Already

I decided I better keep a log of all the stuff going on so I remember.

I wrote a piece (essay? ramble?) early early Friday morning, about how I don't want to gush about myself on job applications, about how I don't want to get a job by playing society's rules. How I wanted to be able to bust out the human trafficking facts, to ask them questions. To not have to lie about myself or inflate the truth in order to get a job.

Friday afternoon I walked into that store and they didn't have any applications. I got hired. I got to tell the manager about human trafficking in Toledo. He was really interested. I think that's why he hired me. He didn't ask me any questions where I had to make up answers molded for the questions. He simply asked, "what do you like about pizza?" and then about my major.

Friday morning (more like Thursday night) I told G I wasn't playing by society's rules. Friday afternoon, He gave me a job.

YAY!!

and then I panicked. I've known I'm believing some nasty lies for years, and I know that I'm afraid of most things. I had been asking G to reveal those to me. Getting a job made my fear explode. I knew it would happen. I'm also struggling with loneliness. I know the cause though. It's not the way G wants me to live. I'm realizing more and more and more that the person I am inside can't get out because I'm so afraid. And I'm realizing more and more and more that if I could stop being afraid, my life would change so much.

Already, I'm seeing G start to do big things. Freshman year was stretching, sophomore year I learned a lot lot lot and He started setting me free (or I finally started receiving what He has). I've been over it all before. My head knows. My heart ignores.

This summer is going to be big. One week, and it already has been.

This morning I renounced the loneliness. The fear is harder to step away from, because I've been sitting in it for as long as I can remember.

It's the actions that make you bold, not the feelings. It's a choice to be courageous. And if we're called to trust G, then this is pretty blatantly disobedience.

Already I have realized so much. Already He's showing me truth.

(yeah, I'm pretty excited for what this summer holds.)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

today

Today was good. Church was good, then skype with a sister, then I got a few layers in my hair (no use for a picture, you wouldn't be able to tell) and then Mama and I made no bake cookies. yummy. And then I got to talk to a friend from the Beeg. :) I finished the book I was reading, and started another one.

Cookies!

I have now worked 9 1/2 hours at that little pizza place. The first time was absolutely awful. (see previous post.) The second time it was a LOT better. It was just the manager, and another guy, and me. MUCH more chill. It was terrifying of course, and got a bit busy around lunch and at the end of my shift. I can see myself getting used to working in the back, but probably not in the front. I don't know. I think that's someone talking. Not welcome in my head. I know big J gave me this job. I'm tired of feeling panicky about it. I don't want this job to make me miserable. The adrenaline kicks in all right when I'm there, but when I'm home I have nightmares about it, I worry about it, I just panic the whole time. I would so much rather trust big J...

Also, G is rumbling. Can you feel the mountains tremble? ;) We're waking up. The Ch is waking up in America. (I believe.)

And it all makes sense. Waking up, so of course there's gonna be a lonely hit, a you're-not-good-enough for this job hit, a you-can't-change hit. of course.

Have a good Monday y'all!

job

I got a job. My first ever "official" job. I walked into Little Caesars just wanting an application, and came out about an hour later with a job. They didn't have any applications, but the girl behind the counter told me I could talk to the manager. While waiting for him to come out, a guy walked in and also asked for an application. "We don't have any." She said. Said maybe there are some online. (I've checked. There aren't.) Then he asked if they were hiring and she said no. Then the manager came out and took down some random info on the back of a book of receipts. "What do you like about pizza?" He asked me. (Easiest interview ever) Of course he wanted to know why I've never had a job before, and then asked what I'm studying, and then we had a conversation about human trafficking. He was shocked to learn that Toledo is the number four city for trafficking. Then he went to the back for awhile. When he came back, he tested my pizza making abilities. (yeah, failed that miserably. It's harder than it looks.) Then he asked if I could work tonight. At four. (It was then three.) So I got a job, and worked my first shift. And failed miserably. I did cash register for four and a half hours and messed up everyone's orders. It was awful. But I am choosing to trust that God wants me in this job. I am choosing to trust that it will get better. I am choosing to be grateful for the work. Even if I do get fired, I'm wealthier than I was this morning. (Or am, in theory, guess I don't actually have the money yet.) Tomorrow (today, technically) I work 11 to 4, supposedly I'll be learning how to work in the back, making pizzas I think. Supposedly it will be less busy. And then I'm supposed to have Sunday and Monday off. That will be nice. I feel better about sitting around now. So yeah. I have a job, for now, and I feel like an idiot. (But it's my first day, isn't that the way I'm supposed to feel?) (I hope?)

Happy Saturday!

garden

Have you ever read this book?

If you haven't, you need to go to your library and read it. It's a great book! You'll love it.

I'm starting the garden this year and every time I think about it I think about "How My Library Grew." I'm not going to make a story about it, but I do think I'll post pictures. :)

So, this is the beginning:

This summer is going to change my life.

(Or maybe the school year did the grunt work. Maybe this is when my life becomes.)

being

Over and over and over I see it. I write things that I don't mean to sound good. I don't edit them, I write them because if I don't I'll explode. Figuratively, of course. (I hope!) And over and over, people say they love them. Apparently the ornery bits about me, the parts that bust to get out because they don't fit in society, apparently those parts resonate with people. Apparently G has put them in my heart for a reason. He obviously picks perfect times to make me write them down.

If I truly lived like I write... the people who love me would back me up. And anyways, "soldiers don't get tied up in affairs of civilian life, for they cannot please the officer who enlisted them." 2 tim 2:4

things I feel I must say so I do not implode.

1. Being a girl in America is the hardest thing ever. Ok that's not true. It's much harder being a girl in other places. But it's still pretty hard. I have a good family. I was taught right. I know my value. But it's even hard for me. Often when girls are together they talk about how they look, their hair, their clothes, they claim they look bad. Always unsure. Always looking for affirmation. Quite honestly, I'm tired of giving it. Your hair looks fine. Stop comparing yourself. I'm probably the last person you should ask about it anyway. Everyday is a fight. Society sends us mixed messages. The guys certainly don't help. I'm one of lucky ones. I have it easy. And wow. Some of the stuff I still believe.

Society's measures of beauty are total crap. In one ear they whisper, "be yourself" and in the other, "look pretty." Well, society, if you ask me to describe myself, "pretty" isn't a word I use. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm beautiful, I just also think there are better and more enjoyable things to do with my time than try to be pretty. (It's lovely, yes, once in a while, but everyday? Fine if you do, but nooo thanks for me.) I'd rather describe myself with other words.

What is "pretty" anyway? Having perfect skin, teeth, hair? Being tan in the summer? Well, I'm already out. Or did we put those requirements on ourselves? --Though society sure doesn't help. I'm tired of the quest to be "pretty." What ever happened to the quest to be beautiful? To the way we act not the clothes we wear or the way we paint our faces. Did we forget that quest? Give it up? Is it "easier" to just surrender and buy the products to be "pretty?" Or did so few of us ever begin that quest to begin with?

2. Technology is ruining us. (Among other things) Dude, a laptop is not an acceptable dinner buddy. You can't put it away for twenty minutes? Eat with me! I have fun questions! ...Really? You're going to look down at your phone when I pass so you don't have to make eye contact? Does anyone want to have a conversation with me?

3. I don't want to be professional. I want to be personable. I don't want to gush about all my great qualities on a job application.

4. I want to make cookies for strangers and hand out wildflowers and balloons. I want to dance instead of walk and giggle at the wind and wave to everyone. I want to walk until I find someone alone to talk to. I want to dance and jump in church. I want time to not run our days, especially not our time for God. I want to walk up to people and tell them truth. I want to be myself without explanation. I want to speak my opinion without backing down, without being the weird one.

5. I want silence.

6. I want to scream at you that you're ENOUGH. You're valuable, you're loved. You don't have to be empty. I want to scream at you, "Why don't you listen?!" I want you to listen to me, the things my heart wants out that my mouth has no words for.

7. I want some ice cream and a blue sky.

8. I want to be finished with this waiting. I want You to fix it as something You want, not something I want, but oh, I want.

9. I want to run. Into the non-existent hills and trees. (non-existent til saturday) and not get tired.

10. I want you to remember who you were before you heard you're not good enough and believed it. I want to meet you then.

11. I want to live like I write. The thing is, people often like the ideas on paper, but wouldn't want to actually take part in them.

12. Let's have a picnic feast. Let's invite everyone and sit on the grass and have food and drinks. Let's play frisbee and bask in the sun. Let's be idealistic.

13. Let's listen to the rain and the birds. Let's take a road trip. Let's skip.

14. Wanna be penpals?

15. Basically, I wanna let all these beautiful ideas explode into action. Even if my picnic is alone and the ones with the laptops ignore me.