some unfortunate things happened, but I realized I am so happy being single. SO HAPPY. Do you hear me? SO HAPPY!

Just J

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I am quite content, just as I am.

:)

The Technical Name

(Three posts in one day! What are we going to do with me! Sorry y'all, but it must come out.)

The Technical Name is Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. I've recently found, some way or another, quite a few blogs about babies with heart defects. Some of them have this. HLHS.

Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome is the Technical Name of the thing that took my brother. I think about him all the time. I have a right to. He's my brother. He will always be my brother.

I was born with a heart murmur. It makes me feel more connected to him, because we were so far apart.

They didn't have treatments or surgeries back then. They just had to take him home and pray for the best.

and I will always love him.

Ask

but i don't want to ask for anything fun today.
...well, i want to just really enjoy nature...

it rain stormed and then the sun came out just in time to set and it was stunning. there were two rainbows, though neither were very bright--- or maybe it was one really big rainbow. but either way, the pictures didn't really show up. but regardless i still saw them and really enjoyed. 

peace

I tell him I don't know what's going on, and I use my little brother voice, which is comforting to realize. 


and then later G and I come to some sort of understanding, finally. 


and at last, I go to bed with peace. 


Slow steps to knowing. Slow steps to life. 


It's these soft reminders that hold so much weight. The stars as I left the church last night, my sweet dreams, strawberries and lunch with ones I love. These soft reminders that sink most deeply. Hearing all these strong voices singing around me, and being free to cry. 


Starting to realize in my heart these things You try to tell me every day. I don't want to forget You anymore. 


But glorious news, my heart is starting to understand and embrace this. 
In fact, today my heart feels like it is overflowing. My love bucket is full full full- want some of it? I'll gladly share!


Slow steps to all this goodness,
                      all this peace.


It's not instant gratification, because it's way better. 


Not the end fix, probably, but a good start. a good slow, steady start. 


Don't rule it out.

Five Minute Friday: Relevant

It's Friday! Which means we write for five minutes on one topic. Five minutes flat. We don't worry about how it sounds or if it makes sense. Just write. Today's topic is relevant.

Go.

I looked up the definition of relevant, just to get a specific idea. I know what it means, I just wanted another word or two. Pertinent. I didn't want to write about something boring, to myself. I don't want to write about how this schoolwork is relevant to this life, blah blah blah... I walked to and from class this morning in the sunrise. I have a hard time focusing on anything else, when one thing touches me so beautifully. So I want to write about the sunrise. My eyes are filled with it as I walk. I eat sunrise for breakfast. (along with other things, of course.) Pertinent. The sunrise is pertinent in my life. The sunrise is pertinent because it brings my joy to the surface. I can't mask feeling exceedingly joyful in the 34 degrees of gloriousness, seeing my breath and watching the clouds melting across the sky. And the sun! This is relevant to my life. These are the things that matter most. When I eat sunrise with my eyes, I think less about the troubles and more about the Love. And that is the more relevant thing. If my life is to reflect glory, I need to not destroy the joy.

stop.

things.

I love the Listening Post, because though I rarely get to listen to anyone, it always forces me to alter my perspective. I look at people differently afterwards. The walk afterwards to wherever I am going is always rather joyful, fresh. 

today, october 27th, is the sort of day that reminds me I was made for another world. The sky is awake today. Rain, puffy clouds, sunshine, and the FALL leaves! beautiful.

today I was so wrapped up in the sky that I forgot a name. hallelujah.

today I smiled so wide I started to giggle. 

i know who i am. once i was nameless, alone and you found me. you formed my knees to bend. you call me beloved, i am perfection. all my failures won't condemn me, or leave me paralyzed and bound. when i'm at my worst, your love it finds me first... by you i can run in the night. for by you i can run in the night...

For by You I can run in the night!

(run in the night, jars of clay. youtube it. it's great!)