Five Minute Friday: we write for five minutes flat, without worrying or editing. Just letting our words be.
Today's word is gift.
I eat cocoa puffs out of a cup. I pour milk in a little at a time so it won't spill out. I had breakfast already with a friend, this is my extra gift. It's friday, so that means I have a gift of a weekend, a few nights to do what I want, a morning to sleep later than 8. I have a friend who read the 1000 gifts book and started a facebook group for us to share our gratefulness. I've been thinking about gifts a lot lately, and all the ways God has blessed me, freely, delightfully. Like cocoa puffs, and friends who wave at me when I see them on the street, and beautiful music that makes my heart happy, and this cloudy day. I love cloudy days, but the sunrise was beautiful and gold too. And hot showers and surprises, even just walking off the side of the sidewalk. :) gifts gifts gifts. so many gifts. giddy. The colder temperatures, encouragement, humming, being alone for a bit before my busy day. this blog. these people around me. mmm it's the thirtieth.
3/30/12
3/28/12
fragile
today i am fragile.
like everything i am is going to come splooshing out.
i think that could be a good thing.
forcing me not to hide.
i have a math quiz. if i fail it, and probably even if i don't, i'm going to get a D in the class and i won't be able to move to the next class i need and i won't be able to graduate in 4.5 years. i'm pretty angrysaddisappointedfrustrated about this.
i'm discouraged
disheartened
insecure.
i don't feel good enough
and that is a
LIE.
i feel stupid.
unworthy.
every time i look at my math i cry.
i don't know what to do.
i don't want to give up,
and i want to give up more than anything.
it's frustrating to study for hours and hours and neglect other things and then still fail, miserably.
6.5 out of 20. on every quiz. and i TRY.
i'm not stupid
but i feel so much like i am.
(there's a post on incourage today that says she doesn't need whatever it is you were going to say. she just needs an Amen. me too. i know i'm not stupid. i just need an amen.)
like everything i am is going to come splooshing out.
i think that could be a good thing.
forcing me not to hide.
i have a math quiz. if i fail it, and probably even if i don't, i'm going to get a D in the class and i won't be able to move to the next class i need and i won't be able to graduate in 4.5 years. i'm pretty angrysaddisappointedfrustrated about this.
i'm discouraged
disheartened
insecure.
i don't feel good enough
and that is a
LIE.
i feel stupid.
unworthy.
every time i look at my math i cry.
i don't know what to do.
i don't want to give up,
and i want to give up more than anything.
it's frustrating to study for hours and hours and neglect other things and then still fail, miserably.
6.5 out of 20. on every quiz. and i TRY.
i'm not stupid
but i feel so much like i am.
(there's a post on incourage today that says she doesn't need whatever it is you were going to say. she just needs an Amen. me too. i know i'm not stupid. i just need an amen.)
3/27/12
not sad
Today is gorgeous.
beautiful.
stunning, and chilly, and spring, and windy.
beautiful.
stunning, and chilly, and spring, and windy.
Sometimes beautiful days make my heart sort of ache. Like that CS Lewis quote, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
― C.S. LewisToday I had an exam. I think I did well. It was actually kind of enjoyable, surprising.
Then I studied and read for school.
Then we prayed, together, and then I listened to Arielle play the piano. It was so beautiful.
Then English Club, which was really fun. We played catch phrase, the words were really hard, we laughed.
And then I walked back to my room, and the loneliness hit. School is really stressing me out today, and hormones, and it's all just not enjoyable. But even if I don't feel good, I know God is still in control. I know He won't abandon me. I know He delights in me.
Lots of things swirling in this heart of mine. Lots of things.
I want to be real on the internet and in real life, dear blog readers.
3/20/12
3/18/12
3/16/12
How I know I'm not truly living
I'm alive, and Jesus has given me life, but this is how I know I'm not truly receiving this incredible gift and using it.
There are people playing beautiful African drums in the park outside my window. They're pretty far away, but I can hear every beat. It's absolutely amazing. I almost want them to stop, because it almost hurts that I'm not living like that. I want to be part of something like that. I want to be the drum, the sunset, the beat. Take that poetically if you want. But I kind of mean it literally. When I used to drive through the woods for cello lessons, I thought about being in there, part of that nature, instead of being outside of it, forced to look in and try not to ruin it. I want to be part of that beauty, that life. I know I am, through Jesus, and I know when I get to Heaven to be with Him forever, that will be fully realized and I will become who I am completely. But for now, there is such an aching within me whenever I hear, see, feel, experience anything so beautiful, so full of life- like this music. I want so desperately to be a part of that life.
So I sit here, aching, because something stunningly gorgeous is happening outside, and I am stuck.
This isn't meant to be depressing at all. I know who I am. I am a daughter of the Most High King. I am content in that, and I am looking forward with expectancy to the life I am coming into, on this earth and off it.
I don't know if you've ever felt like I feel so often, this intense longing to be part of the sky, or the spring, or the drum beats. If you have, you understand. If you haven't, you don't, and that's okay. :)
Have a beautiful day!
There are people playing beautiful African drums in the park outside my window. They're pretty far away, but I can hear every beat. It's absolutely amazing. I almost want them to stop, because it almost hurts that I'm not living like that. I want to be part of something like that. I want to be the drum, the sunset, the beat. Take that poetically if you want. But I kind of mean it literally. When I used to drive through the woods for cello lessons, I thought about being in there, part of that nature, instead of being outside of it, forced to look in and try not to ruin it. I want to be part of that beauty, that life. I know I am, through Jesus, and I know when I get to Heaven to be with Him forever, that will be fully realized and I will become who I am completely. But for now, there is such an aching within me whenever I hear, see, feel, experience anything so beautiful, so full of life- like this music. I want so desperately to be a part of that life.
So I sit here, aching, because something stunningly gorgeous is happening outside, and I am stuck.
This isn't meant to be depressing at all. I know who I am. I am a daughter of the Most High King. I am content in that, and I am looking forward with expectancy to the life I am coming into, on this earth and off it.
I don't know if you've ever felt like I feel so often, this intense longing to be part of the sky, or the spring, or the drum beats. If you have, you understand. If you haven't, you don't, and that's okay. :)
Have a beautiful day!
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