it's a beautiful day!

I feel powerful today. Beautiful, and feminine, and powerful.

The more correct term might be capable. Able. Enough. Today I feel like I am enough. It is similar to the feeling I get after I finish a good book. Except I haven’t finished any new books lately.

You have experiences that remind you that you can do this life thing, and succeed in it. Yesterday was scary. (no details, sorry) But it was just another life experience, another bonding experience, another show of God’s grace, reminding me of what real community is and what wonderful friends I have.

A few years ago I went to India. I was with my family, but it still felt like an accomplishment. Just little pieces about being there made me feel like I could do anything. India wasn’t my first trip out of the country, but some of the things I saw there were different from anything else. (I mean, I saw things in Russia that I had never seen before too, but India was a whole different animal from anything before.) India is beautiful. The nature is breathtaking. The culture was colorful- literally. Of course there were things I didn’t like about India, there are tons of things I don’t like about America, and I live here. But some of my experiences there gave me the same sort of feeling when I came home. I can do life here. I am capable of it.

Then I went to Mexico without my parents. It was just four of us girls flying down there for a week before the big group came. That wasn’t hard (except for the Houston airport.. haha) but it was another of those small accomplishments.

And then there was the taxi ride through Turkey in the wee hours of the morning, and getting stuck in a small airport in southern Russia.

For none of these experiences was I alone, but they still helped teach me of my capabilities, especially in community.

Taking care of injured people, bold eye contact, listening to people talk about their fragility…

These two years of college haven’t been delightful. They haven’t been particularly fun. There have been great, wonderful, fun bits, and they come often, but they’ve generally been much more eye opening than fun.

This year and last year have been so different, but they run around the same themes. The broken, emptiness of people. Last night, Lara said something like, “for a top predator, humans are so fragile.” so true. Such different experiences, but so transforming. And today, I feel powerful. capable.

I can’t really explain, but I want to.

I want to spend my life helping girls. America is ruining its girls. That fact is always on my mind. I’m always thinking about how people are, and how people should be.

Some days, I feel like I’ve grasped it. Some days I feel like I can see myself a bit more clearly. Some days, like today, I know, and feel that I am enough. That I am a girl of America, and I’ve made it through. And I have hope. That I can share. Some days, I’ve got it.

Today, I feel powerful and feminine, and enough.

God is so good. He's always with me, but some days His presence feels almost tangible. Some days my heart actually hears that I'm enough and loved and beautiful. Days like today.

They say change doesn’t happen over night.

They also say follow your heart, as if your heart is infallible. As if your heart knows the future, or what you really need, or what the other party feels about you.

They say you’ll find someone perfect. Does that mean you are perfect for someone? Do your flaws suddenly disappear?

They say what’s meant to be will be. They say your happily ever after will come. What about war? What about disease? Hardships?

They say those who mind don’t matter. What if the whole world minds?

They say you need a job that pays well. Security. A big car, a big house, a big grocery store.

They say you’d look so good if you’d only… and you get such a list you can’t even keep up with it all.

They say God bless America, when obviously He already has. Immensely.

They say winter is gloomy and cold weather is horrible. They say rain is bad but they like flowers. They like the green of summer. Without rain, there are no flowers. Put on some galoshes and deal with it gladly.

They say you need to have written goals.

They say you can do anything you want to do, unless that is something that doesn’t pay much, or something far away, or something you need to be alone for.

They say “good” is an acceptable response to questions.

They say speed limits are suggestions, and that you should go at least five over, unless you are driving in Terrace Park. Only then should you not pass the limit.

They say not to care what others think. Why all the fads then? Why the wrinkle creams? Why the smelly stuff? You can say over and over that you do it for yourself. But if you were the only person on earth would you bother fixing your beautiful laugh wrinkles?

They say be yourself, and then get in your face with images of what you want, what you need.

They say you should only rely on yourself. That no one knows what is best for you but you.

They say you are powerful, you are valuable, you are something special. But your clothes are the wrong shapes and colors and your hair has too many split ends and maybe you should get a pair of these shoes while you’re at it and you should smell like this and you should definitely watch this movie and read that book on some electronic device and join that club…

I refuse to believe it anymore. I refuse to put up with it. I refuse to sit passively by while these things are shouted at me.

Change doesn’t happen over night. That is my excuse. One little step at a time, they say. But you don’t learn to swim by putting one toe in at a time.

So let’s go. I want to do this.

This is not meant to be depressing. I had these thoughts meandering about in my head and I had to get them out. And what better time to force them out than late at night? Everything here is my opinion, so please no one be offended. (It does make me slightly sad that I have to write this, but oh well.)

Jumbled

for the first time in my life, I have what I want. truly.

and then other things get thrown in, and they mean nothing to me. I feel as if I should want them, feel as if I should care, but I really don't.

and then I'm stuck, between being distracted, and loving what I have, and wondering what is good and what is better, and what is not as good.

I always thought this would be the arrival, but there is still so long to go.

every part of me wants only Jesus. My heart, my mind, my soul, my imagination, every part of me wants only Jesus. And society is taunting me. It's not temptation, I don't WANT it! But the values and thoughts of the world are trying so hard to convince me otherwise.

Stop distracting me! I have what I want!

reasons, I want my reasons to be faith. to be loyalty.

something M told me

My sister told me that her friend (who is 40 and single) told her (confusing, I know) that G might never take away the desire to get married, so we have to depend on Him.

My first response is that it's not fair at all! People who get married don't have to deal with something like that! But then, they have other things to deal with. It's probably not fair, but it'll be a grand adventure with my G either way.

whoooo boy. Ok G, I'm ready for this adventure. (Or, I think I am. Probably I'm not. will You prepare me? :) )