oct 18

I am so sad.

I feel as if all the joy has been sucked out of me.

I knew what/who Invisible Children was before I went tonight, I knew the horrific things. I knew that I would cry. I knew it would be hard.

but I am so sad.

I can't do anything. I don't have much money. I don't know what else to do to help them. To help the children abducted by the LRA in Africa, to help the children all over the world trafficked in the sex trade, to help, to help, to help.

I need to scream and yell. but if I did here, people would worry. I need someplace abandoned. It's not going to happen. So I pace instead. In my room, back and forth, until I am dizzy. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone.

so sad.

If J were not in England, I would ask if I could do my math homework in her room, or apartment just so I would not have to be alone. and she would understand.

and when you think about one sad thing, they all seem to bubble up. they all want a piece of your sadness. all the sad things happening to children. all the things troubling me.

bubble

bubble

bubble

there is always hope.

I do not want to wallow.

I also do not want to brush this aside. I do not want to forget them.

please.

windy,

gorgeous day.

I sat with my Love

in a secret place. (not so secret, but I felt like it was :) )

and enjoyed His presence.

and marveled at the wind,

and how amidst the glorious wind and sun and pine trees,

He would choose to sit with me.

Five Minute Friday: Catch

It's Friday! Which means we write for five minutes flat on one topic. Don't edit, and don't worry about how it sounds. Just write. Then we link up to Gypsy Mama and encourage each other! :) Here is where it started, if you want the "official" rules.

And today's topic is catch.

just. write. go.

Catch me. That's what comes to mind first, Jesus. I want You to catch me. I want You to catch me and put me back on the ground exactly where you want me. That is exactly where I want to be. But what if you have? What if this is where you want me? Where do I go from there? If I knew for a fact, I could trust you. But all I know for a fact right now is that I am frustrated. That and You love me. But oh I am frustrated. It's not Your fault, and I know You're not frustrated like I'm frustrated. But I would love it if You would just catch me. If you would just show me what You're doing. If this is where you want me...

just catch me.

I'm thinking about the church bells, and how they've sounded the same for hundreds of years. And how people have sat in this dorm room and heard them, for decades. And I'm thinking about all the women and men, and before that, just men, who went through universities, and studied hard, and probably, like I do, stared out the window into the sky and daydreamed for a bit after writing an especially confusing sentence. I'm thinking about the privilege of going to university. About how in history, not so many women got to go. I'm thinking about working harder.

a girl post

I'm sorry dears, but I am a girl.

I don't want to say too much. But I'm having an epiphany. (what a cool word!)

Maybe it's him, not me. Maybe he's the one who's not ready for a relationship. Maybe it isn't a huge list of things about me that aren't there yet.

Maybe maybe maybe not,

but it is a freeing thing to consider.

Ache

ugh.

everywhere, people ache.

ache.

all over this world, there are people who are soldiering faithfully on, and they ache. People who are fighting nasty diseases, people who have emotional pain...

everywhere people ache.

and I ache for them.

I ache for you.

Five Minute Friday Forgotten again!

I forgot Five Minute Friday again! :( But I'm going to do it anyway, because I like the writing for five minutes, no editing thing. :) Do you want to do it too? Here are the "rules." The jist: write for five minutes on the given topic and don't edit it! Don't worry if it doesn't sound smooth. Just write!

And yesterday's topic was Ordinary. (I didn't actually have time yesterday anyway, but I'm still sad I forgot. But it's ok. This is my blog, I can write a day late :) )

Ordinary. and go.

I've been thinking about ordinary a lot recently. I've been in lots of situations and places where we share our stories, our hearts. I downplay my story a lot because it is not exciting. It is ordinary. (which technically I suppose it is not because that is a subjective word, like normal. What is normal or ordinary for me is not at all for you... yada yada.) But for me, my life has been ordinary. No traumatic events... I am thankful for that! But when I'm trying to explain to people why I am this way, there's no way to explain. "so um... I grew up in a house, with two parents and some siblings... I had a good life, nothing traumatic ever happened..." Everything that shaped me was internal, not external. Well not everything, I watched my sisters go through magnificent things that shaped my views a lot. But pretty low-key. A few weeks ago someone told me not to downplay my quiet life. She learned through subtlety, she said. The ordinary. I suppose it is needed, I suppose some of us have to hold down the normal. Like I said, I'm thankful for my life. I am. I still want to find some extraordinary in there somewhere though. I know, God makes my life extraordinary. But you know? I want some adventure!

stop.

(I know, adventure will come. But my five minute friday is not going to be smooth and put together, it's going to be what's on my mind. And that is on my mind.)

loves