I am tired.

I am tired of how women are treated all over the world.

That does not make me a feminist.

I am tired of how, in trying to do a project on women's health in Latin America, a LOT of the results were pages advertising "Latin Brides" or beautiful women. Gross.

I am tired of my friends thinking me dramatic because I live my emotions.

I am tired of being afraid.

I am tired of not having a close community of C followers here. I know lots, but I don't feel surrounded like I did at home. Those girls are still holding me together.

I am tired of people (including me) wasting time on stupid things instead of the important things.

I am tired of being distracted.

I am tired of eating my meals alone.

I am tired of not having constant, meaningful conversations.

I am tired of not getting enough sleep.

I am tired of noise.

I am tired of people's argumentative responses.

I am tired of cynicism.

I am tired of people always wanting the realistic.

I am tired of course joking, and nasty words.

I am tired of boys.

I am tired of not talking about it to anyone who really knows.

I am tired of listening, of waiting, of walking when I long to run, standing when I want to jump, keeping my mouth closed when I want to yell.

I am tired of not responding to tragedy.

I am tired of assignments.

I am tired of this campus. Of sitting in my room when I want so badly to be off exploring or walking, with someone- anyone.

I am tired of empty words. Of saying I want to change but being too afraid to actually do it.

I am tired of this brokenness.

I am tired of people not getting it.

I am tired of not being JOYFUL when I am full of joy or SORROWFUL when I have sorrow.

Mostly I am tired of being afraid. Cause if I wasn't afraid, I'd be so much more.

what I wrote at lunch

I'll beg You till my lips turn blue,
till my knees break down,
till I forget my name.

I am sorry for before,
for when I wanted to hold it,
I am ashamed.
This is the

worst
annoyance and I'd rather be as I am!
stubborn,
not needing what they say I need
but trusting You higher than the books, the friends, the songs.
Is there respite?
Is there removal?
I want to hear. I want to listen sharp.
If you would clear my mind of this,
start this fresh.
How many years will this loyalty take to dissipate?
How many months till I see hand in hand, hold despair on my tongue and wonder... --"for how long?"

How many days till a friend gets tired of waiting and announces she... thinking me fine, my stubborn heart so strong, that I don't care.
How many days till I am alone in this, and they are tired of comforting my agony and move in for their own pursuit?

Not that kind, but so much deeper,
so much more loyal. protective.

How many years till You tell him, till You show and he realizes?

How many of us will it take? How many of us will there be? How many more of those like me? Could we meet for lunch? for tea?

march 17

Today I am thankful for many things. This is the orange I am eating. yum yum!

Have a beautiful day, wherever you are!

I am God's girl!

want

to

just

be.

not always exhausted

not stressed

not afraid

to live like I write.

response to earthquake

Christ is risen from the dead,

we are one with Him again!

come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave!

oh, death, where is your sting?

oh, hell, where is your victory?

oh Church, come stand in the Light!

the Glory of God has defeated the night!

oh church, come stand in the Light

our God is not dead, He's alive! He's alive!

(Christ is Risen, Matt Maher)

Jai Jai Yeshu Jai Jai Ho!

(Aradhna)

That is my response. My God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive!

They say change doesn’t happen over night.

They also say follow your heart, as if your heart is infallible. As if your heart knows the future, or what you really need, or what the other party feels about you.

They say you’ll find someone perfect. Does that mean you are perfect for someone? Do your flaws suddenly disappear?

They say what’s meant to be will be. They say your happily ever after will come. What about war? What about disease? Hardships?

They say those who mind don’t matter. What if the whole world minds?

They say you need a job that pays well. Security. A big car, a big house, a big grocery store.

They say you’d look so good if you’d only… and you get such a list you can’t even keep up with it all.

They say God bless America, when obviously He already has. Immensely.

They say winter is gloomy and cold weather is horrible. They say rain is bad but they like flowers. They like the green of summer. Without rain, there are no flowers. Put on some galoshes and deal with it gladly.

They say you need to have written goals.

They say you can do anything you want to do, unless that is something that doesn’t pay much, or something far away, or something you need to be alone for.

They say “good” is an acceptable response to questions.

They say speed limits are suggestions, and that you should go at least five over, unless you are driving in Terrace Park. Only then should you not pass the limit.

They say not to care what others think. Why all the fads then? Why the wrinkle creams? Why the smelly stuff? You can say over and over that you do it for yourself. But if you were the only person on earth would you bother fixing your beautiful laugh wrinkles?

They say be yourself, and then get in your face with images of what you want, what you need.

They say you should only rely on yourself. That no one knows what is best for you but you.

They say you are powerful, you are valuable, you are something special. But your clothes are the wrong shapes and colors and your hair has too many split ends and maybe you should get a pair of these shoes while you’re at it and you should smell like this and you should definitely watch this movie and read that book on some electronic device and join that club…

I refuse to believe it anymore. I refuse to put up with it. I refuse to sit passively by while these things are shouted at me.

Change doesn’t happen over night. That is my excuse. One little step at a time, they say. But you don’t learn to swim by putting one toe in at a time.

So let’s go. I want to do this.

This is not meant to be depressing. I had these thoughts meandering about in my head and I had to get them out. And what better time to force them out than late at night? Everything here is my opinion, so please no one be offended. (It does make me slightly sad that I have to write this, but oh well.)