Saturday

Today I woke up at about 8 when the whole room was glowing gold. Then I went back to sleep till the roomie woke up at 9:30. She went to shower and I read my book for a while. (Walking With God by John Eldrege) It was lovely. And then when I finally got up Lara and I got breakfast. Then we went for a really long walk. We walked to the airport :) and then she showed me a new hill and pond. There is a big slab of rock leading down the water so we laid on our backs and stared at the sky and basked in the sun. It was gorgeous. And then we walked back. :) DELIGHTFUL. It's also GORGEOUS outside with not a cloud in the sky and while we were out it was BLUE BLUE BLUE! And now I need to do homework. (But I did start yesterday :) ) So it's basically the best day I've had in a long time. :)

Have a happy day! Choose joy!

~P

quiet

Today I had a headache. Actually it came yesterday evening while dancing, and lasted through today. (Still going.) So I went to Spanish and seriously considered just going back to my room and trying to sleep. (Though that wouldn't actually have worked because of the t.v.) I went to poetry anyway, and as I walked out of Eppler, I noticed it was sunny. LOVELY. And then I got to poetry and my professor (is she still called that if she's a grad student?) said she was feeling tired and thought we needed a calm day. So we did a writer's colony (I don't know if that's the right term..) and we all took off in opposite directions and just wrote. Then we got back together and talked about it a little. I went to where the clock tower is, and there are benches surrounding it. I wrote some, but that's not the point. I turned on my music and then decided to just have quiet and turned it off. It was prescribed quiet. It was still class time, so I could just relax, write whatever I wanted, and listen to the nature. The birds were happy, the tree was creeking, the ice was dripping off the bush next to me. It was just nice. And the cool, calm winter air took my mind away from my headache. It was so nice to just be quiet and write about that. I'm not one of those people who never stops, no no, I take my breaks, but I didn't have to feel guilty during this time. I wasn't taking a break feeling like I should be doing something else. I was taking a break during time set aside for it. (Yes, I was writing, but I always write. :) )

In other non-news, I'm really tired of eating alone in my room. I don't particularly want to eat alone not in my room though. Maybe I should start a club for people who don't eat with their friends. It also feels like it should be Friday.

but have a lovely evening!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm going to wish you a good one now!

I like Valentine's Day. I think it's wonderful to show people your love. And if you're single, you still have friends, don't you? You still have a family, don't you?

so Happy Valentine's Day!!

friday night

I may have to shut the window.

I guess with the fan on I don't hear the wind. But I don't like the fan. I like the wind. But it might be hard to fall asleep to.

So very tired.

So much sitting over my head.

Oasis tonight. Was good. but now I am exhausted.

But G is rumbling. (M's word, not mine) all over the world. He is. I've faith.

I can't believe we didn't leave that church till after 11. Crazy.

mmm.

sleep.

I like dorm beds. They're up high, and they're comfy, and I have nice blankets that I can scrunch around and make a nest out of. And they're long enough, but not too wide.

I think I won't set my alarm for tomorrow. Most saturdays I do, but I think I'm tired enough not to. I think once in a few weeks it'll be ok to sleep in, even if I do have six classes and six projects. sigh.

We got to sing Beautiful Things by Gungor tonight! Love that song!

babbling, rambling, time for bed!

...now to just drag myself off to the bathroom and then climb the ladder up to my dragon nest... ('cause you know, I am a dragon.)

I post too much.

I post too much.

But I have become obsessed with writing. I love pouring out my heart in words for people to read in their own sweet time, to interpret how they will. Maybe I'm too open. But I'm obsessed. I want to publish my poems. I doubt they're good enough for the real world of professional poets. I am only an amateur, after all. And I do not want to become proud. I want my poems to get under people's skin. I want my poems to affect people. (effect?) I want G to speak through them. I want people to read them, but not to remark on me.

yeah. That's all I got.

happy day

~p

Power

I was walking back from swing dancing tonight, being all giggly and happy, and all of a sudden I saw this HUGE shooting star looking thing falling through the sky. It even kinda had a tail. It was big enough and slow enough that I wondered if it was man made. But it wasn't. I know deep down that it was something awesome and astronomical, and showing J's love. showing the awesomeness of G. You don't have to agree, but I have no ifs ands or doubts about it. It was incredible, and gorgeous, and HUGE. Coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. I'll remember it for the rest of my life and beyond :)

like I'm supposed to live

I need to write. (I need to SPEAK.) At lifegroup last night we talked about fear. Yeah, I’m pretty much afraid of everything, which I think means I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of people thinking I’m bat poo crazy. I’m afraid that people won’t like me, that people won’t be kind to me, that people won’t take me seriously. I’m afraid that people won’t want to be around me. I’m afraid of what they will think. I’m terrified to speak in Ethnic studies because I think they’ll murder me. They’ll hate me. I’m not afraid of not saying what she wants. I’m afraid I will say what she wants and they’ll all eat me alive.

I write a LOT more than I talk. I LIKE to talk, and at the same time I think it’s probably better to write more. But sometimes I have things to say and just don’t. And I think I have decided that it’s hard to come up with things to say on the spot. An excuse. If I practiced it would be easier. But I don’t trust God to use my fumbled words. I WANT to be free. so badly. I want to dance with Jesus and skip and spin. I want I want I want. I could say that all day.

And if I lived like I was totally in love with J, my life would be RADICALLY different. If I lived like He is my first love, like I am not trying to please anyone but Him, my life would be so radically different. People like me as I am now. QUIET. NICE. ACCOMADATING. I’m not saying those things might change incredibly much, because they’re not bad things. I’ll always be more quiet than a lot of people. Quiet is good. But I’m tired of being practically mute. I want to be gentle and patient and kind, but “nice” was never the goal. That’s hard to explain so I’m not going to. Accommodating can be good too, but not when it means passively sitting by and observing something that is wrong.

If I lived like I am totally in love with God, I would be forced to move out of my fear, out of my comfort. People wouldn’t understand me and they’d hate that. They wouldn’t understand why I find cranberry apple raspberry juice so beautiful. Why I decide to walk backwards so I can watch the sunrise. Why I ask strangers deep questions.

The me that’s inside is SO different than the me that most people see. This weekend that fact sort of exploded. I’m so tired of people assuming so many things about me because all they see of me is quiet, nice, and doesn’t cuss. Part of me is crazy passionate, but I try to hide that around people I don’t know well. Why do I do that? Passion is a good thing. Part of me is a goof. But I don’t want people to dislike my humor. Anyway, there is so much more to me than quiet and nice.

I’m not writing this because I have low self esteem and need you to tell me you like me just the way I am. Thanks, I like myself too. I’m writing this because my life could be radically different if I lived like I believe. I’m writing this because I’m tried of settling for nice. I’m writing this because I want to be translucent, not opaque. I’m writing this because I think I have some friends who will relate. Maybe this could be encouraging. I’m writing this because I want to change, and I need to be straightforward. I’m writing this because it’s what I do. I write.

People say change doesn’t happen over night, but I don’t really know how to ease into this. I kinda see it as all or nothing, and for the past several years it’s been nothing. I can’t wait until my heart is all fixed up to start this. Maybe the doing will start the fixing. I don’t know. But if I wait, it’s never going to happen.

I’m tired of fooling around. I want to live like I’m in love! Cause I am!