I stood in the lobby of the building my family has attended Sunday worship in my whole life, and realized I knew no one. And no one came to say hello, and the only person who said hello to me the whole time asked me if it was my first time there.

That is really hard.

I was so excited to go there today, and got there and realized I knew no one. And no one knew me.

Yesterday I was in the grocery store with my mama and there were all these bright signs advertising faster checkout! As if that was supposed to be a good thing.

I don't want a faster checkout. I want to go slow and ask the cashier and the person bagging my groceries how their day is actually going.

So these are things I can do.
I can ask deep questions of anyone I come in contact with.
And I can go slow. I can hand over my money slowly. I can take a program slowly, and look the greeter in the eye and say how are you? He will inevitably say "good!" and turn to the next. I cannot control his response. But I can control my questions.

I think these are good first steps to ignoring this oppressive culture.

Things that make my heart sing

1. A note from my sweet roommate when I got home, about happy things that happened to her today.
2. It is snowing.
3. Dairy Queen- a mini double fudge cookie dough- which would have been at least a large in Europe.
4. Hospitality- Amber served me dinner- and let me walk her dog (okay, dog she lives with, but same thing.) I love the feeling of having a dog on the other end of a leash, walking in the snow.
5. Babysitting 12 boys... that wasn't the singing part, but the exhausted but invigorated feeling afterwards- and the cookie :)
6. Going to Taco bell to break the twenty for the babysitting, and getting to really hear how the workers were doing.
7. People who are going to be my good friends walking in- we went there spontaneously, and saw them spontaneously, and it was glorious.
8. A date for early tomorrow morning, for getting things done.
9. Being told, "it is an honor to meet you." An HONOR?! I feel so honored to meet HER!
10. No facebook today in honor of 27 million people who are slaves- and I don't miss it. :)

10 things to make my heart sing. :)
the best parts are people.
Isn't Jesus amazing? Dang, he loves so well! ;)

yellow yearnings

I'm just, tired of being afraid of DUST. (people) I wanna talk to people dagnabbits! I wanna tell them they're great! I wanna SPEW! I'M TIRED OF THIS CULTURE BUT I'M NOT TIRED, I'M RIPSNORTIN' READY TO GOOOOO!

I wanna dance in the street.

I wanna wave my hands in church. I wanna reach, like I'm reaching up to heaven to grab God's hand.

I wanna ask deep questions.

I wanna sit in the front - of poetry readings of church, and shout JESUS! and shout Amen! and shout yeah! and clap real loud and tell the poet THANK YOU FOR COMING!

dance in my soul so I can break the rules.

......

He'll give. 
I need to receive.

facebook. I have facebook to connect with people's lives, not read articles about what is apparently supposed to be good news, about an 11 year old shooting two men who happen to be in this country illegally? That is supposed to be celebrated? That an 11 year old killed two men, we are supposed to glorify that? THAT IS NOT WHY I GET ON FACEBOOK. "Being a true American, I hope you'll pass this on." REALLY? IF THAT IS A TRUE AMERICAN I'M THANKFUL I'LL NEVER BE ONE. sorry for the yelling. But if I don't yell here I'll yell at the friend who shared it and that is not okay.

Is that love?
I THINK NOT.

*oh thank Jesus, snopes says it is false.

Sterility

The sterility of this country is stifling me.

I had labeled it earlier this week as restlessness. I realize now that is not what it is. Restlessness is continually moving, quiet. This is not restlessness, but longing.

I am not restless when I am serving tea or listening to the passions of friends. I am restless, rather, when listening to a professor talk about the way a woman shops for oranges in China, reading the blogs of international organizations, walking through crowds of hundreds of people and it is quiet, sitting in poetry workshop disagreeing with everything they find valuable, while I watch the sun set, noticing the way the light shifts.

The sterility of this country is stifling me.

My life is not my own. And this is where I am right now- studying at a university in a small town in the Midwest, USA.

I can spend all day longing for places I love, for cultures I want to taste, for the colors, sounds and smells of Asia, but this is where I am now.

How do I break these cultural norms? I break most of the cultural rules in other places anyway, just because I do not know any better, so I might as well do it here too, even though it forces me off the path of least resistance.

That’s something I really need to figure out soon. J

For now, a dear friend is coming over for food and we are going to talk about these things. Oh I am so thankful for dear friends! 

J and I are addicted to oreos. It's a problem.

But a big glass of milk and a John Piper sermon, mmm it's already a good day :)

home

I feel like I just went home.

had the privilege of skyping (without video but it was still wonderful to hear their voices together) with Sarah and Kristin.

Their 'presence' was so comforting and encouraging.

My laughter came, strong.

We prayed together at the end, like bedtime during the summer :)

"It really does feel like we're in that room sitting in our sticky beds and watching the faraway breeze that will never come anywhere near us."

I wish I could melt these two worlds of mine together.