Already

I decided I better keep a log of all the stuff going on so I remember.

I wrote a piece (essay? ramble?) early early Friday morning, about how I don't want to gush about myself on job applications, about how I don't want to get a job by playing society's rules. How I wanted to be able to bust out the human trafficking facts, to ask them questions. To not have to lie about myself or inflate the truth in order to get a job.

Friday afternoon I walked into that store and they didn't have any applications. I got hired. I got to tell the manager about human trafficking in Toledo. He was really interested. I think that's why he hired me. He didn't ask me any questions where I had to make up answers molded for the questions. He simply asked, "what do you like about pizza?" and then about my major.

Friday morning (more like Thursday night) I told G I wasn't playing by society's rules. Friday afternoon, He gave me a job.

YAY!!

and then I panicked. I've known I'm believing some nasty lies for years, and I know that I'm afraid of most things. I had been asking G to reveal those to me. Getting a job made my fear explode. I knew it would happen. I'm also struggling with loneliness. I know the cause though. It's not the way G wants me to live. I'm realizing more and more and more that the person I am inside can't get out because I'm so afraid. And I'm realizing more and more and more that if I could stop being afraid, my life would change so much.

Already, I'm seeing G start to do big things. Freshman year was stretching, sophomore year I learned a lot lot lot and He started setting me free (or I finally started receiving what He has). I've been over it all before. My head knows. My heart ignores.

This summer is going to be big. One week, and it already has been.

This morning I renounced the loneliness. The fear is harder to step away from, because I've been sitting in it for as long as I can remember.

It's the actions that make you bold, not the feelings. It's a choice to be courageous. And if we're called to trust G, then this is pretty blatantly disobedience.

Already I have realized so much. Already He's showing me truth.

(yeah, I'm pretty excited for what this summer holds.)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)