5/22/11

leap

Nothing makes me feel like a real person more than nature, weather, the sky, rain, wind.

like a spring storm with thirty minutes of drenching rain, wind, thunder, with the windows open and spray coming in. like the birds singing all the while, all is well. like the end of the storm, later, with the sun bursting free again.

Nothing makes me feel beautiful like a beautiful day, water and fruit on the deck, socks in the grass, a good book and the sun.

Nothing makes me feel smart like writing poetry on the porch with a breeze, birds chirping, ants scurrying. writing anything.

a rainbow from a beautiful window.
a talk with a friend.
a picture of a common weed against the sky, unnoticed and gorgeous. elegance.
fruit. so much fruit. and water.
a single glass of water, two ice cubes, sitting on the purple picnic table.
a hammock in the breeze, an unplanned nap.
spontaneity.

freedom of a realization, a heart cry, a need, a want, desire.
yearn.

feeling a burst, a snap, an eruption of color, spring colors flowing.
{out of my heart, into}
flowing. like air, like water, like sunshine.
a snap. a crack. a pull.

just go. leap. jump.
I have a poem collection called jump. (maybe one day...)
jump! leap! go!

yesterday, "I love you," at work. I almost cried. all the time, you know, all the time "I love you." and every
single
time
I actually listen, I could cry.
what if I listened, gasp, more?

spring.
bursting. leap. jump. snap. crack.
cry.
loved.
color flowing
go.
leap,
go!
beautiful
fruit water
go.
jump leap.
darling
your heart
is beautiful.
He says.



5/20/11

salt summer

Being salty is hard. Work is hard. Loving is hard.

But self, deal with it. It's what we're called to. It's what we've been given. It's enough.

I am so excited because this summer, we're taking these towns for G. It's so cool to see what He's doing in my friends' lives, in mine, and to imagine all the things He'll do in peoples' hearts that we'll never know.

grace.

salty.

Have a great day!

5/19/11

when can you "BLAST IT ALL I'M BEING WHO I AM!" ??

5/18/11

said

she said to me, you're playing bridge when everyone around you is playing go fish. she said, you have a great promise.

He said go upstairs, talk to her. (she was in my room. I didn't even have to knock.)

he broke my heart, He broke my heart a hundred times. he thought I was just being kind. He fed me stars. that night late, so cold but I didn't feel it. my brother's birthday.

that place screams of emptiness. desperation. but it is not desolated.

He gave me spring, and the joy that comes when I cry when I laugh.

I smile wide inside.

she said she's ugly. He told me I'm not. I know she's not.

He changed the system for me. faithful. a story more wonderful than any I could dream.

a story.

so many stories.

He reminded me, his name starts with that letter too. oh yeah. ding!

he said you look familiar. He said don't worry about it.

we ate oranges together on saturdays and sundays.
walked at night together. be safe they said.
yeah, Jesus is walking me home tonight, folks.

loves loves loves.

I had no patience, He had so much.

the Olscamp bathroom stalls bore witness. emptiness. she thinks she's ugly.
I wrote poems about her. I should have taped them to the wall.

I cried and He reminded me of all the people surrounding. (j.penelope) I want to be one of those people.

the best hugs.

always a fight.

joy joy joy.

we had dance parties when my roommate was gone. or in the hall, if she was there. sometimes no music.

always faithful.

she said you're playing bridge. I've never played bridge. but I knew what she meant.






wednesday

This is GORGEOUS (2nd one is great too) (yes that is a link. "this" is a link.)

Today was great.

with Emily:
library
nature center (picked muddy trails. made me giggle. cry giggle. good stuff.)
lunch

she made bagels later, super cool.

shopping for dinner
dinner (and Dad too) (fruit salad and spaghetti with lots of vegetables.) (ice cream dessert)

I didn't have to work.
got to read a friend's piece of writing, love doing that. it was delightful.

for five minutes there was a blue patch in the sky.

yes.
good day.

5/17/11

backtalk

"I'm not afraid" I realize, suddenly.
"yes you are" he says, trying to be sneaky, putting thoughts in my head.
"No, I'm not."
"yes, actually you are."
"No, actually I'm not. I don't have a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, power, and self control."
"No, you d-"
"Stop. I don't have to listen to you. I'm not listening to you. You're cunning and deceitful, but I'm way more stubborn than you know. I'm not afraid."

I refuse to be afraid.

I have a spirit of power, love, and self control.
so there.

*Work was pretty good today. Not too busy till the end. I actually don't really mind at all packaging pizzas, or putting them in the oven, or making them, that part is kind of fun. It's the cash register I don't like. But by the end of the summer, it's gonna be good stuff.

5/16/11

Already

I decided I better keep a log of all the stuff going on so I remember.

I wrote a piece (essay? ramble?) early early Friday morning, about how I don't want to gush about myself on job applications, about how I don't want to get a job by playing society's rules. How I wanted to be able to bust out the human trafficking facts, to ask them questions. To not have to lie about myself or inflate the truth in order to get a job.

Friday afternoon I walked into that store and they didn't have any applications. I got hired. I got to tell the manager about human trafficking in Toledo. He was really interested. I think that's why he hired me. He didn't ask me any questions where I had to make up answers molded for the questions. He simply asked, "what do you like about pizza?" and then about my major.

Friday morning (more like Thursday night) I told G I wasn't playing by society's rules. Friday afternoon, He gave me a job.

YAY!!

and then I panicked. I've known I'm believing some nasty lies for years, and I know that I'm afraid of most things. I had been asking G to reveal those to me. Getting a job made my fear explode. I knew it would happen. I'm also struggling with loneliness. I know the cause though. It's not the way G wants me to live. I'm realizing more and more and more that the person I am inside can't get out because I'm so afraid. And I'm realizing more and more and more that if I could stop being afraid, my life would change so much.

Already, I'm seeing G start to do big things. Freshman year was stretching, sophomore year I learned a lot lot lot and He started setting me free (or I finally started receiving what He has). I've been over it all before. My head knows. My heart ignores.

This summer is going to be big. One week, and it already has been.

This morning I renounced the loneliness. The fear is harder to step away from, because I've been sitting in it for as long as I can remember.

It's the actions that make you bold, not the feelings. It's a choice to be courageous. And if we're called to trust G, then this is pretty blatantly disobedience.

Already I have realized so much. Already He's showing me truth.

(yeah, I'm pretty excited for what this summer holds.)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)