wide I started to giggle. 

i know who i am. once i was nameless, alone and you found me. you formed my knees to bend. you call me beloved, i am perfection. all my failures won't condemn me, or leave me paralyzed and bound. when i'm at my worst, your love it finds me first... by you i can run in the night. for by you i can run in the night...

For by You I can run in the night!

(run in the night, jars of clay. youtube it. it's great!)

oh you know

What was I doing? I was going somewhere with this. Oh, yes.

Sometimes you just have to write it all down. This is this.

Every time I see you, I have the urge to cry. I'm frustrated with myself. How could I have been so weak to fall in love with you and not even know you. I can't believe I did. My brain screams *avoidavoidavoid* and I practically run the the opposite side of the dining hall so you can't see me and then I peruse the drinks long enough to realize I don't want another drink. So I buy an apple and walk in circles in the rain until my head quiets, until I let myself realize this is ok. P, this is ok. You're ok. 


Oh the calming powers of rain and apples. And Jesus.

His name is not Malki-Tzedek (Malchizedek, or Tzedekiah), I can't marry him.  but you could be his friend.

What to pray for. To take him away, or to bring him closer? Who's to know?

You can't solve this
but I had to let it out.

Like Peter Groenwald's song "Wreckage" says. "your thoughts, they are fighting your skin for fresh air."

a sunrise

I want a wooden rocking chair, and a window to watch snow fall out of.

A dog, and a notebook, and a pencil.

And if there is a you, I would love it if you would set me a fire and play the piano.
Or I could play you the cello if you want to take a morning nap.

in process

Sing me a story.
Read me a song.


Your twenty years never yet met love.
(melt away)
Your winter nights never knew cold.
Your summer days were always freezing. 


You always wrote with triumph 
and never painted sorrow.


And purple to you was always blue.
And orange tasted sour.


Silence was your death
but loud was your salvation.
you thought.


Your twenty years sat. watched the world spin.
Every spring, you were not among the flowers, 
nor did you dance in the rain.


You did not try to understand.
And in return we did not understand you.


And sometimes when you slept, 
you dreamed of Januarys and ice houses.


And green was sweet to you. 


Quiet words had no value. 
And yellow was more somber 
than the stars over a famished land.
And orange tasted sour.
But green was sweet to you. 
And Januarys smelled of clay and dust. 


but green was sweet to you.

Five Minute Friday: Beyond

get info here: http://thegypsymama.com/2011/10/five-minute-friday-beyond/

beyond.

go.

I am somewhere, beyond the wail of that train whistle.

all these tracks, I'm somewhere beyond those. mysterious. but you can't be everything you are in this society. We're too concrete for that. too black and white. One day I would like to be lavender, one day lime green. But America is for the real things. the "true" things.

I want people to know that I am not 100 percent concrete. Well no one is. but you can't tell them that. I want to be lavender, floating beyond the whistle of that train. the one that lulls me to sleep, the one that greets me in the morning, that wails softly as I walk to class. I want to be indigo, cerulean. I want to be a wisp of that.

Somewhere beyond is where I am, because I can't be here. can't just be. got to be something. If I have to be pegged, peg me as lavender.

stop.

Thoughts on a Rainy Evening

I know I shall always have the opportunity to be happy*, because I am able to enjoy lots of types of weather. I know that troubles will come. In fact, I am facing a trouble right now. But there should never be despair. I will never have to face hopelessness. There will always be some sort of weather I can delight in. Now, there are some sorts of weather I am not especially fond of, like the hot, muggy days of summer. But there are still things I can take happiness in. The green, the way the grass moves in the wind, the relief of a breeze, the way the sun comes through a window.

I heard that by the end of today we are supposed to receive three inches of rain. It's raining, it's windy, it's cold. I love it. I love rain, because A) it's water falling from the sky. If that's not the coolest thing ever I don't know what is! and B) it is life. All over the world, people need rain. And we are blessed to have it. I feel loved walking through the rain. I like walking through puddles and looking down because it is like I am walking in the sky. I like holding out my hands and watching the water droplets splash into my palms. I like catching water on my tongue. Water straight from the sky, no man-made contraptions in my way. I like watching the puddles fill, the little streams run in street gutters. I like having hair wet from sky water.

I love wind. I feel accomplished walking through wind. I feel strong. Wind reminds me of God's power. Spirit. Breath. I like the sound of wind in the trees and the grass. I like feeling the pressure of the wind against my face. And when you add wind with rain, or snow, or sleet, you get power and life, power and playfulness. It's beautiful.

I love sunshine. I love a blue sky. I like watching the birds fly beneath it, notice the airplanes as they buzz by, I like the light reflecting, shadows of tree limbs on brick buildings, the feel of warm sunshine on my face. I like big puffy clouds. I like reflections of the sky in water. I like watching fall leaves float down beneath blue, winter trees bask in the warm glow, green buds of leaves and awake in spring against that strong blue, the hawks soar on warm currents over the forests in summer.

There is something delightful about snow. It is quiet and unassuming. It is gentle. It's beautiful. The cold that comes with it delights the tip of my nose and my ears. It's lovely to smile and realize my teeth are cold. I like a sunny day with snow reflecting, everything bright and beautiful. I like a cloudy day with snow, everything pale. I like trudging through snow, trying to keep my footing, following footsteps or making my own path. I like catching snowflakes on my mittens or gloves. I like the awakening that comes with a snowflake in the eye.

And when spring comes, the rain comes again. And thunderstorms full of power and joy. And puddles to jump in, and crisp mornings and warm afternoons. And soft breezes.

Delightful things!

I think sometimes it is necessary to wonder. Sometimes I think it is necessary to enjoy having your hair be wet all day, because of the rain. Sometimes I think it is necessary to enjoy the things you cannot control, the things that are more powerful than any human. Sometimes I think it is necessary to buy ice cream and walk in the rain while eating it, even if it is crazy. Even if you might catch a cold. Sometimes I think it is necessary to spin around in the snow, or close your eyes and stick your face into the wind, or unwrap your scarf for a moment to feel the nip of icy air on your ears. Sometimes I think it is necessary to walk through the puddles and look down, but up into the sky at the same time, to wonder a bit, to marvel.

So then, even if you are depressed and stressed, and you feel as though you have so much passion that is not being put to use because you haven't the foggiest idea how to use it on your own, you still have something to wonder at, something to take delight in. Something you did not make. Something no human made. Something that is fresh and real.

I am so blessed, to have been given this sense of wonder. Try it with me?

*I say happy, and I mean happy. I think joy is a completely different thing. We, the followers of JC, are called to have joy in all circumstances. I think joy is not this coming and going emotion. I think joy is a harder, softer, thing to grasp, deeper than happiness. But here, I will always have something to be happy about, something to delight in.

oct 18

I am so sad.

I feel as if all the joy has been sucked out of me.

I knew what/who Invisible Children was before I went tonight, I knew the horrific things. I knew that I would cry. I knew it would be hard.

but I am so sad.

I can't do anything. I don't have much money. I don't know what else to do to help them. To help the children abducted by the LRA in Africa, to help the children all over the world trafficked in the sex trade, to help, to help, to help.

I need to scream and yell. but if I did here, people would worry. I need someplace abandoned. It's not going to happen. So I pace instead. In my room, back and forth, until I am dizzy. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone.

so sad.

If J were not in England, I would ask if I could do my math homework in her room, or apartment just so I would not have to be alone. and she would understand.

and when you think about one sad thing, they all seem to bubble up. they all want a piece of your sadness. all the sad things happening to children. all the things troubling me.

bubble

bubble

bubble

there is always hope.

I do not want to wallow.

I also do not want to brush this aside. I do not want to forget them.

please.

windy,

gorgeous day.

I sat with my Love

in a secret place. (not so secret, but I felt like it was :) )

and enjoyed His presence.

and marveled at the wind,

and how amidst the glorious wind and sun and pine trees,

He would choose to sit with me.

Five Minute Friday: Catch

It's Friday! Which means we write for five minutes flat on one topic. Don't edit, and don't worry about how it sounds. Just write. Then we link up to Gypsy Mama and encourage each other! :) Here is where it started, if you want the "official" rules.

And today's topic is catch.

just. write. go.

Catch me. That's what comes to mind first, Jesus. I want You to catch me. I want You to catch me and put me back on the ground exactly where you want me. That is exactly where I want to be. But what if you have? What if this is where you want me? Where do I go from there? If I knew for a fact, I could trust you. But all I know for a fact right now is that I am frustrated. That and You love me. But oh I am frustrated. It's not Your fault, and I know You're not frustrated like I'm frustrated. But I would love it if You would just catch me. If you would just show me what You're doing. If this is where you want me...

just catch me.

I'm thinking about the church bells, and how they've sounded the same for hundreds of years. And how people have sat in this dorm room and heard them, for decades. And I'm thinking about all the women and men, and before that, just men, who went through universities, and studied hard, and probably, like I do, stared out the window into the sky and daydreamed for a bit after writing an especially confusing sentence. I'm thinking about the privilege of going to university. About how in history, not so many women got to go. I'm thinking about working harder.

a girl post

I'm sorry dears, but I am a girl.

I don't want to say too much. But I'm having an epiphany. (what a cool word!)

Maybe it's him, not me. Maybe he's the one who's not ready for a relationship. Maybe it isn't a huge list of things about me that aren't there yet.

Maybe maybe maybe not,

but it is a freeing thing to consider.

Ache

ugh.

everywhere, people ache.

ache.

all over this world, there are people who are soldiering faithfully on, and they ache. People who are fighting nasty diseases, people who have emotional pain...

everywhere people ache.

and I ache for them.

I ache for you.

Five Minute Friday Forgotten again!

I forgot Five Minute Friday again! :( But I'm going to do it anyway, because I like the writing for five minutes, no editing thing. :) Do you want to do it too? Here are the "rules." The jist: write for five minutes on the given topic and don't edit it! Don't worry if it doesn't sound smooth. Just write!

And yesterday's topic was Ordinary. (I didn't actually have time yesterday anyway, but I'm still sad I forgot. But it's ok. This is my blog, I can write a day late :) )

Ordinary. and go.

I've been thinking about ordinary a lot recently. I've been in lots of situations and places where we share our stories, our hearts. I downplay my story a lot because it is not exciting. It is ordinary. (which technically I suppose it is not because that is a subjective word, like normal. What is normal or ordinary for me is not at all for you... yada yada.) But for me, my life has been ordinary. No traumatic events... I am thankful for that! But when I'm trying to explain to people why I am this way, there's no way to explain. "so um... I grew up in a house, with two parents and some siblings... I had a good life, nothing traumatic ever happened..." Everything that shaped me was internal, not external. Well not everything, I watched my sisters go through magnificent things that shaped my views a lot. But pretty low-key. A few weeks ago someone told me not to downplay my quiet life. She learned through subtlety, she said. The ordinary. I suppose it is needed, I suppose some of us have to hold down the normal. Like I said, I'm thankful for my life. I am. I still want to find some extraordinary in there somewhere though. I know, God makes my life extraordinary. But you know? I want some adventure!

stop.

(I know, adventure will come. But my five minute friday is not going to be smooth and put together, it's going to be what's on my mind. And that is on my mind.)

loves

It's not ok.

In March? (I think it was March?) I wrote a note about things I needed to say so I didn't implode. Well this is part two. I'm not going to implode today, because I got to talk to Sam and Emily. But I need to write. I haven't written a good poem in weeks. Some ramblage has got to come out. Sometimes meaningful conversations are more important than studying or sleep.

Cru. I didn't want to go, cause I'm just not feeling bouncy and bubbly and happy tonight, and I didn't want to pretend I was. But being the only cru this month, I felt sort of obligated to go. So I went. And in the middle of the social justice talk were the statistics of how many women get sexually assaulted and the reminder that we aren't treated like we should be. (I'm not going to re-hash it, we can talk about it in person someday if you want.)

Anytime those stats come into conversation, or anything to do with the disgustingness of how we are treated, I get angry. Furious.

It's not ok.

Where are the men who are stepping up?

How the heck have I made it this far mostly un-scarred?

I am furious at the American society.

It goes so far beyond the media. Yeah, the media plays a big part. But sometimes I think it is all we focus on. Friends, I don't watch much tv. I don't listen to a lot of objectifying music. I don't go a lot of places. And I feel almost swallowed by it.

It's not ok.

This is not ok.

This is not acceptable.

We are God's girls.

Treat us as such.

It goes both ways for sure. It's rather sticky, not so clear. Men aren't treated right either. I get that. And the people who would read this are doing just fine in their treatment of people, I am fairly sure.

But I have to let it out. I have to say it. It eats us.

Dear American Society,

I am angry, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm just one girl. It's hard for me to fight your lies for all the others of us. I'm worried they won't listen to me. We all tell each other we're beautiful till we're blue in the face and no one really believes it. But I'll do it anyway, because I can't sit around and watch myself and everyone else get trampled over by your ridiculous values and standards and LIES.

ahem.

Sincerely,

me.

Sunset

Tonight I went to the Union for supper. I took my beef rice bowl up to the third floor for a great view of a most incredible sunset. I couldn't help myself- I wrote some words about it in the back of my planner. And this is what I have formed from it.

(10/3, Heavenly, GOLD.)

Somehow He loves me more than the sunset. Somehow the sunset is for our enjoyment. SO beautiful. I want to be those clouds and have the sun glowing upon me. But somehow, He loves me- imperfect, selfish, snarky me, so much more than that delicious display of glory. I am part of that creation.

This view makes me want to giggle, to shout, to weep. I have no words worthy of this.

It reminds me how rich we are, to be so LOVED. It reminds me to marvel at the other parts of creation even more. It reminds me that every evening I should watch the sun set, that (if I could drag myself from sleep) I would watch it rise every morning.

pink, purple, gold, orange, blue, rolling clouds.

and all there is to say is WOAH.

After I left, I felt so much more awake than I have all day.

Somehow He loves us more!

I'd scream too.

I'd scream too if I were in that sorority. We should all scream out for the things/ones we love. How fun that would be!

I had a fun weekend. laughing and rainbows and a walmart trip and a wedding.

Walked with J tonight, so lovely. The moon coming and going behind the clouds, a bunny!, breezy chillyness. It was just nice.

And now there are murmurs of talking down the hall, which tonight, is nice.

and now I'm listening to this song.

loves!