Overwhelming (the sequel)

This is my culture. 

It is messed up, and it is mine. (I mean, on this earth, this is where I am.)

I can't keep taking the path of least resistance. I probably can't change the culture, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. It doesn't mean I should give up and live the way that is easiest. 

I'm struggling with the balance between being happy and excited for the beautiful day and the great things happening in my life, and being heart broken for those who do not know they are loved, for those who are hurt, for those who are persecuted... I know joy is not circumstantial, but today I feel happy. I don't have the words for this. I know what I'm trying to say. ;)

And here is where the overwhelming comes in.

I sit in my room, at this desk, doing homework and reading articles and watching dumb t.v. shows. I walk around campus and complain to myself about this, and this, and this. I worry about stupid things that don't matter. I calculate how much sleep I can get every night. I waste so much time. I'm not saying rest is a bad thing. I'm not saying homework is a bad thing. I am saying that I, personally, waste too much time. 

I sit, wasting time. And all over the world, my brothers and sisters are persecuted for loving Jesus. The One I want to love. All over the world, at all hours... my sisters and brothers are living in love and power, in desperation for the One, because they know what actually matters. Because they know that His life is the only life to live. 

I am thankful to be safe, to be comfortable, but I am not called to a different life than those of my brothers and sisters. The calling is the same. Being an American doesn't give me the right to be safe and comfortable. Not in God's Kingdom. 

It is overwhelming that He chose to put me here. That I have so many resources here and I'm not even looking for them. It is overwhelming that I am offered real life (no matter where I am). That I am offered true freedom. That I am offered joy, peace. 

It is overwhelming that my whole life has been easy. Compared to the struggles of the majority of the world, the majority of history, my life is easy. (You can't tell through my writing, but I am about to busticate. It's a good thing. I wish I could tell you all this in person so you could see the hand movements :) )

It is overwhelming that the creator of the universe, loves me. a lot. That He wants to be with me. That He delights in me. It's overwhelming to my little brain that He loves everyone the same, and everyone the most. That He gives me all of His attention and everyone else all His attention too. That He wants to be with me! And I usually don't respond. Of all the minutes in my day, most days, I give Him maybe twenty. And yet I am called to life. I am offered life. I am comfortable, and I forget my desperation. This comfort might be for now, but it's not my right. It's not guaranteed. It's not what I'm called to. Safety isn't what I'm offered.

it is overwhelming that right now we're all connected. That my family is growing and living and loving and battling. That I get to be a part of this family. That my family is all over the world right now loving Jesus, and I can live like that too, wherever I am. That this comfort isn't shared by everyone. That it is only for a moment. That for some reason He put me here, now. That He doesn't need me to be brilliant or brave or strong or good enough for what this world wants. It's overwhelming that what He wants is my love. It's overwhelming that so much more matters, more than these silly television shows and these silly opinions we have about this, and this, and this, and so much more than my silly complaints and so much more than sleep or academics or maintaining happiness. 

And I'm done saying if. If I lived like this... If I decided this... If I could just think or not think this... So let's go. Let's live like we are loved. Like we are offered life, even when it is hard. Even when it is dirty and uncomfortable. 

Overwhelmed.

Because I waste time that is given to me when I am offered life. When my family is being hurt and abused all around the world right now, and yet there is more than hurt. More than any of this. 

Overwhelmed.

Because Jesus loves me. Because it's not a human love and it's more beautiful than anything ever. 

Because it's really the only thing that matters, this great Love, and its message, this Kingdom, this family, this ability to have an intimate relationship with the God of the universe... 

Call me crazy if you like, it doesn't matter to me. I'm in love. and I'm overwhelmed.
(but it's a good overwhelmed)

glimpse

Sometimes I get a glimpse of my desires, the things I love.

I love this. I love sitting at my desk, alone, at night with my music and my books. I love being single. Whenever I imagine my future, I'm always alone. It's not a bad thing. I love it. But I think sometimes I get pulled into believing that I shouldn't like being single. Whenever I think about what I really want, my deepest desires, it's me, and Jesus. That's it. We're in fields or forests under blue skies or in the snow, and sometimes there is a waterfall. Sometimes I forget what I want. That is what I want.

I'm not ruling out a relationship, somewhere down the road. But I am truly content. I just forget, sometimes.

Noticing

awake.
sunshine.
clean, laundry.
church, lunch, sisters.
she compared me to a willow tree. out of the blue. it was kind. I wrote it down.

the best conversation. we are the three weirdest people. (everyone is the weirdest.)
food for my soul.

she said she doesn't know me that well. news to me. why does my vulnerability shrivel up in others' presences?

glorious day. blue. cold. crisp.
walking through the sunset.
music to my eyes, no music in my ears, quiet. wind. the plastic bag I carried.

being with people who wanted to be with each other. deep.
a gold pine-cone.
food.

the sky.
the moon, a half smile.

noticing the small things makes life more fun.
a plane over my head,
my shadow is walking faster than me.
on closer glance, he is wearing sweatpants, not khakis. I wonder where he is coming from.

thinking about praying.
thinking about that boy.

how I don't know what to think.

the shadows of her flowers on her illuminated blinds, second floor, I think.
the shadow of the tree on the brick dorm. orange street lights, and still the stars are brighter.

the man leaning over the chicken pot pie freezer like something was broken. like choosing was his hardest decision. that is just the way he was leaning.

the kind of things that must leave my head. no time to wait.

the sky...
awake.

Overwhelmed

I know all the "right" answers. 

My God did not call me to comfort. For some reason, He put me in America. There are so many resources here. Why am I not using them? Why am I not bold? 

My brain understands, and my heart desperately wants to leap and be His radical daughter, but somehow I am dragging. 

I don't know how to fix it. But I know that I am incredibly overwhelmed when I think of how I was chosen to live here, chosen to even exist. When I think of how my brothers and sisters all over the world are being persecuted for being my brothers and my sisters. When I think of how we are all part of one family. When I think of how I am not called to comfort. Even if I do live here now, it doesn't mean I get to live like I am part of this culture. It's overwhelming. 

It's overwhelming how I waste so much time. I waste time worrying, I waste time watching stupid tv shows, I waste time sleeping... 

And still, He loves me. Still, He loves spending time with me. Still, He gives me all of Himself. 

THAT is love. 

I'm not good at metaphors.

analogies,
symbols.

Five Minute Friday: Delight!

Every Friday, lots of bloggers write for five minutes flat- whatever comes to mind, and no editing. Then we link up together to encourage each other. This friday, the topic is delight. (Last week was trust and the literal sound from my mouth was "HA!" But just now, when I saw the word delight, my insides said, "SQUEE!" Here is the "official" place, the idea of it.

So, are you ready?
set,
go!

Delight! Now that is something I can write about. Sometimes I don't do Five Minute Fridays because the topics just remind me of ways I'm not succeeding. Lies, I know. But that's not the point. Today is about delight! About the blue sky and the gorgeous sunrise and sunset, each of which I got to walk in. Delight. About the spiritual conversations I was privileged to have today without even trying. They weren't life changers, well, I don't know I guess, but they were delightful. I was delighted to get to talk to each of those girls about spirituality, and share, even as I sounded crazy, that I love Jesus. I am in love with Jesus. That is delight. Standing in line for food in a public place- a university, telling my friend that I am in love with Jesus. It just came out. Delight is the simple things. Watching my friend get proposed to last night. Looking at the stars as I walked back to my room. Smiling. Running with a friend. Skipping. Learning a shortcut through a building that is notoriously maze-like. Giggling at something only Jesus understands. Realizing my soul is awake. Dreaming about pastel colors and a little boy. Dreaming about talking to people about Jesus. That is delight. de-light. Even the word sounds delightful in my mouth. I'm giddy right now. I suppose if I were sad I would have a different view of delight. But right now, delight is this day. All these beautiful- stop- things.

thanks for reading!
(colors and boldness added later. I think that's fair.)

seek

I'm learning that I need to seek people out. There are lonely people all over, and they're not hiding, but they're not out there passing out flyers that they're lonely either. 

I'm learning that truly, everyone- every one has a story.

I'm learning that people like to tell their stories, or at least pieces, and are much more willing to do so if you just ask.

I'm learning that God wants us to seek them out. Even if it is uncomfortable.