oh you know

What was I doing? I was going somewhere with this. Oh, yes.

Sometimes you just have to write it all down. This is this.

Every time I see you, I have the urge to cry. I'm frustrated with myself. How could I have been so weak to fall in love with you and not even know you. I can't believe I did. My brain screams *avoidavoidavoid* and I practically run the the opposite side of the dining hall so you can't see me and then I peruse the drinks long enough to realize I don't want another drink. So I buy an apple and walk in circles in the rain until my head quiets, until I let myself realize this is ok. P, this is ok. You're ok. 


Oh the calming powers of rain and apples. And Jesus.

His name is not Malki-Tzedek (Malchizedek, or Tzedekiah), I can't marry him.  but you could be his friend.

What to pray for. To take him away, or to bring him closer? Who's to know?

You can't solve this
but I had to let it out.

Like Peter Groenwald's song "Wreckage" says. "your thoughts, they are fighting your skin for fresh air."