I wish people would dance places instead of walk. I wish we had little bubbles over our heads that said what we were listening to. You could tell so much about a person's mood from how they danced places.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1x8DMfbYN4

poem, so far untitled

girl crickets

don't sing.

girl birds

are brown.

girl lions

don't have regal hair.

we wish we could be like crickets,

content

to just be.

without the red feathers.

we wish it

wasn't

expected

of us

to be

those bright colors,

performing tricks,

singing songs.

girl ducks

are plain

and their

value

is still quite

apparent.

we wish

our value

was

recognized,

seen.

some

of us

have

forgotten

it

ourselves.

and have

forgotten

that

plain

is often

more beautiful

than sharp,

red,

feathers.

Can you spare nine minutes? If you can, put your stuff down, close your eyes or zone off into space, and listen to this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dP0-Lr8VxQ

What does it sound like to you today?

Today, it sounds like this to me:

beautiful

unsure

loneliness

desperation

and a wisp of determination and frustration coming in at 3 minutes.

and then hope at 3:28 ish

hope hope hope crescendo until 3:53

and then at 4 minutes it explodes.

beautiful hope frustration determination empty rain beautiful

beautiful.

6:00 lovely and powerful

calling out, running

promise hope determination

7:00 running running running

chasing down the emptiness

determined

going going going

where you are.

hope

hope

hope

beautiful

lonely

empty

desperate

coming.

hope.

I don't know why, but copying/pasting anything in here makes it smash together. blarg! so this should be more spaced out. but whatever.

Eggs

Today, I stuffed colorful, plastic eggs, and then "hid" them.

Personally, I think this practice is ridiculous. I think it cheapens the meaning of Easter. But I was at someone else's house, and they were doing an egg hunt. So I helped. I was having a hard time not being grumpy in my heart about it.

But it was soggy outside, and it looked so much like spring. I was bending down to put eggs in bushes and next to rocks and I could just smell spring down there in the dirt. Too often I conform to societal norms and don't go sit in the mud and run my fingers through the soggy spring dirt. In that sense, eggs were redeemed.

Still, I would never choose to do egg hunts, and if I ever have kids, which is I highly doubt will happen, they will NOT partake in any "Easter" activities which draw away from Jesus.

My stance is the same, but I can appreciate putting your hands in the dirt for some plastic colorful egg, if only to smell the spring.

Also, my spring bag had its debut today!

it's a beautiful day!

I feel powerful today. Beautiful, and feminine, and powerful.

The more correct term might be capable. Able. Enough. Today I feel like I am enough. It is similar to the feeling I get after I finish a good book. Except I haven’t finished any new books lately.

You have experiences that remind you that you can do this life thing, and succeed in it. Yesterday was scary. (no details, sorry) But it was just another life experience, another bonding experience, another show of God’s grace, reminding me of what real community is and what wonderful friends I have.

A few years ago I went to India. I was with my family, but it still felt like an accomplishment. Just little pieces about being there made me feel like I could do anything. India wasn’t my first trip out of the country, but some of the things I saw there were different from anything else. (I mean, I saw things in Russia that I had never seen before too, but India was a whole different animal from anything before.) India is beautiful. The nature is breathtaking. The culture was colorful- literally. Of course there were things I didn’t like about India, there are tons of things I don’t like about America, and I live here. But some of my experiences there gave me the same sort of feeling when I came home. I can do life here. I am capable of it.

Then I went to Mexico without my parents. It was just four of us girls flying down there for a week before the big group came. That wasn’t hard (except for the Houston airport.. haha) but it was another of those small accomplishments.

And then there was the taxi ride through Turkey in the wee hours of the morning, and getting stuck in a small airport in southern Russia.

For none of these experiences was I alone, but they still helped teach me of my capabilities, especially in community.

Taking care of injured people, bold eye contact, listening to people talk about their fragility…

These two years of college haven’t been delightful. They haven’t been particularly fun. There have been great, wonderful, fun bits, and they come often, but they’ve generally been much more eye opening than fun.

This year and last year have been so different, but they run around the same themes. The broken, emptiness of people. Last night, Lara said something like, “for a top predator, humans are so fragile.” so true. Such different experiences, but so transforming. And today, I feel powerful. capable.

I can’t really explain, but I want to.

I want to spend my life helping girls. America is ruining its girls. That fact is always on my mind. I’m always thinking about how people are, and how people should be.

Some days, I feel like I’ve grasped it. Some days I feel like I can see myself a bit more clearly. Some days, like today, I know, and feel that I am enough. That I am a girl of America, and I’ve made it through. And I have hope. That I can share. Some days, I’ve got it.

Today, I feel powerful and feminine, and enough.

God is so good. He's always with me, but some days His presence feels almost tangible. Some days my heart actually hears that I'm enough and loved and beautiful. Days like today.

Terrific Tuesday!

Today was terrific!

But I'll have to start with last night. I really needed to go to bed but my friend Emily wanted to talk so I talked to her instead of sleeping. (2 hours, not all night, but I only got five hours of sleep) But it was totally worth it. We talked and prayed and it was wonderful.

So then this morning I woke up late, of course, but was still really happy about last night. I even had encouraging dreams. So then my bio lab got out really early so I got alone, quiet time with J!! That was so good.

I smiled at people a lot today. I stare at them till they look and then I smile until they smile back. Sometimes it takes a while. It's a good practice for me cause somehow I pass a ton of guys. Talking with, smiling at girls is easy peasy for me, but guys... practicing.

Then in Contemporary Poetry we had another good conversation about changing America. One guy said, "Someone needs to set off a bomb. So to speak." I LOVED that!

Then I took a twenty minute nap and almost skipped swing. But I went and it was wonderful! We danced a lot, and learned new stuff, and got better at old stuff, and met new people! really really good. And there was new music from the usual and there was some J music stuck in there. SO FUN dancing to music written for J!

Then, they were going to drive back, but I would rather walk. Plus, I already smashed a finger in that car's door so I didn't really want to get in there again. haha. But then I wondered if I could beat them back. Walking through campus is more of a straight shot than taking the roads. So I ran from the Union to the dorm. hahaha. I am SO out of shape!! But it was super fun sprinting through campus. Zombies/Humans were out, and getting ready for their battle tonight. And there I was, hurtling through campus. It was fantastically fun! AND I BEAT THEM! (The car I mean, not the zombies)

Swing dancing felt kind of transformative tonight. I'm trying to put into practice these things I KNOW but don't really believe in my heart, and it was so good having that music behind it tonight. I'm excited. I'm realizing a lot about myself and people in general. yeah. I don't really know what else to say about that. It's impossible to explain. Stuff's happening though. I'm waking up. :)

GOOD DAY because GOD IS GOOD!

What I want to say

"What are you listening to?"