need

i wanna go meaningful and deep with people. past the weather, how tired we are, our school work. i want to get to what we need. what are you passionate about? what are your desires? what do you want to accomplish? tell me about your family. tell me about your inspirations. what did you want to be when you were a child? tell me about the best day of your life. what are you afraid of? what do you like about your best friend? what are three things you like about yourself? if you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? if you could change one thing about the world what would it be? do you feel valued in this place? do you feel like you are enough? what do you want? what would make you happy? if you had to live somewhere but not america or canada where would you live? what would make today great? tell me about one of your favorite books and why it is your favorite. tell me what you want in a friendship. describe what a great vacation would be. tell me about a time you felt appreciated. if you had a million dollars and couldn't spend it on yourself or your family, what would you do with it? what do you do when you feel lonely? tell me about the last time you felt completely understood. tell me about what kind of nature you like. tell me about someone you have lost. tell me about someone you never knew but wanted to. tell me about a pet. tell me about something that bothers you but not other people. tell me something you have always wanted to do but have been to afraid to. tell me how you're really doing today. tell me three good things about today. how do you express your happiness? how do you express your sadness? tell me about a time you did something and got made fun of for it. tell me about yourself.

do you like to swing? do you like to walk? do you want to do either of those things with me? how about lunch? would you have a meal with me? do you want to be friends?

bumble rumble

So I guess I have to change it. The culture. So I guess no one else is stepping up. I guess J doesn’t set us free so we can sit around and wait.

This is my forever! I’ll wear what I want! I’ll dance and skip when I want! I’ll be!

I had a great weekend. I didn’t really do any work… but I did more important things. J My friend T came to visit me, and then tonight I hung out with my swing friends.

Tomorrow is Monday and jam packed. But I’m trusting it to be a good jam packed. I added some things to my list of epic.

The Cinci zoo had a baby giraffe!

I’m realizing how crazy different I am from the culture and people in it. That’s a GOOD thing. I’m just saying, I’m noticing it more. Like, wow. Everything about me is different. I’m learning how to live with people who are clinging to the values and norms of the culture. (ok, not everything, but hanging out with people, I’m seeing the differences very clearly.) radical. (but how else is there to live?) the trick, I think, is learning how to respond to people who dislike it, whether that be out loud or in my heart.

Cause I am so done with status quo. It’s so boring. Money is so dull. Movies lie. Academics are not interesting. I don’t want to chase that crap.

Happy. Cause J is so so SO amazing. Cause I’m not called to a boring life. Cause I am radically different. J

Happy.

Happy.

Happy!

ready. set. go!

List of Epic

I have these two cool friends. They have a list of Epic things to do hanging on the wall in their living room. There is also a blogger I follow (but not officially), and she has a life to-do list on her blog. And I am going to make one. It's not a bucket list. It's just things I would like to do.

I have 25 so far. :)

1. fly in a hot air balloon (I’ve been in one before but it was tethered so it doesn’t count.)

2. get some poetry published

3. dance with a stranger in a park

4. give something sweet and sentimental to a stranger

5. live somewhere beautiful

6. visit the European countryside

7. go on a safari in Africa

8. be an extra in a movie

9. learn to paint

10.have a whole conversation on the phone with a stranger

11.bake bread by hand on a regular basis

12.have a conversation with a stranger on some sort of transportation vehicle.

13.twirl around in a field

14.watch sunrises regularly in summer and sunsets regularly in winter

15.learn to cook

16.garden

17 be able to do pull ups.

18.100 pushups

19.have lunch with a homeless person

20.pick wildflowers and give them to a stranger

21.write poems for friends

22.sleigh ride

23.wear a poofy dress to the grocery store (more than once)

24.plant flowers in public places without permission

25.play the djembe in a drum circle

quotes

"I want to think again of dangerous and noble things. I want to be light and frolicsome. I want to be improbable, beautiful, and afraid of nothing as though I had wings." -Mary Oliver

"When G moves us out of our comfort zones- into places that are way bigger than us, places that are difficult, hard, painful- that even hurt- this is a gift. We are being given a gift. These hard places give us the gift of intimately knowing G in ways that would never be possible in our comfort zones." (got this off a website/blog who got it from a pastor)

"hearts unfold like flowers before thee opening to the sun above..." -Ode to Joy!

"Catch fire with enthusiasm and people will come for miles to watch you burn." -John Wesley

"My beloved spoke and said to me, 'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of spring has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.'" (Song of Songs 2)

"Further up! Further in!" -Aslan

(Thank you to my friends who have provided me with some of these quotes. :) )

LIFTS!

Today during swing dancing we did LIFTS! ok so it was really like half a lift with a JUMP! I got to jump AND dance! It was so much fun!! :D :D :D plus, I got my giggles in!!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

God is good!

love!

I am tired.

I am tired of how women are treated all over the world.

That does not make me a feminist.

I am tired of how, in trying to do a project on women's health in Latin America, a LOT of the results were pages advertising "Latin Brides" or beautiful women. Gross.

I am tired of my friends thinking me dramatic because I live my emotions.

I am tired of being afraid.

I am tired of not having a close community of C followers here. I know lots, but I don't feel surrounded like I did at home. Those girls are still holding me together.

I am tired of people (including me) wasting time on stupid things instead of the important things.

I am tired of being distracted.

I am tired of eating my meals alone.

I am tired of not having constant, meaningful conversations.

I am tired of not getting enough sleep.

I am tired of noise.

I am tired of people's argumentative responses.

I am tired of cynicism.

I am tired of people always wanting the realistic.

I am tired of course joking, and nasty words.

I am tired of boys.

I am tired of not talking about it to anyone who really knows.

I am tired of listening, of waiting, of walking when I long to run, standing when I want to jump, keeping my mouth closed when I want to yell.

I am tired of not responding to tragedy.

I am tired of assignments.

I am tired of this campus. Of sitting in my room when I want so badly to be off exploring or walking, with someone- anyone.

I am tired of empty words. Of saying I want to change but being too afraid to actually do it.

I am tired of this brokenness.

I am tired of people not getting it.

I am tired of not being JOYFUL when I am full of joy or SORROWFUL when I have sorrow.

Mostly I am tired of being afraid. Cause if I wasn't afraid, I'd be so much more.

what I wrote at lunch

I'll beg You till my lips turn blue,
till my knees break down,
till I forget my name.

I am sorry for before,
for when I wanted to hold it,
I am ashamed.
This is the

worst
annoyance and I'd rather be as I am!
stubborn,
not needing what they say I need
but trusting You higher than the books, the friends, the songs.
Is there respite?
Is there removal?
I want to hear. I want to listen sharp.
If you would clear my mind of this,
start this fresh.
How many years will this loyalty take to dissipate?
How many months till I see hand in hand, hold despair on my tongue and wonder... --"for how long?"

How many days till a friend gets tired of waiting and announces she... thinking me fine, my stubborn heart so strong, that I don't care.
How many days till I am alone in this, and they are tired of comforting my agony and move in for their own pursuit?

Not that kind, but so much deeper,
so much more loyal. protective.

How many years till You tell him, till You show and he realizes?

How many of us will it take? How many of us will there be? How many more of those like me? Could we meet for lunch? for tea?