On losing a friend

If I think about it for any amount of time I start to get angry. I get angry at him, I get angry at you.

Every time I see you my heart aches. I want so badly to wave my arms and yell your name and smile. and then I realize... and then I become angry, and want to scream at you. I want to corner you and demand that we talk about it. and then my heart aches again, and I realize God doesn't want me to be angry with you. It's not you. The battle is not mine, and definitely not against you. not against flesh and blood.

My heart hurts for you.

I know too much about you for this to possibly hurt me in the way you aimed it to,
but I do hurt.
I hurt because you are blind.
because you're not fighting.
because you know the cure and you're not asking for it.

I don't understand why you refused to talk to me. That hurts more than anything. You won't even tell me what's wrong. You know I'd listen.

But even that, I know deep down inside, it's not you, it's just a sign you're not doing so well in your battle. I can't fight it for you. No one can, but Jesus. and I think you have to ask Him to.

I knew for a while you might someday decide you don't like me anymore, because I've chosen to live for Jesus, not you. but I did not expect it to be so sudden.

I'm not hurt for me.
I'm hurt for you.

You're beautiful and valuable and you have so much potential, just waiting, waiting to explode into the wonderful person you are. But you're choosing not to believe truth.

That hurts more than anything else.

I'm worried.

I wrote three pages in my notebook.

You know that saying, "you can run, but you can't hide." ? Well, you're running, but I can still see you, clear as day, and I can still see that your heart is broken.

I know the real you would still be my friend.
I know this is not an attack against me.
I think you're afraid to talk to me.

I do not need you. My heart is content. Actually my heart is quite happy, very excited. But it aches too. It aches for you. I do not think this is what you intended. I will always choose God, my friend. Even if it means you will be angry with me.

Friendships were not supposed to break like this.
Not like this.

I thought we were sisters.

You're not the first to abandon a friendship with me, and you probably won't be the last. The world is broken. I need to remember not to be angry.

I will be fine. I am content. I have everything I need.

I'm so happy, so excited.
I'm aching for you.
and if I think too much, the anger wells up.

but it shouldn't be for you.
you're the broken one.
you're the one who needs.
you're the one who is blind.

Oh how I ache to call you friend again.

In a week we'll both be gone.

Oh how I ache to call you sister.