Who are you alone?

Everyone (mostly) is terribly insecure.

Who are you beyond your knowledge, your books, your clothes, the things you are good at, your electronics, your car, your job, your music collection?

Who are you alone, outside? Alone, alone. Wilderness alone.

Do you giggle, or run? Or wander slowly? What do you think of? Are you amazed? Do you sit on the ground or do you stand? Do you find a tree to climb? Or are you on the beach making castles or collecting seashells? When no one is there, are you enough?

Five Minute Friday: New

It's Five Minute Friday!

Here are the rules.

go.

I would rather have something old than something new, mostly. I like my old jeans, my old house, even the old dorm I live in at school. Something used, lived in, experienced.

Another year. The place is familiar, but the people are new.

...I am new, and learning to love smells and sights and feelings that other people don't even notice.

Like the bugs. How many of them are new. Two weeks, a year? Their whole life is new.

I really don't like this friday's topic, honestly. New. One of those words that if you roll it over in your mouth it begins to sound out of place, weird and ugly. I don't like thinking about the cliched posts of others, though it is rude.

If there is anything I've learned, (or not learned) it is how to be mean.

writers' block for five minutes about one three letter word.

four minutes, actually, and I'm out.

new!

It was time for a blog switch-er-roony. :) Gotta have some variety in your life, ya know? A tree and sunset. About time to go back to school, I think it fits. :D (could be sunset I suppose... either way, gloriousness!)

~me :D

not a change

Every year I say to myself, this year I will change. This year I will become who I want to be. But I think, it is not a change in myself necessarily. The person I am is basically set. Maybe I will twist and bend a little here and there, but basically, this is me. This will be me. Of course, I will always be happy to have G change my heart, and there will always be things to work on. But I think my personality is pretty much set. And the things I want to be are already in me. I already marvel at the sky and trees and I already like to experience little things fully, like puddle jumping and chocolate cupcakes. I already like to skip and dance and frolic. I already like meaningful conversations. The things I want to be I already am, for the most part. I just need to be more of them. Just let them out. :)

Two posts in a matter of minutes

Friday's (8/12) subject for gypsy mama's five minute friday was beauty. I'm late. But I want to do it anyway, because I think I have something different to say. Here's her blog, if you want to read about fridays. So here goes. Five minutes, no editing.

Go.

When I read other women's blogs about beauty, and their silly complaints about noses that are too big, or bodies that they don't think are skinny enough, it doesn't make me feel any better. Their pictures are absolutely beautiful. Their pictures make me wonder why on earth wouldn't these women know that they are beautiful?! I can realize in the back of my mind that maybe, once upon a time, that might be me, beautiful but not knowing, but as of usually, the societal definition of what beautiful is creeps into my head and won't let go. Sometimes I actually feel beautiful, but reading others' posts about it does not help at all. At school they once had something called princess night. I didn't go, because all of those girls seem to have it all together. I know they don't, but they appear just fine. I don't want to listen to someone give some talk about being beautiful when those girls already are. So your hair is curly and you want it to be straight, big deal, there are bigger "beauty" issues. I suppose it is rather cruel of me to think this way, as my issues are probably nothing to many of these people, I realize this. We're all just one big mess, aren't we? But basically, those blogs with other women discussing their insecurities don't make me feel any more secure. Or understood. It shouldn't matter at all, and I know -- Stop.

*side note. I suppose I should be sleeping by the time the loud people come walking down the street, as happens so many nights after about 12:30...

a few days left

My bedroom windows have been open for at least five days. I think probably more. :) I love having the room somehow connected to the outside.

Three glorious sunset days in a row. Friday night was purplepink clouds fading into blue. Saturday was gold shining against dark grey, and then there was a HUGE rainbow, and then the clouds rolled away. And tonight, sunshine after rain after sunshine and now there is evening sun creeping into my room.

A Thousand Splendid Suns. Books like this remind me how blessed I am. To have a father who loves me just as much as Mama does. To live in a place that has been peaceful.

In a few days I will go back. All summer I had the romanticized view of it, the conversations with people and the spontaneous sunset walks... Suddenly I remember the hard things too, of which there are plenty. How can I make them less hard, see them differently? The dinners alone, the lack of nature like I love, the cramped room, very little privacy, the incessant noise... how can I see these things differently? How can I find friends who want deep conversations, meaningful conversations. It will be fine. I wasn't 100% ready to leave in the spring, even living in that place. The summer has definitely changed me- has continued changing me. I mean, the summer hasn't, G has. But the time period. Between this time last year and now, I am different. It might not show on the outside, but I am more calm, more resolute, more bold, more free. Not perfect, not finished, but started. It will be fine. I have a hideous but super cool jacket and orange pants bought for a dollar and a new bracelet. Not that these make me, but that I can wear them without your approval is a lovely step. (Though you would approve.) (You as a general term you know, not you specific.)

Anyway. I will go back and immerse myself in Psychology and battle the lies about my intelligence with math. I think it will be good. I'm excited. :)

Off to

You might be off on some crazy adventure- to some beautiful new place. I am happy for you. I am trying to not be jealous, holding to hope that one day I will get to go someplace beautiful and new. I am off to the familiar. To have adventures in a place I have come to realize is unexpectedly beautiful, finding beauty in the apple skins and sunsets from the laundry room window. To find wilderness wherever I am, be it in the desert (figuratively) or the oasis. To take the things I have learned these past three months and smash them together with things I have yet to learn. To experience the life that has been freely given. To dance.