like I'm supposed to live

I need to write. (I need to SPEAK.) At lifegroup last night we talked about fear. Yeah, I’m pretty much afraid of everything, which I think means I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of people thinking I’m bat poo crazy. I’m afraid that people won’t like me, that people won’t be kind to me, that people won’t take me seriously. I’m afraid that people won’t want to be around me. I’m afraid of what they will think. I’m terrified to speak in Ethnic studies because I think they’ll murder me. They’ll hate me. I’m not afraid of not saying what she wants. I’m afraid I will say what she wants and they’ll all eat me alive.

I write a LOT more than I talk. I LIKE to talk, and at the same time I think it’s probably better to write more. But sometimes I have things to say and just don’t. And I think I have decided that it’s hard to come up with things to say on the spot. An excuse. If I practiced it would be easier. But I don’t trust God to use my fumbled words. I WANT to be free. so badly. I want to dance with Jesus and skip and spin. I want I want I want. I could say that all day.

And if I lived like I was totally in love with J, my life would be RADICALLY different. If I lived like He is my first love, like I am not trying to please anyone but Him, my life would be so radically different. People like me as I am now. QUIET. NICE. ACCOMADATING. I’m not saying those things might change incredibly much, because they’re not bad things. I’ll always be more quiet than a lot of people. Quiet is good. But I’m tired of being practically mute. I want to be gentle and patient and kind, but “nice” was never the goal. That’s hard to explain so I’m not going to. Accommodating can be good too, but not when it means passively sitting by and observing something that is wrong.

If I lived like I am totally in love with God, I would be forced to move out of my fear, out of my comfort. People wouldn’t understand me and they’d hate that. They wouldn’t understand why I find cranberry apple raspberry juice so beautiful. Why I decide to walk backwards so I can watch the sunrise. Why I ask strangers deep questions.

The me that’s inside is SO different than the me that most people see. This weekend that fact sort of exploded. I’m so tired of people assuming so many things about me because all they see of me is quiet, nice, and doesn’t cuss. Part of me is crazy passionate, but I try to hide that around people I don’t know well. Why do I do that? Passion is a good thing. Part of me is a goof. But I don’t want people to dislike my humor. Anyway, there is so much more to me than quiet and nice.

I’m not writing this because I have low self esteem and need you to tell me you like me just the way I am. Thanks, I like myself too. I’m writing this because my life could be radically different if I lived like I believe. I’m writing this because I’m tried of settling for nice. I’m writing this because I want to be translucent, not opaque. I’m writing this because I think I have some friends who will relate. Maybe this could be encouraging. I’m writing this because I want to change, and I need to be straightforward. I’m writing this because it’s what I do. I write.

People say change doesn’t happen over night, but I don’t really know how to ease into this. I kinda see it as all or nothing, and for the past several years it’s been nothing. I can’t wait until my heart is all fixed up to start this. Maybe the doing will start the fixing. I don’t know. But if I wait, it’s never going to happen.

I’m tired of fooling around. I want to live like I’m in love! Cause I am!