Your rain.
splashed this windowsill
next to my ear
and whispered rhythm beats
in the trees.
Your sun.
popped gleefully
out of the clouds
and spread Your love
over my face
and my stretched out knees.
then it slid behind
these bricks
and the rain tucked itself
back into clouds.
Your girl.
walked down stairs
to take a final exam
she would probably fail,
but You.
love her so much more.
5/1/12
stream of consciousness. it felt good.
That boy wanted to meet me but stayed away. Either because he was shy, or knew he wasn't allowed. I respect both of those things.
I have orange juice on my hands. thinking about "Oranges" by Gary Soto.
listening to a song about rain, sitting under plexiglass or something, listening to real rain.
I like rain because nature likes it. As I walked over here a bird was singing. It made my heart grin.
I've stopped worrying about it. (boy) It's a conscious choice not to worry. I trust God, and anyway, I can't do anything about it over the summer.
I've calmed about that too. Six weeks in a town that is no longer home, and then eight on an adventure, one at home, and back to school. It is hard to go home, to let go of my independence and be away from my community and keep my schedule of things productive.
On facebook I was told to get a coke, to help me study, so I did. $1.50 of real money and c 69 (no cents symbol, sadness) of meal plan. A coke and an orange. I don't drink soda much, not being a huge fan of carbonation, but once in a while, I enjoy the bittersweet taste of syrup and caffeine, gross as it is.
It is my rebellion- this harmless-in-small-doses poison.
I need to study but I do not know how.
There is a child downstairs crying.
Rain.
I'm writing in cursive.
All of this is soothing.
Two tests ago, I sat here when it was over and wrote a poem about fruit picking, a simple life with no television.
I'm an idealist. I hope I never give that up.
Soda makes me burp through my nose. It's rather inconvenient.
I'm watching rain drops collide with the windowsill.
No music in my ears, orange dust and sticky juice on my fingers.
A quiet existence,
simple,
content,
and EXCITED. but a quiet, assured sort of excitement, not a IHAVETOSHARETHISWITHTHEWORLDRIGHTNOW sort of excitement. (today, anyway.)
I have great friends.
The sky is beautiful. I think the sunset will be gold tonight.
Once this school year, I sat in the union on the third floor when the sunset was gold and thought how I wanted to be the sunset, and then marveled at how God loves me MORE than the sunset.
I love these people. I still ache for wilderness, but it is the people... I can't be a hobo and live in the woods. There are days... but I LOVE these people!
and then the sun burst forth and spread gold all over my face and legs and it was lovely.
I have orange juice on my hands. thinking about "Oranges" by Gary Soto.
listening to a song about rain, sitting under plexiglass or something, listening to real rain.
I like rain because nature likes it. As I walked over here a bird was singing. It made my heart grin.
I've stopped worrying about it. (boy) It's a conscious choice not to worry. I trust God, and anyway, I can't do anything about it over the summer.
I've calmed about that too. Six weeks in a town that is no longer home, and then eight on an adventure, one at home, and back to school. It is hard to go home, to let go of my independence and be away from my community and keep my schedule of things productive.
On facebook I was told to get a coke, to help me study, so I did. $1.50 of real money and c 69 (no cents symbol, sadness) of meal plan. A coke and an orange. I don't drink soda much, not being a huge fan of carbonation, but once in a while, I enjoy the bittersweet taste of syrup and caffeine, gross as it is.
It is my rebellion- this harmless-in-small-doses poison.
I need to study but I do not know how.
There is a child downstairs crying.
Rain.
I'm writing in cursive.
All of this is soothing.
Two tests ago, I sat here when it was over and wrote a poem about fruit picking, a simple life with no television.
I'm an idealist. I hope I never give that up.
Soda makes me burp through my nose. It's rather inconvenient.
I'm watching rain drops collide with the windowsill.
No music in my ears, orange dust and sticky juice on my fingers.
A quiet existence,
simple,
content,
and EXCITED. but a quiet, assured sort of excitement, not a IHAVETOSHARETHISWITHTHEWORLDRIGHTNOW sort of excitement. (today, anyway.)
I have great friends.
The sky is beautiful. I think the sunset will be gold tonight.
Once this school year, I sat in the union on the third floor when the sunset was gold and thought how I wanted to be the sunset, and then marveled at how God loves me MORE than the sunset.
I love these people. I still ache for wilderness, but it is the people... I can't be a hobo and live in the woods. There are days... but I LOVE these people!
and then the sun burst forth and spread gold all over my face and legs and it was lovely.
glimmers of reality
This is a lonely week. But God has provided people for me every time I need them.
A few hours ago I spontaneously saw my friend Amber while lunching. I went to sit with her and she asked me what she should read. (um, best question EVER- okay not true, but close) So I ran to my room and got Captivating for her to borrow. And then while we were giggling with joy about it, I got a little glimmer of reality. Of life.
Sometimes I get tricked into thinking that I'm wasting my life. Sometimes I worry about what I'm going to do next. After college. Sometimes I get discouraged because it seems I'm going to be here for five years. I worry, I worry, I worry. I often think that my life hasn't really started yet, hasn't been useful.
But sometimes, like today, I get glimpses of A, what I want to do, and B, what I am already doing. They are very similar. And sitting with my friend, I just realized that YES. I am living now, I don't have to wait for later.
It's these seemingly small things that are important. Being with friends and encouraging each other, listening to each other, sharing joy, sharing food, sharing gifts. Adoring Jesus, falling off the sidewalk because the sky is too stunning to stop looking at, puddle jumping in His rain.
Because who are we to say what is small? Even a peanut is large to an ant.
I love days like this, when I get to be with friends, and realize something delightful, like I am already being successful.
(There's a long way to go, for sure, life is a process. I mess up every day. But still. Still. God is using my small life.)
A few hours ago I spontaneously saw my friend Amber while lunching. I went to sit with her and she asked me what she should read. (um, best question EVER- okay not true, but close) So I ran to my room and got Captivating for her to borrow. And then while we were giggling with joy about it, I got a little glimmer of reality. Of life.
Sometimes I get tricked into thinking that I'm wasting my life. Sometimes I worry about what I'm going to do next. After college. Sometimes I get discouraged because it seems I'm going to be here for five years. I worry, I worry, I worry. I often think that my life hasn't really started yet, hasn't been useful.
But sometimes, like today, I get glimpses of A, what I want to do, and B, what I am already doing. They are very similar. And sitting with my friend, I just realized that YES. I am living now, I don't have to wait for later.
It's these seemingly small things that are important. Being with friends and encouraging each other, listening to each other, sharing joy, sharing food, sharing gifts. Adoring Jesus, falling off the sidewalk because the sky is too stunning to stop looking at, puddle jumping in His rain.
Because who are we to say what is small? Even a peanut is large to an ant.
I love days like this, when I get to be with friends, and realize something delightful, like I am already being successful.
(There's a long way to go, for sure, life is a process. I mess up every day. But still. Still. God is using my small life.)
4/28/12
I do not think I slept at all last night.
My dreams were too entwined with reality.
I would dream, and then wake up and think about the dream, and think about reality. And then it would happen again.
I saw so many hours on my alarm clock.
I was awake before the birds.
and then before the rain.
I got up at 8:30.
and now it is 3, and I am so exhausted.
much to do
but ineedanapithink.
so much to think about.
like how to wait for something you didn't want in the first place
or maybe you did
or would be content without
befuddlements and restoration
and trusting.
{don'truleitout
wheniletthem}
My dreams were too entwined with reality.
I would dream, and then wake up and think about the dream, and think about reality. And then it would happen again.
I saw so many hours on my alarm clock.
I was awake before the birds.
and then before the rain.
I got up at 8:30.
and now it is 3, and I am so exhausted.
much to do
but ineedanapithink.
so much to think about.
like how to wait for something you didn't want in the first place
or maybe you did
or would be content without
befuddlements and restoration
and trusting.
{don'truleitout
wheniletthem}
4/25/12
I finally understand.
This is the hardest and the most amazing. (actually, it is probably neither of these things. but it is really hard and really wonderful.)
I understand Jesus being my "Hallelujah all I have is Christ!" I understand the joy that comes with that.
My identity is found in Jesus Christ. But there are definitely still things I hold too closely to. But when those things are removed, I realize I am still happy, still joyful, still full, still whole.
I just lost a friend. (meaning my friend decided to abandon the friendship)
Jesus asked me to cut my hair in September.
My math grade is horrible. I'll probably have to retake the class.
But I am still full. My heart is content. I have everything I need.
Sure, in the scheme of eternity these are small things. But they are big things in my heart and they are things God is using to draw me to Him.
The greatest struggle and the most amazing.
This is the hardest and the most amazing. (actually, it is probably neither of these things. but it is really hard and really wonderful.)
I understand Jesus being my "Hallelujah all I have is Christ!" I understand the joy that comes with that.
My identity is found in Jesus Christ. But there are definitely still things I hold too closely to. But when those things are removed, I realize I am still happy, still joyful, still full, still whole.
I just lost a friend. (meaning my friend decided to abandon the friendship)
Jesus asked me to cut my hair in September.
My math grade is horrible. I'll probably have to retake the class.
But I am still full. My heart is content. I have everything I need.
Sure, in the scheme of eternity these are small things. But they are big things in my heart and they are things God is using to draw me to Him.
The greatest struggle and the most amazing.
On losing a friend
If I think about it for any amount of time I start to get angry. I get angry at him, I get angry at you.
Every time I see you my heart aches. I want so badly to wave my arms and yell your name and smile. and then I realize... and then I become angry, and want to scream at you. I want to corner you and demand that we talk about it. and then my heart aches again, and I realize God doesn't want me to be angry with you. It's not you. The battle is not mine, and definitely not against you. not against flesh and blood.
My heart hurts for you.
I know too much about you for this to possibly hurt me in the way you aimed it to,
but I do hurt.
I hurt because you are blind.
because you're not fighting.
because you know the cure and you're not asking for it.
I don't understand why you refused to talk to me. That hurts more than anything. You won't even tell me what's wrong. You know I'd listen.
But even that, I know deep down inside, it's not you, it's just a sign you're not doing so well in your battle. I can't fight it for you. No one can, but Jesus. and I think you have to ask Him to.
I knew for a while you might someday decide you don't like me anymore, because I've chosen to live for Jesus, not you. but I did not expect it to be so sudden.
I'm not hurt for me.
I'm hurt for you.
You're beautiful and valuable and you have so much potential, just waiting, waiting to explode into the wonderful person you are. But you're choosing not to believe truth.
That hurts more than anything else.
I'm worried.
I wrote three pages in my notebook.
You know that saying, "you can run, but you can't hide." ? Well, you're running, but I can still see you, clear as day, and I can still see that your heart is broken.
I know the real you would still be my friend.
I know this is not an attack against me.
I think you're afraid to talk to me.
I do not need you. My heart is content. Actually my heart is quite happy, very excited. But it aches too. It aches for you. I do not think this is what you intended. I will always choose God, my friend. Even if it means you will be angry with me.
Friendships were not supposed to break like this.
Not like this.
I thought we were sisters.
You're not the first to abandon a friendship with me, and you probably won't be the last. The world is broken. I need to remember not to be angry.
I will be fine. I am content. I have everything I need.
I'm so happy, so excited.
I'm aching for you.
and if I think too much, the anger wells up.
but it shouldn't be for you.
you're the broken one.
you're the one who needs.
you're the one who is blind.
Oh how I ache to call you friend again.
In a week we'll both be gone.
Oh how I ache to call you sister.
Every time I see you my heart aches. I want so badly to wave my arms and yell your name and smile. and then I realize... and then I become angry, and want to scream at you. I want to corner you and demand that we talk about it. and then my heart aches again, and I realize God doesn't want me to be angry with you. It's not you. The battle is not mine, and definitely not against you. not against flesh and blood.
My heart hurts for you.
I know too much about you for this to possibly hurt me in the way you aimed it to,
but I do hurt.
I hurt because you are blind.
because you're not fighting.
because you know the cure and you're not asking for it.
I don't understand why you refused to talk to me. That hurts more than anything. You won't even tell me what's wrong. You know I'd listen.
But even that, I know deep down inside, it's not you, it's just a sign you're not doing so well in your battle. I can't fight it for you. No one can, but Jesus. and I think you have to ask Him to.
I knew for a while you might someday decide you don't like me anymore, because I've chosen to live for Jesus, not you. but I did not expect it to be so sudden.
I'm not hurt for me.
I'm hurt for you.
You're beautiful and valuable and you have so much potential, just waiting, waiting to explode into the wonderful person you are. But you're choosing not to believe truth.
That hurts more than anything else.
I'm worried.
I wrote three pages in my notebook.
You know that saying, "you can run, but you can't hide." ? Well, you're running, but I can still see you, clear as day, and I can still see that your heart is broken.
I know the real you would still be my friend.
I know this is not an attack against me.
I think you're afraid to talk to me.
I do not need you. My heart is content. Actually my heart is quite happy, very excited. But it aches too. It aches for you. I do not think this is what you intended. I will always choose God, my friend. Even if it means you will be angry with me.
Friendships were not supposed to break like this.
Not like this.
I thought we were sisters.
You're not the first to abandon a friendship with me, and you probably won't be the last. The world is broken. I need to remember not to be angry.
I will be fine. I am content. I have everything I need.
I'm so happy, so excited.
I'm aching for you.
and if I think too much, the anger wells up.
but it shouldn't be for you.
you're the broken one.
you're the one who needs.
you're the one who is blind.
Oh how I ache to call you friend again.
In a week we'll both be gone.
Oh how I ache to call you sister.
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