mimi ni mzima

in Kiswahili: I am full/whole.

Today I was served the most yummy dinner. The most yummy because I was served, because it was simple, because I was served. And snuggled with a most adorable dog.

It was refreshing to be able to answer, "yes!" when asked, "do you want to play this with me?"
refreshing to hand little plastic gems to a little girl, her sharp little fingernails sticking into my palms as she grabbed them.

Treated to pinkberry with a new friend, real friends now because we talked about shaving our legs- or lack of ;)

Sat in the union yesterday morning and wrote about my heart as a mango. J gave me mango juice in the morning that tasted like summer in Mexico. My mango heart exposed.

Talked to a professor in the library, decided to meet with classmates even without having class.
In that class he asks me for input when no one else will talk because I talk so much. Hmm.

Monday night my soul busted through.

oh there is so much in my head.

I dreamed Obama was going to come for tea and I was worried because I didn't have any food. I was going to serve him goldfish :)

got a picture in the mail from my niece :) It is now hanging on the wall in the living room.

And, most importantly, falling more deeply in love with the creator of the universe every day :)

also, Greg Laswell and Matthew Perryman Jones.

so much.
mimi ni mzima.

I'm in love.

I'm in love... with the vast, endless Being.

Today I've been thinking about that love, my love. It's overwhelming- in a beautiful way. I never want to be in control of this.

Yesterday I was sitting with my beautiful sisterfriend Amber, and she said something nonchalantly and lovely, something about how God is not of any culture. He doesn't conform to any social norms or customs, how he goes through them and around them and gets to the hearts of people with Love we can't escape.

HE IS HIS OWN CULTURE.
And I want to be of HIS culture,
which means that I NO LONGER HAVE TO CONFORM TO AMERICAN CULTURE! NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT! (Which will be hard, because I am a people pleaser and if people are weirded out by me or don't respond well that is going to be uncomfortable and hard. But I would rather be uncomfortable in God's glorious culture of Love than comfortable in this one.)

It is the people who put the emphasis on following the cultural norms.

Yes, Jesus was socialized in a specific culture, but he definitely went beyond his culture too.

Also, I have thirteen dollars in my wallet right now and I feel so wealthy. I want to simplify, it feels so good. I've been wearing the same clothes as many days in a row as I can. Again with the culture thing. 

I'm in love.

gloriousities

Yesterday it was simultaneously snowing and sunny while J and I were walking to church!

omelets for lunch!

skyping with T, who is super far away

J and I put an enthusiastic! quote on the wall 

bible study with tea :)

day off today~ going to make loving things with A!

drinking black tea with just a smidgen of sugar

happyhappy!

slow

Writing comes slow these days, but I've got to write.

Last night I dreamed about Hungary again. The refugee camp was much different~ much nicer, more like a small city. I remember pulling out the envelope (that is currently sitting on my desk in Cincinnati) that still has about thirty dollars worth of forints in it, and buying some ice cream. I was staying in a small room with six other girls, some of whom I know in this town. I was relieved to be back. It was different, but it was good.

I'm taking a poetry workshop class, and of course I am writing about refugees. I half hate, half love sharing poetry. It's a piece of my soul, sorta, at least a reflection of it. But I want it to be better, too, because I want to share it and I want people to be educated and feel.

Human trafficking used to make my blood boil. It was that kind of passion. The kind of anger to do things with.

The situation of refugees in the world gives a different kind of passion. It makes me so sad. Intense sadness. I read the news on Tuesday (the 15th) morning, and I cried. a lot. I'm okay with that.

This got me good.

But again, I'm having a hard time loving Americans, especially my peers. A really hard time. If we go beyond the small talk it's okay. But on topics of weather and teasing and sarcasm and complaining... what's the point? 

yeah, I want to blog today, recently, but the words are drying up again. That's okay :)

Trust

Trust.

Apparently I'm still terrible at it. Apparently God isn't going to let up on the learning. Apparently He's actually going to lay down the lessons harder.

When things are out of my control.


I don't like it.

Burst

My heart is full to burst.

So I went to Europe, alone, and I came back. There were surely moments when I half-wondered if I would get stuck there, and then there was the soft voice in the back of my head, Do you trust Me? and a sort of smile. yes. yes Jesus I trust you. Let's go.

Before I got on the plane to come home, I spent a long time waiting in the tiny town of Shwaig, Germany. Honestly, I think my time there changed my life. I realized this on some plane, or maybe it was my experience in the Paris airport, or maybe both.

There is something freeing about being unreachable. Walking along a little creek in rural Germany, smiling at an old woman on a bicycle, she doesn't know me, no one does... Free, just me and Jesus.

There is something fantastic about being desperate for help. Not fun, but fantastic. Letting go of a ton of bricks in that hotel. A ton of bricks I did not want to put down. Pleading with the man in the yellow vest at the airport to help me, though my ticket did not have the right information, and I did not speak French.

New Year's Resolutions don't work for me, but I make them anyway.

I will share courageous joy. Even when it means I will be humiliated. Jesus was humiliated, for all of us, I can be humiliated for him.

Fresh ideas.
Reading the thoughts of beautiful friends and feeling full.

Full to burst.

Changed and free and joy. Such big, loaded words.
And/But they are what I have.

I wish you a joyful new year, friends, and I wish your joy to be courageous!