i want to take care of people.

a friend just put on her facebook status that she is sick- any remedies for throat pain- I said honey and tea. but that's not the point. the point is she's in russia and i'm here. and i don't know her very well, but i wish i was there so i could personally make her tea with honey so she doesn't have to.

this huge surging in my heart to want to take care of people.

it is interesting.
encouraging.
hopeful.

RAIN!

the rain.
my heart can hardly contain
its joy.

life and power
crashing and dancing
and trembling joy,
and the birds sing until bedtime.

God
and night
and rain
how could you possibly
want anything else,
dear heart?

my heart is leaping inside of me
listening,
my ears are laughing
my heart is dancing
God
with rain.

We talk about Jesus.
The Jesus who hangs out with drug addicts and tax collectors and prostitutes.
The Jesus who sits on the couch, slouched, legs stretched out drinking tap water out of a class on a coaster with a picture of a wombat, talking to us. "Yeah, I know it's hard. I got it."

We read books. Me, Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliot, and mama, God Behaving Badly by David T. Lamb.

Water in glasses, the ice all melted, the windows open, two dragonfly type bugs mating on the window screen, can't see outside but sitting right next to it, listening to the beginnings of summer bugs, almost chilly.

thanks

Jesus

that He made me for wonder

wind

my loving parents who will take the day off to come pack my things into the van and drive me home

my beautiful, loving, supportive community in this town

and that there are people all over the world who love Him

water fountains

Your rain.
splashed this windowsill
next to my ear
and whispered rhythm beats
in the trees.
Your sun.
popped gleefully
out of the clouds
and spread Your love 
over my face
and my stretched out knees.


then it slid behind
these bricks
and the rain tucked itself
back into clouds.


Your girl.
walked down stairs
to take a final exam
she would probably fail,


but You.
love her so much more.

stream of consciousness. it felt good.

That boy wanted to meet me but stayed away. Either because he was shy, or knew he wasn't allowed. I respect both of those things.


I have orange juice on my hands. thinking about "Oranges" by Gary Soto. 


listening to a song about rain, sitting under plexiglass or something, listening to real rain.


I like rain because nature likes it. As I walked over here a bird was singing. It made my heart grin.


I've stopped worrying about it. (boy) It's a conscious choice not to worry. I trust God, and anyway, I can't do anything about it over the summer.


I've calmed about that too. Six weeks in a town that is no longer home, and then eight on an adventure, one at home, and back to school. It is hard to go home, to let go of my independence and be away from my community and keep my schedule of things productive.


On facebook I was told to get a coke, to help me study, so I did. $1.50 of real money and c 69 (no cents symbol, sadness) of meal plan. A coke and an orange. I don't drink soda much, not being a huge fan of carbonation, but once in a while, I enjoy the bittersweet taste of syrup and caffeine, gross as it is.


It is my rebellion- this harmless-in-small-doses poison.


I need to study but I do not know how.


There is a child downstairs crying.


Rain.


I'm writing in cursive.


All of this is soothing.


Two tests ago, I sat here when it was over and wrote a poem about fruit picking, a simple life with no television.


I'm an idealist. I hope I never give that up.


Soda makes me burp through my nose. It's rather inconvenient.


I'm watching rain drops collide with the windowsill.


No music in my ears, orange dust and sticky juice on my fingers.


A quiet existence,
simple, 
content,
and EXCITED. but a quiet, assured sort of excitement, not a IHAVETOSHARETHISWITHTHEWORLDRIGHTNOW sort of excitement. (today, anyway.)


I have great friends.


The sky is beautiful. I think the sunset will be gold tonight.


Once this school year, I sat in the union on the third floor when the sunset was gold and thought how I wanted to be the sunset, and then marveled at how God loves me MORE than the sunset. 


I love these people. I still ache for wilderness, but it is the people... I can't be a hobo and live in the woods. There are days... but I LOVE these people! 


and then the sun burst forth and spread gold all over my face and legs and it was lovely. 

glimmers of reality

This is a lonely week. But God has provided people for me every time I need them. 


A few hours ago I spontaneously saw my friend Amber while lunching. I went to sit with her and she asked me what she should read. (um, best question EVER- okay not true, but close) So I ran to my room and got Captivating for her to borrow. And then while we were giggling with joy about it, I got a little glimmer of reality. Of life. 


Sometimes I get tricked into thinking that I'm wasting my life. Sometimes I worry about what I'm going to do next. After college. Sometimes I get discouraged because it seems I'm going to be here for five years. I worry, I worry, I worry. I often think that my life hasn't really started yet, hasn't been useful. 


But sometimes, like today, I get glimpses of A, what I want to do, and B, what I am already doing. They are very similar. And sitting with my friend, I just realized that YES. I am living now, I don't have to wait for later. 


It's these seemingly small things that are important. Being with friends and encouraging each other, listening to each other, sharing joy, sharing food, sharing gifts. Adoring Jesus, falling off the sidewalk because the sky is too stunning to stop looking at, puddle jumping in His rain. 


Because who are we to say what is small? Even a peanut is large to an ant.


I love days like this, when I get to be with friends, and realize something delightful, like I am already being successful. 


(There's a long way to go, for sure, life is a process. I mess up every day. But still. Still. God is using my small life.)