Overwhelming (the sequel)

This is my culture. 

It is messed up, and it is mine. (I mean, on this earth, this is where I am.)

I can't keep taking the path of least resistance. I probably can't change the culture, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. It doesn't mean I should give up and live the way that is easiest. 

I'm struggling with the balance between being happy and excited for the beautiful day and the great things happening in my life, and being heart broken for those who do not know they are loved, for those who are hurt, for those who are persecuted... I know joy is not circumstantial, but today I feel happy. I don't have the words for this. I know what I'm trying to say. ;)

And here is where the overwhelming comes in.

I sit in my room, at this desk, doing homework and reading articles and watching dumb t.v. shows. I walk around campus and complain to myself about this, and this, and this. I worry about stupid things that don't matter. I calculate how much sleep I can get every night. I waste so much time. I'm not saying rest is a bad thing. I'm not saying homework is a bad thing. I am saying that I, personally, waste too much time. 

I sit, wasting time. And all over the world, my brothers and sisters are persecuted for loving Jesus. The One I want to love. All over the world, at all hours... my sisters and brothers are living in love and power, in desperation for the One, because they know what actually matters. Because they know that His life is the only life to live. 

I am thankful to be safe, to be comfortable, but I am not called to a different life than those of my brothers and sisters. The calling is the same. Being an American doesn't give me the right to be safe and comfortable. Not in God's Kingdom. 

It is overwhelming that He chose to put me here. That I have so many resources here and I'm not even looking for them. It is overwhelming that I am offered real life (no matter where I am). That I am offered true freedom. That I am offered joy, peace. 

It is overwhelming that my whole life has been easy. Compared to the struggles of the majority of the world, the majority of history, my life is easy. (You can't tell through my writing, but I am about to busticate. It's a good thing. I wish I could tell you all this in person so you could see the hand movements :) )

It is overwhelming that the creator of the universe, loves me. a lot. That He wants to be with me. That He delights in me. It's overwhelming to my little brain that He loves everyone the same, and everyone the most. That He gives me all of His attention and everyone else all His attention too. That He wants to be with me! And I usually don't respond. Of all the minutes in my day, most days, I give Him maybe twenty. And yet I am called to life. I am offered life. I am comfortable, and I forget my desperation. This comfort might be for now, but it's not my right. It's not guaranteed. It's not what I'm called to. Safety isn't what I'm offered.

it is overwhelming that right now we're all connected. That my family is growing and living and loving and battling. That I get to be a part of this family. That my family is all over the world right now loving Jesus, and I can live like that too, wherever I am. That this comfort isn't shared by everyone. That it is only for a moment. That for some reason He put me here, now. That He doesn't need me to be brilliant or brave or strong or good enough for what this world wants. It's overwhelming that what He wants is my love. It's overwhelming that so much more matters, more than these silly television shows and these silly opinions we have about this, and this, and this, and so much more than my silly complaints and so much more than sleep or academics or maintaining happiness. 

And I'm done saying if. If I lived like this... If I decided this... If I could just think or not think this... So let's go. Let's live like we are loved. Like we are offered life, even when it is hard. Even when it is dirty and uncomfortable. 

Overwhelmed.

Because I waste time that is given to me when I am offered life. When my family is being hurt and abused all around the world right now, and yet there is more than hurt. More than any of this. 

Overwhelmed.

Because Jesus loves me. Because it's not a human love and it's more beautiful than anything ever. 

Because it's really the only thing that matters, this great Love, and its message, this Kingdom, this family, this ability to have an intimate relationship with the God of the universe... 

Call me crazy if you like, it doesn't matter to me. I'm in love. and I'm overwhelmed.
(but it's a good overwhelmed)