I'd scream too.

I'd scream too if I were in that sorority. We should all scream out for the things/ones we love. How fun that would be!

I had a fun weekend. laughing and rainbows and a walmart trip and a wedding.

Walked with J tonight, so lovely. The moon coming and going behind the clouds, a bunny!, breezy chillyness. It was just nice.

And now there are murmurs of talking down the hall, which tonight, is nice.

and now I'm listening to this song.

loves!

Five Minute Friday: Friends

Woot! It's Five Minute Friday! Today is when we write for five minutes flat. Don't edit, and don't worry how it reads.

Friends.

and go!

"Just friends" they say. Just friends what? Friendship is plenty strong in my book. You shouldn't have to "just friends" anyone.

I have the best friends. I'm sure a lot of people say that. But it's true. Even the ones I don't talk to all that much, I know they'd drop everything if I needed them. I hope I'd do the same.

There are so many quotes about friendship, and while they're all lovely, none of them capture it just right. Friendship is love, right? I think sometimes friendship is harder than "romantic" love. Not that I would know.

I don't really know what to say about these more concrete topic. But the first things that came to mind were that I really love my friends, and that it drives me nuts when people say they're "just friends" like it's a bad thing. I'd be honored to be "just friends" with you, my dear. That's plenty strong enough for me.

honored.

Friends. I love yous!

sigh

today is hard. i miss it.

21 months and then some.

joy

joy.

I have great joy. It's bubbling, and it's peaceful. A soft, peaceful bubbling.

I am struggling with the hair thing. I do not regret cutting it, and I'm so excited! But I do struggle with wishing it was long. 21 months. more or less. I can't stop thinking about when it will be long enough to braid, long enough to touch my back in a ponytail... I knew it would be hard. I am glad for it.

I feel so much more like me. I know it's not about the feelings, but it feels so good. I am forced to be bold, it's vulnerability at its clearest. I'm already uncomfortable, so I feel as though I might as well talk to people. Already there are wonderful things coming out of this.

and technically, my hair has already started growing. :)

Talk

This isn't finished.

(About Women's Weekend 2011)

We talk about boys (of course), but not in the giggly way. We share our hurts. Our struggles. Share commonalities that neither of us feel good enough for the honorable ones. We wish we could tell them, anonymously. I am fragile. Treat me this way. I respect this, and this, and this. Tell your brothers.

We talk about women, how we stare each other down walking along the sidewalk. How we always compare.

We talk about poop, puke, and period blood. And in what order do they disgust us. We talk a lot about poop.

We drink cocoa and coffee and tea in small tan cups. constantly. We feed each other funny stories and sad ones,

and laugh and ache.

Some of us cry.

Some of us run off to the bathroom for makeshift tissues.

...to be continued...

Haircut!

I have known for awhile that I find too much identity and security in my hair. I am a people pleaser. The easiest way to find approval was through my long hair. On Sunday the 11th, I was sitting in the Union trying to do homework (ha!) and I asked God how I could be who He has made me to be, how to find my identity in Him. I had been feeling like I wasn't being who He has made me. (a story for another day) So I asked a dangerous question. I distinctly heard, "cut your hair." And I said no. I knew that thought wasn't from me, because I would Never suggest that to myself. (And I asked how short, and said no to that too.) And He said some other things that are very true and hurt to hear. But I learned that I idolized my hair. I found my identity in it. I was the girl with the crazy long hair. It was my security blanket- pretty literally.

It took me two weeks to surrender. I thought about it (more like it ate me up), ignored the subject, and then it came back. I talked to some wise people about it, and realized that He didn't demand it from me; it was a suggestion. (But I am slowly learning that when the Creator of the universe suggests something to you it might be a good idea to do it.) I asked for something concrete, and He gave it. Something to make me think of where I find my identity every day.

My heart wanted to do it, to show Jesus that only in Him do I find my identity. I want to be faithful in the small things. I want to show Him I love Him. It is scary, but I want to be pushed. I want new adventures. It's not to gain His approval, and I know He doesn't demand this. It's hard to explain. But my heart is full. happy.

It was suggested that we cut it at Women's Weekend. (I went on a retreat with cru this weekend- 50 women together for a weekend, it was absolutely wonderful.) I didn't think anyone would have the right kind of scissors. But someone did! So Friday night (actually I think it was very early Saturday morning), she cut it. Eleven inches, and then more in layers.

And surprisingly, I feel so beautiful. so full. It was such a lovely place to do it- surrounded by supportive community. It's a new start. fresh. healthy. It's rather symbolic. I'm so excited for adventures with Jesus to come! And my hair does look good. It will grow out, it's just hair. And I will grow with it.

On Saturday morning I went walking in the woods at the camp where the retreat was, alone with Jesus. And alone with Him, nothing else matters. And that is how it should be. I've struggled a bit with it. I'm nervous about people's reactions and questions, and reactions to my answers to their questions. Wondering how long it will take to grow back, all these things... It is not a super easy thing for me to do.

But I am filled with peace. And excitement! And love. I feel so loved. GIDDY loved. I'm so excited to learn about my identity in J alone. So excited for our adventures.

'Cause I'm God's girl! And this is our crazy adventure! and I LOVE IT.

growing as my hair grows. :)

Have a beautiful day!

(also, I thought I should include a before picture. It's not super easy to see, but I don't have a ton of pictures that are just me, with my hair down. so good enough.)

Five Minute Friday! Growing

It's Friday! which means we write for five minutes about a topic, and we don't edit! It doesn't matter what comes out, we just write. :) Here's the official place: The Gypsy Mama, and you can link up there to share your five minutes and encourage others! :D

So for today: Growing.

Go!

Growing. A perfect topic for me this morning. Today I feel beautiful. This is especially nice today, because I am going to cut my hair. I believe God wants me to. I asked him how to live more like He created me to live, how to find my identity solely in Him, and I clearly heard "cut your hair." I would never in a million years suggest this to myself. I argued and said no and argued some more and I have finally surrendered. I am growing to learn about my identity in Christ alone. And the best part is, hair grows. My hair will grow back. (should) My heart is growing. Today feels like an especially grow-y day, because it's wet outside, and you can just see the trees drinking up that water. (I love rain!) Also because I'm doing new things today! So I feel like I'm literally growing, stretching a bit today. It's crazy. I'm actually getting excited about this hair thing. I've talked to some women about it in the past week, to make sure it's right, and one said an interesting thing- to make sure it is not to earn God's approval, but rather to draw closer to Him. Anyways, the word growing makes me all excited, for all these things that are springing up in my life. :)

stop.

Also, it's technically not morning anymore. woops. but close enough. I thought about this post this morning, just didn't have the time to write.

Thanks for reading!