how thirteen dollars could change my life

the simplest things are hardest.

i know what i'm supposed to do.

thirteen dollars.

(or less. maybe free. but i'm terrified to do it. but what a life i could have if i did. if i actually DID something to surrender. if i actually took a step towards letting J be in control of my identity, instead of my appearance, or this culture, or my need for approval.)

the simplest things are hardest.

to just be. to know that i am loved.

to just trust You. You've never failed me before, why do i still have such trouble trusting?

to just be, where You've put me.

if i live what i believe, i don't believe much. especially not the simple things.

i asked Him what to do, how to start living like He created me. He gave me a concrete answer. and it is the hardest thing. i don't want to do it.

i want to want to do this for Him. i want to show Him my love. i want to find my identity in Him.

and it is so hard.

Five Minute Friday: Joy

It's Friday! and that means Five minutes to just write with no editing or over-thinking. I don't usually edit too much, but I do write really slowly and write it all in my head first. So five minute fridays are hard for me. But they're good too, because they're hard.

Here's the deal: Write for five minutes. Don't over think it, don't edit it, don't worry if it sounds dumb. Then you can link up to This Page if you want, and read and encourage other bloggers.

Joy.

GO.

I used to think joy and happiness were the same thing. Now I know they're not. Joy is so much more rewarding. I want to have the type of joy Sara has. A quiet assurance type of joy. When I think of joy, I think of a deep grin welling up from my insides and busting out. But it's not busting with obnoxious screaming and yelling and laughing. (well, sometimes it is.) But mostly, it's a soft, overwhelming, gloriousness, exploding and streaming out and it tastes so sweet.

Joy. A choice. Sometimes it's so hard to choose joy. But it is so necessary.

Today I am joyful because of a possible opportunity, because the clouds are beautiful. I am joyful because soon Sara gets to be with Jesus. (Or maybe she is now, I don't know yet) I am joyful because of an assurance, and it explodes into making me grateful for all of these beautiful things. The sky, friends, square dancing tonight, smiling at the squirrels on campus, giggling at the wind, remembering that it doesn't matter if my nose works or not, I am LOVED! That is joy.

joy joy joy joy!!

Joyful for you, Miss Sara!

aaaaand... stop.

Gitz

Gitz, Sara, is going Home. She might be there now.

I found her blog one night through (in)courage, not wanting to do my homework. I read it for a long time, and then was called upon to take care of a friend who'd had an injury, probably right as I was blog reading.

I've read her blog regularly since then, and felt connected to her.

She's going Home.

I'm sad, because I will miss such a beautiful person, even if I never got to meet her. But I am happy for her, because she will be healed. No more being homebound. No more being tired. No more hurting. Just joy. Joy Joy Joy. Her word. Her motto.

I am sad that her family has to lose her.

I am sad for Riley, her dog who has faithfully loved her, and been homebound himself these years.

I am sad, and I am happy.

Gitz, I'll meet ya at Home.

~P

and tonight He gave me fireworks.

i am fake.

i can't keep doing it like this.

this isn't me.

I am waaay different than everyone else.

waaaaaaay.

why am i not living that way?

i need to stop

and figure

it

out.

Five Minute Friday.

Five Minute Friday. In real life...

In real life I share things with people. Deep things, with deep people.

In real life I spin in wet grass and laugh at the wind, and skip under the stars, and this is normal. Not strange, not cheesy, not childish, normal.

In real life I am alone with J, marveling at how he made the trees and why he picked such a gorgeous color for the sky.

In real life I approach strangers and speak to them of love, and ask them what they are passionate about, and laugh with them.

In real life I am lovely, and I let myself be.

In real life I let myself be. I just be. With J. With people.

In real life I enjoy the simplest things, I have real conversations with people I love, I share with them my heart.

That's real life. This, this is not real life.

This is living, and finding joy in simple things, and enjoying...

But in real life I am different. In real life I know I am loved and beautiful, and have things to give and teach. In real life I know that I am God's girl. In real life I let myself be emotional and deep and melt into piano music and dance when I am happy or sad or pensive...

Much

My weekend was rather difficult. But it made me so thankful for the life I have. And it followed through my week. Here are some things that happened, or things I am thankful for this week.

a good conversation with a friend

random sightings of other friends

my first jamba juice smoothie

the weather- chilly/windy/rainy

dinner with a good friend

the sunset tuesday night shining right into my face

swing dancing tuesday night-crazy fun

play-doh party with my friends and a children's story

a walk at night with J and the wind

monarch butterflies

a new Noticed one around

a letter from my sister far away

a book I needed arrived

re-connecting with some more friends

seeing dogs

having the door held for me properly*

looking down into puddles and seeing up into the sky

sweet time with J

renewed motivation- a solid time studying

enjoying my classes

I will be adding things. The day is young yet. :)

What is good in your life today?

*The proper way of door holding means that the holder (preferably a guy) waits for the other person to go through before going through at all, and in such a manner that the person going through does not have to touch the door at all. It was especially nice for me because it was raining, and still he waited for me to go inside first. That is chivalry right there.