A Pretty Remarkable Year

I wore orange lipstick to the ocean.

It was a pretty remarkable year.

I drove across the fiercely beautiful Vermont fall foliage in its peak;

Quit a good, safe, full-time job with benefits;

Decided on, applied for, and started seminary;

Stopped justifying that decision to people and started speaking honestly, “I want to work in pastoral care;”

Became proficient in eyeliner;

Saw a bald eagle in the wild;

Found some friends who love to listen to God together and we heard from God a lot;

Grew in uncompromising love for Jesus,

Made decisions most people did not understand out of that love;

And fell in love--

with Dobra tea in Portland,

Wolfes Neck State Park,

and a man, unconventionally and unrequited,

and yet have encompassing peace with it.

Yes, it was a pretty remarkable year.

I gave my dog back to the shelter today. She was with me ten days. There were a whole slew of reasons why it did not work out with us. On her end, she couldn't be alone. She howled. I have a roommate. Also I need sleep. She didn't really sleep at night. I woke up every night and spent several downstairs with her. I was naive to think she would be fine right off the bat, I know. But I didn't have several months for her to settle in. I have school starting and I need to do it well. That needs to be my priority.

I prayed a lot about the decision to adopt her and I do think God was okay with it. So much freedom. But then, it didn't work out. I must believe there is freedom on this end too.

On my end, I also do not like being alone for a long time. Even with a dog to keep me company. They say I should have realized this before I got a dog. Well, I didn't. You don't know until you know.

I learned a lot about myself.

On my end, I couldn't focus on anything but this dog. I was panicked. The whole time. We fed off each other's anxiety. It was like a cesspool of anxiety. I cried literally every day. And that just wouldn't do. I realized that I keep trying out these things that the church and the world and my community tells me is the good life. I learned that I need to weigh everything. Where did I get this idea? Will this action push me closer to Jesus or pull me further away? In a different circumstance, a dog would be an amazing tool for hospitality. Until, I realized after I got the dog that my dear friend and roommate doesn't love having people over like I do. And me sitting at home alone keeping dear dog company just wouldn't work for me. Even if God blesses a choice. I still have to weigh it. I still have to choose. Turns out, I want to be available to Jesus when he asks me to do something crazy. Turns out my commitment to that will never be out-shadowed by a commitment to an animal.

I know about 2.8 people in my community will understand this. I have to be okay even if no one gets it. And I have to accept the consequences of friends thinking I am a monster because I adopted a dog and then gave her back.

I brought this pain on myself and it hurts like hell. I chose this and it hurts like hell.

It hurts like hell.

Taking her back was a horrible experience for me. But I made myself go alone because this was my mistake to solve. So I do not ask anyone for sympathy. My mistake made this sweet old girl go back to the shelter. And I am so sad for that. I am so sad.

I anointed her with oil and prayed over her. So I trust that God will give her a new home soon. So soon. This week. I know old black dogs have a hard time getting adopted but I AM INTERCEEDING FOR YOU, DAISEY.

it hurts like hell.

i wrote about laughing

and have been aching away

in my red chair since

what can i do

with this one aching heart

pour it out.

i want to build a sail to explore the horizon

plant it in the ground

like seeds

for flowers

send it across the sea

in a glass bottle

tie it to moth wings and let it scatter

just pour it out

into the dust.

i was made for wild

for the wind

He knows.

just pour it out