sigh

today is hard. i miss it.

21 months and then some.

joy

joy.

I have great joy. It's bubbling, and it's peaceful. A soft, peaceful bubbling.

I am struggling with the hair thing. I do not regret cutting it, and I'm so excited! But I do struggle with wishing it was long. 21 months. more or less. I can't stop thinking about when it will be long enough to braid, long enough to touch my back in a ponytail... I knew it would be hard. I am glad for it.

I feel so much more like me. I know it's not about the feelings, but it feels so good. I am forced to be bold, it's vulnerability at its clearest. I'm already uncomfortable, so I feel as though I might as well talk to people. Already there are wonderful things coming out of this.

and technically, my hair has already started growing. :)

Talk

This isn't finished.

(About Women's Weekend 2011)

We talk about boys (of course), but not in the giggly way. We share our hurts. Our struggles. Share commonalities that neither of us feel good enough for the honorable ones. We wish we could tell them, anonymously. I am fragile. Treat me this way. I respect this, and this, and this. Tell your brothers.

We talk about women, how we stare each other down walking along the sidewalk. How we always compare.

We talk about poop, puke, and period blood. And in what order do they disgust us. We talk a lot about poop.

We drink cocoa and coffee and tea in small tan cups. constantly. We feed each other funny stories and sad ones,

and laugh and ache.

Some of us cry.

Some of us run off to the bathroom for makeshift tissues.

...to be continued...

Haircut!

I have known for awhile that I find too much identity and security in my hair. I am a people pleaser. The easiest way to find approval was through my long hair. On Sunday the 11th, I was sitting in the Union trying to do homework (ha!) and I asked God how I could be who He has made me to be, how to find my identity in Him. I had been feeling like I wasn't being who He has made me. (a story for another day) So I asked a dangerous question. I distinctly heard, "cut your hair." And I said no. I knew that thought wasn't from me, because I would Never suggest that to myself. (And I asked how short, and said no to that too.) And He said some other things that are very true and hurt to hear. But I learned that I idolized my hair. I found my identity in it. I was the girl with the crazy long hair. It was my security blanket- pretty literally.

It took me two weeks to surrender. I thought about it (more like it ate me up), ignored the subject, and then it came back. I talked to some wise people about it, and realized that He didn't demand it from me; it was a suggestion. (But I am slowly learning that when the Creator of the universe suggests something to you it might be a good idea to do it.) I asked for something concrete, and He gave it. Something to make me think of where I find my identity every day.

My heart wanted to do it, to show Jesus that only in Him do I find my identity. I want to be faithful in the small things. I want to show Him I love Him. It is scary, but I want to be pushed. I want new adventures. It's not to gain His approval, and I know He doesn't demand this. It's hard to explain. But my heart is full. happy.

It was suggested that we cut it at Women's Weekend. (I went on a retreat with cru this weekend- 50 women together for a weekend, it was absolutely wonderful.) I didn't think anyone would have the right kind of scissors. But someone did! So Friday night (actually I think it was very early Saturday morning), she cut it. Eleven inches, and then more in layers.

And surprisingly, I feel so beautiful. so full. It was such a lovely place to do it- surrounded by supportive community. It's a new start. fresh. healthy. It's rather symbolic. I'm so excited for adventures with Jesus to come! And my hair does look good. It will grow out, it's just hair. And I will grow with it.

On Saturday morning I went walking in the woods at the camp where the retreat was, alone with Jesus. And alone with Him, nothing else matters. And that is how it should be. I've struggled a bit with it. I'm nervous about people's reactions and questions, and reactions to my answers to their questions. Wondering how long it will take to grow back, all these things... It is not a super easy thing for me to do.

But I am filled with peace. And excitement! And love. I feel so loved. GIDDY loved. I'm so excited to learn about my identity in J alone. So excited for our adventures.

'Cause I'm God's girl! And this is our crazy adventure! and I LOVE IT.

growing as my hair grows. :)

Have a beautiful day!

(also, I thought I should include a before picture. It's not super easy to see, but I don't have a ton of pictures that are just me, with my hair down. so good enough.)

Five Minute Friday! Growing

It's Friday! which means we write for five minutes about a topic, and we don't edit! It doesn't matter what comes out, we just write. :) Here's the official place: The Gypsy Mama, and you can link up there to share your five minutes and encourage others! :D

So for today: Growing.

Go!

Growing. A perfect topic for me this morning. Today I feel beautiful. This is especially nice today, because I am going to cut my hair. I believe God wants me to. I asked him how to live more like He created me to live, how to find my identity solely in Him, and I clearly heard "cut your hair." I would never in a million years suggest this to myself. I argued and said no and argued some more and I have finally surrendered. I am growing to learn about my identity in Christ alone. And the best part is, hair grows. My hair will grow back. (should) My heart is growing. Today feels like an especially grow-y day, because it's wet outside, and you can just see the trees drinking up that water. (I love rain!) Also because I'm doing new things today! So I feel like I'm literally growing, stretching a bit today. It's crazy. I'm actually getting excited about this hair thing. I've talked to some women about it in the past week, to make sure it's right, and one said an interesting thing- to make sure it is not to earn God's approval, but rather to draw closer to Him. Anyways, the word growing makes me all excited, for all these things that are springing up in my life. :)

stop.

Also, it's technically not morning anymore. woops. but close enough. I thought about this post this morning, just didn't have the time to write.

Thanks for reading!

how thirteen dollars could change my life

the simplest things are hardest.

i know what i'm supposed to do.

thirteen dollars.

(or less. maybe free. but i'm terrified to do it. but what a life i could have if i did. if i actually DID something to surrender. if i actually took a step towards letting J be in control of my identity, instead of my appearance, or this culture, or my need for approval.)

the simplest things are hardest.

to just be. to know that i am loved.

to just trust You. You've never failed me before, why do i still have such trouble trusting?

to just be, where You've put me.

if i live what i believe, i don't believe much. especially not the simple things.

i asked Him what to do, how to start living like He created me. He gave me a concrete answer. and it is the hardest thing. i don't want to do it.

i want to want to do this for Him. i want to show Him my love. i want to find my identity in Him.

and it is so hard.

Five Minute Friday: Joy

It's Friday! and that means Five minutes to just write with no editing or over-thinking. I don't usually edit too much, but I do write really slowly and write it all in my head first. So five minute fridays are hard for me. But they're good too, because they're hard.

Here's the deal: Write for five minutes. Don't over think it, don't edit it, don't worry if it sounds dumb. Then you can link up to This Page if you want, and read and encourage other bloggers.

Joy.

GO.

I used to think joy and happiness were the same thing. Now I know they're not. Joy is so much more rewarding. I want to have the type of joy Sara has. A quiet assurance type of joy. When I think of joy, I think of a deep grin welling up from my insides and busting out. But it's not busting with obnoxious screaming and yelling and laughing. (well, sometimes it is.) But mostly, it's a soft, overwhelming, gloriousness, exploding and streaming out and it tastes so sweet.

Joy. A choice. Sometimes it's so hard to choose joy. But it is so necessary.

Today I am joyful because of a possible opportunity, because the clouds are beautiful. I am joyful because soon Sara gets to be with Jesus. (Or maybe she is now, I don't know yet) I am joyful because of an assurance, and it explodes into making me grateful for all of these beautiful things. The sky, friends, square dancing tonight, smiling at the squirrels on campus, giggling at the wind, remembering that it doesn't matter if my nose works or not, I am LOVED! That is joy.

joy joy joy joy!!

Joyful for you, Miss Sara!

aaaaand... stop.