remembering

In March of 2008 I went to India to visit my sister and brother in law.

I got sick. I usually do when I travel.

One day we sat in a broken down bus for two hours and were breathing in all sorts of nasty gases. Later that night, I had some, uh, issues. (So did some of the other kids who were on the bus.) So it was what, three in the morning? And I had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and meanwhile discovered that I was going to puke. So I did, but anyways that's not the point. While I was puking, excuse the grossness of this please, I was filled with this indescribable joy. A song I hadn't sung since I was little and can't since remember filled my mind, and I sang it to myself over and over and over during that terrible half an hour or however long it was. I was making jokes in my mind about what sort of dying animal I probably sounded like. I was joyful, crazily joyful. I haven't been able to remember the song since then either.

As I'm getting ready to go to someplace new this Christmas, I'm being reminded that even if anything does go wrong, I don't need to worry about it, because without even asking J filled me with such wonderful joy that night.

laaaaa!

much love!

~p

I love my hair.

Dec 14

My room is messy today. I like it. I feel like it shows the world I have more important things to do than clean. I will have to clean later today, but for now, I'm enjoying it. It shows life. Someone lives here! Someone interesting, with bright things and lots of words written down on sticky notes, crumpled jeans on the floor, random shoes scattered around. I like it.

Today I walked to my exam through the snow and against the glorious sunrise while listening to the pride & prejudice soundtrack. GLORIOUS!

I love the sound of crunching snow. I love being able to see my breath. I love the winter breeze that makes my hair wisp around. I love the community that is created out of cold. I love smiling and realizing that my teeth are cold. I love wearing bright colored gloves and scarves. I love how I get some color in my face. I love the tingling feeling that comes after I get out of the cold. I love listening to amazing music as I trudge along, trying not to slip.

This day and I fit perfectly together.

also, I'm Miss Icicle! I'm Miss snow!

things :)

1. I was reminded again today how beautiful the shadows of bare trees against walls are.

2. We got our heater fixed today so the window is no longer perpetually icy on the inside. Of course, now that means it will be super duper dry in here and I'll get really hot, but anything is better than last year, yeah? (yes! we couldn't control the heat last year and I think it was on full blast allllll the time.)

3. I love having wonderful, soft music on and then forgetting it's there, and thinking to myself, "mmm, it would sure be nice to have some music." Then I go to put some on and realize there already is some! lovely!

4. I'm done with Russian!

5. I'm currently listening to music by Explosions in the Sky. It's a really good band. all instrumental. Right now the song is "Our Last Day as Children." Aw man. Most of their stuff I love.

6. There is snow outside :) It's so fun to crunch through.

7. I also love the sounds of the winter trees creaking and blowing in the winter wind. aaahhh lovely.

8. I got to study with a good friend today :)

9. I had a peanut butter and honey sandwich with a banana for supper. yummy.

10. This music makes me feel elegant. :) (so long, lonesome, explosions)

a think

My friends are watching Robin Hood, and I was thinking to myself, "wow it would be scary to live then." I often think about how I would love to have lived in the past, back in Jane Austen's times or during the beginning of America, but I realize it must have been incredibly scary. Then again, people would know the social norms and know the corruption and how to live around it. But then, where I live now is probably pretty scary too. And then I was thinking, or rather, am thinking, that people haven't change so much. Our hearts are the same. Or maybe over the years they've weakened. But we're still people. I've been talking with people about how men are not fully men and women are not fully women, not like we're meant to be. We were talking in the context of American men and women, like maybe this is just some facade, we pretend that we know what it means to be men or to be women, but do we? I don't think we've got it. In different cultures, the way women and men act are so diffferent. So there's my incoherent ramble for the day. I might add more. What do you think?

also, things I am thankful for today:

the apple I ate earlier

and the cookie

the cold weather

getting to sleep in

my warm bed that is up high and feels like a nest

tomorrow being Sunday

shampoo

warm socks

poem I wrote in about five minutes

(or less)

ON MYSELF, & THIS SITUATION I AM IN NOW.

on the surface:

bubbling and swirling,

interrupted thoughts, thumping

“beware of falling rock”

loud, ominous crashes

all around, surrounding

will it ever end?

but inside, peace.

calm, soft wind

light breezes

whispers, deep trust

fountains and trickling streams

willows and sycamores

geese nesting

hope for the end of this, punctuated with giggles,

peace.

(I wrote that very quickly. The goal is not for it to be good, but for it to be truth.)

The sky today.

The sky today.

The sun was shining brilliantly from one half of the sky, and the strong, elegant grey was standing equally as strong from the other side. The winter trees bathed in gold looked gorgeous. The air was crisp, and I was enraptured. :)

still am enraptured, in fact. Though now the grey is taking over and the clouds are underlined in pink and yellow and there are random blue spots popping up here and there.

I took loads of pictures.

Here are a few. Now, I just got a new camera and I was playing around with the settings. I don't pretend to know what I'm doing, I just take pictures for my own viewing pleasure. So I know they're not magnificent photos :)

I hope you are having a wonderful day!

This is the one of the last pictures I took. This is later.

You probably can't see the flakes, but it is snowing!

Again, probably can't tell, but any dark specks in the blue are snow flakes

I just like these :)

and I like you! teehee!

the ups and downs of being quiet

I'm more quiet than the average Mary Ellen. It took me a long time to realize, but being quiet is a good thing. Not being mousey, or mute, but just more quiet. I admit, I am more mute than quiet in a lot of settings, and I am going to work on this. But I want to list out some ups and downs of being a generally more quiet person than the average Mary Ellen.

1. You get pegged. Scenario: You're sitting in the backseat of a car and a certain song comes on the radio. One friend in the front says to the other friends who is driving, "we should probably change it. She probably doesn't like this kind of music." But just then you recognize what song it is and realize that you love this song! So that's what you say. "I love this song!" They both (well actually only one of them turns around to look at you in disbelief. The other one is driving) turn and look at you and one of them says, "Really? I wouldn't have thought you would like this." "Yup" you say, "I like anything pretty much. As long as it has a beat." They're sort of in disbelief but happy too, and turn up the song and keep driving. Something like that has happened to me sooo many times.

2. People assume you're academically talented. They assume you know all the answers. They assume you will cry if you get anything under an A.

3. People talk around you. They're not afraid to say anything at all, because I doubt they even know you're there, or if they do, you're quiet, who would you tell? So you learn lots of things about people around you. You know a lot of names, you recognize a lot of people.

4. You can scare your roommate. Today I went to the bathroom, then walked back into the room to get my dish soap, then walked back out to wash my glasses, then came back in. I was moving around, and when I crunched my trash down in the bag getting ready to take it out, and she just about jumped out of my chair. And then she told me I'd scared her because I was being so quiet. And then she told me that some days when we're both just looking at our computer screens for a long time she sort of forgets I'm there. (MOOHAHAHAHA!)

5. People assume you're shy. They assume that because you listen more than you talk, you must be afraid to talk.

43 Things

43things

That is a wonderful site.

silence, and other tangents

Ahhh, silence. I enjoy my five minutes of it before it ends or I fall asleep tonight. I enjoy all the silence I get. Tonight I get five minutes. I love the sounds during quiet. The sounds of the wind rattling the windows, the plastic blinds clicking together, my roommate typing keys, doors shutting and people walking in the hallway. And then she realizes it's quiet and turns on the fan. I don't enjoy the fan as much, but I handle it, like I handle the tv the rest of the time. From eight in the morning till about 12 at night, most days it's on. I don't enjoy it, but I handle it, although I much prefer the quiet and the little sounds that come along with it. At least I can still hear the train whistles over the fan. The enthusiastic whirrs can't drown out the haunting wail of the trains. They are my escape at night, if I cannot see moonlight. I deal with the constant noise for those darling pieces of quiet. I say silence, but it's never silent, truly. I love the little sounds you sometimes miss when the tv is on or the radio is blaring. I love the elegant sounds of papers shuffling, the scrape of paper edges as you turn pages, the scratches of pen on paper. When it's quiet you're so much more aware of not only the sounds, but all of the surroundings- the way the setting sun is making the carpet golden or the fact that those plastic blinds are moving ever so slightly. Typing becomes its own rhythm, your clothes rubbing against your desk are their own song. You are secretive, not to be found out by any sound coming from behind the door except soft typing, the sounds of socks rubbing carpet, or a dresser drawer opening and closing. I take it when I can get it, and when I can't get it (like now), I blast wailing, haunting music into my ears. Music that understands the need for soft, for not drowning out, for sometimes embracing the quiet. But it is silly, I use it to drown out course words from the tv, words that don't appreciate quiet. But better to have loud, soft music than noise filling meaningless in the background, right?

*Like a lot of people, my roommate can't have quiet. It makes me super sad, cause I really think she's missing out, but I'm not saying that it makes me mad when people have constant background noise, I just want to say that some quiet can be a marvelous thing.

Have a beautiful day!

-P

blip

tried to change the background of my blog today, but so far it hasn't worked. so hmm. will keep working on it. I quite like "frolic" but wanted to try something new.

aaanyways, that is not why I got to blogging today. so I'll be on with that now :)

I'm bragging

I'm a writer! A novelist!

I finished my nanowrimo!! (nanowrimo.org) This was my fourth year trying it. The first year I got about 10k words, then 12, then 20, and this year I finally finished!

I got to 51600 words tonight!! That's about 200 pages. That doesn't mean it's good, or even decent. It means I am capable of writing that much. Good wasn't the goal. I don't know how much I'll edit, and I probably won't be showing it to anyone anytime soon, sorry. Like I said, it isn't much good. I loved my characters too much to completely ruin their lives, which would have made the story a lot better, but I just couldn't do it.

So yeah, there is my bragging for the day :)

thanks for putting up with it :)

love yous!

-P

I feel beautiful with red hair.

(dyed it red again today)

(I sometimes feel beautiful with brown hair too)

also, I am brilliantly good at procrastinating.

According to my six word memoirs,

I like apples more than candy

and blueberries more than boys.

Someone remind me of that now, please.

:)

giggle.

Saturday...

Hey friends!

I could have slept in today but my body woke up at 8. oh well. At least I woke up on my own, not to an alarm or people yelling outside. Today I just have a bunch of homework/projects/cleaning but I'm putting it off right now. I would have been sleeping...

My week was good enough, I think my computer has a virus though :( I took it to the tech place but the guy didn't believe me since I have a mac. It made me so mad. I think I'll go back next week and try to explain to them that actually I DO know what I'm talking about. Other than that it was great! I didn't stress (ok let me rephrase that. I didn't have a breakdown) about Russian so I think I might have done better on the test. (by better I mean passing.) Professors are starting to pile on the projects. urg. My roommate went home this weekend. :) I like her, but it's nice to be alone sometimes and have the tv OFF. aaahhhhh. :) Nanowrimo starts soon! (nanowrimo.org) I don't have a single idea. so since I pretty much know I won't finish, I think I'm just going to do something wild and crazy and get as far as I get. :)

Have a lovely weekend!

~P

When will I give it up and just LIVE?

like I have been saying in so many previous posts??

update...

Nothing super exciting has happened lately. I had fall break, that was really refreshing! I got to see Sarah! Classes are going all right mostly, except Russian... but it's my own fault for taking it. urg. I've got swinging (like at a playground- not dancing) a few times with my friend Lara. (I love playgrounds!) My dance class is amazingly fun! Unfortunately it only meets two days a week for fifty minutes. sad. I'm loving the cooler weather and can't wait for winter! So yeah, life is pretty good. I neeeeed to learn how to talk to boys though. just friends ;)

love!

P

highlights of latelies

1. went puddle jumping! so fun. :)

2. *tried* to play hopscotch, and then drew a pretty landscape on the ground instead. (both of these things with Lara) (The best part was not caring that people saw us and thought we were dumb.)

3. got to see the tail end of some fireworks from the football game. My roomsie and I RAN down the stairs and past the other dorm so we could see them. it was kind of exciting.

4. looked at the moon last night with Lara. It's always nice to appreciate something with someone else.

5. had a dance party in my room on saturday night. (mostly just me dancing, but it was still super fun. :D

Interview with an IJM (International Justice Mission) investigator

It's about five minutes.

My latest...

Last week I had a Russian test. I failed. Miserably. Don’t believe me? 39%. I knew I would do badly, I just can’t get the stuff figured out. Studying for that was incredibly stressful and it just made me disgusted with everything to do with that language. Wednesday my friend and I both almost cried during that class. And then Thursday trying to study I just completely broke down. So Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were incredibly stressful with Russian. To make things worse, my Russian teacher has been very unprofessional in how she talks about the Russian professor I had last semester. I’ll be the first to admit she wasn’t the greatest teacher, but she was my teacher, and I really liked her as a person and I respected her. So for my current professor to be so rude I get pretty upset.

I’m also stressed because I have too many activities. Between 18 hours of school and my activities I have almost no free time. I’m either studying, in class, sleeping, or at one of my activities. I liked the business before, but now it is really starting to stress me out. I don’t want to cut anything out but I know I need to. But I don’t know what.

I really need to just go cry it out. But whenever I’m alone I get all giggly. It’s only when I’m with other people that I feel I’ll explode. It stinks. I need to let it out.

I’m ok though. I’ve decided I’m FINISHED with stress. (I know I decide that like once a week.) I know I will get stressed again. But somewhere in my mind I must remember that in the light of eternity it doesn’t matter. If it takes me seven years to graduate from college, it doesn’t matter. If I have to wait seven years to get into my field, it doesn’t matter. If people hate me, it doesn’t matter. No matter what they think of me, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t really matter. I’m TIRED of looking to the broken culture around me for guidance. I’m TIRED of pretending to be the same. I’m TIRED of keeping quiet when something makes me passionate. I’m TIRED of being afraid. And yeah, I can shout this out through ink all I want. That’s not difficult at all. No risk. I’m TIRED of not taking a risk because I am too afraid that this culture will reject me. I’m tired of being afraid of this culture. Tired Tired Tired.

wow that ended up being about something completely different than how it started. ha. doesn’t it always happen that way.

song

don't know where you are spiritually but I absolutely love this song. Here it is, if you want to listen to it.

Embracing Accusations, Shane and Shane

Have a lovely day!

PB&J

I want to be that which the world cannot and refuses to understand. I want to live with a joy the world does not know exists. I want to live in such a way that will inevitably get me judged, stereotyped, and disliked. I want to jump in the rain puddles at noon and skip when I am happy. I want to spin around, laughing at the night sky, giggly and laughing at seemingly nothing. I want to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in such a way that will make people wonder what has gotten into me. I want to laugh when something strikes me funny and cry when something strikes me sad. I want to marvel aloud at the grass and the butterflies and the velvet night sky. I want to live in such a way that the world will narrow its eyes and frown, and wonder what planet I’ve come from.

It is when I am this way, that I will finally be me, completely. and I will be happy.

weekend

I've been having a GREAT weekend. (Hope you have been too!)

Friday night my roommate went home and then I went over to a girl's apartment. (I had just met her the night before) She, and another girl and I played scene it jr. and watched She's the Man and then Titanic was on t.v. so we watched some of that. (UGH. That made me so sad!!)

Saturday I was planning on just doing homework but I woke up kind of late so I cleaned, called my grandparents, had lunch, and then I had a facebook message inviting me to go to a barn dance for internationals!!! That was SO SO SO fun! We did line dances, circle dances, and square dances. We had no idea what we were doing half the time and it was awesome fun! It was also in a really pretty place. It was at someone's house in the country and they have a really big field for hay rides and a nice sized pond. It was gorgeous and SO NICE to get off of campus and into someplace pretty for a bit.

Then when I got back from that I went with a friend to her friend's apartment and we watched Blood Diamond. SO SAD.

Today I went to church, had lunch with friends, called a friend, did some work, then went out and took a walk around campus and took pictures. It is GORGEOUS outside. No school tomorrow and then Tuesday I only have one this week! eep!

Hope you're having a great day!

P

Recent Excitement

Yesterday, a girl I had never met before approached me as I was eating lunch and announced that she was going to sit across from me. I told her that I wished I had the courage to do that. He had a good conversation. She is planning her own major in costume design. She plays the string bass. She asked about my interest in internationals and what I want to do with my life. She talked about what she has been learning in her economics class. It was a lovely conversation, and I am choosing to take her courage as a nudge to try it myself. It made my day. I am excited to try it.

Have you ever heard of 50 people, one question? They ask some thoughtful, some silly questions. Instead of asking people what they study, which is a perfectly fine question, I want to ask people thoughtful questions. I want to ask people what they are passionate about. Whether or not I am brave enough to ask that, let alone sit down with someone, is questionable.

The lunch event made me giddy. I felt as if I should skip. When I told my roommate this, she responded with the usual, “you’re weird.” And though it twinges a little bit, that she doesn’t (or at least doesn’t admit to) understand or enjoy my enthusiasm, I would much rather be weird than boring, or worse yet, fake. I hope that someday she will realize that though to the world I am weird, I am enthusiastic, and in my weirdness I am supremely happy. And the more “weird” I get, the happier I become. And I giggle more. There are few things I love more than being happy and giggling.

So. I invite you. Be weird with me today. Or tomorrow. Let’s spread the giddy weirdness all over the world. J

Happiness!

(heart), P

p.s. What are you passionate about?

Want

I want to be a freak in this society.

I want to dress and carry myself with joy and freedom.

I want to live in such a way that will indefinitely get me judged and stereotyped.

Though I'd love to go along with everyone else and say that what people think of me doesn't bother me. But I can't. It does. When I'm with other people, I'm bold and joyful and they wonder at me. But when I'm alone, I can't do it.

I want to dance and skip and say hello to everyone. I want my unquenchable joy to actually show.

... working on it. I'll keep you posted.

1. It was lovely lovely lovely outside today!!

2. I slept quite well last night.

3. Today was good enough.

4. I really like my Russian prof.

5. I got to run.

Also learned two dances and didn't do too shabby at them! and sat under a tree to do homework and there was a lovely breeze and the sun was setting...

so I have plenty to be thankful for today.

First Day of School!

DANC (Folk and Square) : There are a lot of people in the class but they are mostly Phys. Ed teacher majors. Slightly intimidating. It was fun though. But we did a REALLY easy dance and I couldn't even do it. HAHAHA. OHWELL! So we just giggled :) I might drop it, I'm not sure. >> nah, I'll keep it. It's physical activity and exercising another part of my brain. I'll just cut down on the credit hours next semester. I think this class will be good for me. :D

MATH (Stats) : One of the first things the prof told us was that it was not a math class. She said if you're bad at math you're not necessarily bad at stats. YAY FOR ME!!!!!

PSYCH (Child Development) : It's a big lecture. The instructor is nice, and I love psych so I know I'll love the info. It'll definitely be hard, and some of the assignments seem sort of impossible for me, ha, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

BIO : Very nice prof. I think the lecture part will be fine. It's the lab I'm worried about, and that's tomorrow.

RUSN (lang) : HAHAHAHAHAHA we're all SO behind. There are 11 of us, and I know all but two of the guys. They're new. But the reason I took the class (other than minoring) is because I like the people. We just laugh.

Tomorrow I have Russian Culture and Bio Lab. woot woot!

waiting...

In 24 hours I will climb into the van and my daddy will drive us into the flat lands. and it will be goooood bye to my darling hilly treeey home. but I'm ready to go back.

I have so much stuff! aaaaaaaaagh!

It's rainy today but it's nice somehow. It was gorgeous all week, I can now deal with some rain.

Oh it is so hard to be motivated to pack! aaaaaaaagh! ;)

I talked to one of my friends from school and asked her how many international students would be living the the learning community this year. She didn't know exactly but she did say there were people from Europe, Russia, Ukraine, Krygyzstan (spelling??), and Japan. Quite a difference from last year when we just had people from Japan, Korea, and Hong Kong. (love them dearly, but it wasn't really global.) I'm not living there again but I can't wait to visit!! :D

...enough procrastination I suppose.... off to packing I shall go... or try... eeeeeeee....

thankful

I want to try and be thankful for 5 things every day. I won't put it on the blog every day, but for today, why not?

1. It is absolutely gorgeous outside.

2. That Sarah K told me about the jean sale and so I was able to get some fresh jeans without holes in the bums. woot woot!

3. For dinner with my parents' friends tonight. (and Chicken Run, one of the cutest movies ever! :) )

4. For plenty of boxes. (Though I am not at all looking forward to moving them....)

5. For less time left until I leave. I'm ready to go. It will be bittersweet of course, but I'm definitely ready to be away from my parents, however much I do love them.

hope you have a happy night!

oh, I'm also quite glad Hilary got away from that horrid job!!

tomorrow and the next day

and then i leaaaave....

again.

totally got this.

three more nights here.

packing is ...bleh.

i'm so ready for this year and all of its adventures though. i know it will be so very hard and i'm so ready for it. school is hard for everyone. and the friend issues, well, i'm ready for them. i'm starting out feeling way better than i did last year, and last year ended in an ok place. well, sort of. it all sort of exploded the week before we got out, but at least i was somewhat comfortable there.

anyway, i'm excited!

now... somebody tell me to stop blabbering on and start packing... ;)

1. It is GORGEOUS outside! and still under 90* at noon!
2. I only have 6 more nights here.. eek! I'm more excited to go back than I was last year, and last year ended ok, so I figure I'll be fine :)
3. Daddy and I saw a COYOTE!! yesterday!
4. Today I'm organizing... trying to... pre-packing I guess I'm calling it.
5. My socks are running away! :(

soo not very exciting day... but necessary I suppose.

off to organize my clothes, zone off staring at the sky and listen to some sweet music.

:D

yay us!

yay blogging!

hi friends!

now that people will actually read it I can write fun things :D hehe

Cherry flavoring is gross.

mostly.

donuts should NOT be cinnamon and cherry mixed.

GROSS.

Also my sister is now a master.

That's not all the news for today but it's the good news.

You probably have heard about the aid workers killed in Afghanistan. My parents knew the leader. It hits sort of close. People are not statistics when you are connected to them. When a few months ago you got a letter from them.

Well.

Goodnight.

I'm older than you buddy. You just listen to me. You don't know what you're getting into. We were never told it would be easy.

I'm invested. I spent a lot of time talking with you. I thought we were friends.

HMM. Buddy.

Who are you?

I thought you needed me.

You know what?

I needed you.

hush hush girl stuff

"You have cramps? Oh, just go run a mile. That'll help!"

Ummm yeah. That'll feel really good.

I've come to the conclusion that if you're not prepared, your period will come more on time than if you are prepared. At least, that always works for me.

Why is it so hush hush? Why can't I say, "Hey World, can you cut me some slack today? My insides ache." It's just a natural thing that happens to my body. Is it hush hush because it's slightly gross? It is gross, but I don't see how pretending like I don't hurt when I do helps so much. I think so many problems could be avoided if we just talked about it. "Hey can't come out today, I'm having cramps." Or more often in my case, a headache. That's so much easier than making up some lame excuse. It's not fair, that I have to pretend I feel just ducky, when in reality I feel like I'm exploding.

Or in school. Either the teacher figures it out and asks you about it in front of the class, or you get that, "I'm going to pass out right now if I don't get out of here" feeling and you have to half whisper it to them at the front of the room when the whole class is quietly working and can therefore hear you. And we're trained to be embarrassed.

I'm not saying it needs to become dinner conversation, but I would feel a lot better if the world wasn't embarrassed for me or didn't try to hide the fact that I am a girl, and girls have this... thing. It would be nice if instead of forcing me to pretend I feel great!, people would just realize that I'm trying my best, but I've got to take it a little more easy today. It would be nice. If people wouldn't be embarrassed. If people wouldn't keep it so hush hush. If people didn't run down the "feminine needs" isle at the grocery store. If I didn't feel like I have to hide my pads when I'm buying them at the store. If If If.

It always hurts to realize I'm not as important to someone as they are to me.

oh

well

You know what?

I love Psychology! (Which is good, cause it's my major.)

But I wavered for awhile, because sometimes people get this weird look on their face when I tell them what my major is. Or they give me a fake smile and say "great." Or maybe I'm just imagining it. Maybe I'm just imagining their disdain and my immediate response, "well you never know what'll happen. A lot of people change majors anyway." But either way, imaginative or not, I'm keeping it because I love it. I almost switched. I was dead set on switching to English. But I don't like taking English classes. So there. I love studying the brain.

goodnight. :)

I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

We go for walks, have cookouts and picnics, eat cookie dough while sitting on the kitchen floor, play in the river... oh it is just marvelous!

I need ideas.

That's all the instruction you need. :)