a few days left

My bedroom windows have been open for at least five days. I think probably more. :) I love having the room somehow connected to the outside.

Three glorious sunset days in a row. Friday night was purplepink clouds fading into blue. Saturday was gold shining against dark grey, and then there was a HUGE rainbow, and then the clouds rolled away. And tonight, sunshine after rain after sunshine and now there is evening sun creeping into my room.

A Thousand Splendid Suns. Books like this remind me how blessed I am. To have a father who loves me just as much as Mama does. To live in a place that has been peaceful.

In a few days I will go back. All summer I had the romanticized view of it, the conversations with people and the spontaneous sunset walks... Suddenly I remember the hard things too, of which there are plenty. How can I make them less hard, see them differently? The dinners alone, the lack of nature like I love, the cramped room, very little privacy, the incessant noise... how can I see these things differently? How can I find friends who want deep conversations, meaningful conversations. It will be fine. I wasn't 100% ready to leave in the spring, even living in that place. The summer has definitely changed me- has continued changing me. I mean, the summer hasn't, G has. But the time period. Between this time last year and now, I am different. It might not show on the outside, but I am more calm, more resolute, more bold, more free. Not perfect, not finished, but started. It will be fine. I have a hideous but super cool jacket and orange pants bought for a dollar and a new bracelet. Not that these make me, but that I can wear them without your approval is a lovely step. (Though you would approve.) (You as a general term you know, not you specific.)

Anyway. I will go back and immerse myself in Psychology and battle the lies about my intelligence with math. I think it will be good. I'm excited. :)

Off to

You might be off on some crazy adventure- to some beautiful new place. I am happy for you. I am trying to not be jealous, holding to hope that one day I will get to go someplace beautiful and new. I am off to the familiar. To have adventures in a place I have come to realize is unexpectedly beautiful, finding beauty in the apple skins and sunsets from the laundry room window. To find wilderness wherever I am, be it in the desert (figuratively) or the oasis. To take the things I have learned these past three months and smash them together with things I have yet to learn. To experience the life that has been freely given. To dance.

August 7

I did not edit this. I wrote it after we came in from the rain. I wrote it in a flurry of excitement, you know the feeling when you get really inspired? So I don't care if it smells like rotten tomatoes, it is an account of excitement. This is me, y'all. When the rain comes, and the wind blows, mmm I get so excited!

We eat dinner with our faces turned toward the sky. At first it is blue and then the grey clouds roll and twist and swirl in from the North. The big birds ride air currents sideways, swept across the sky, no need for flapping wings. We are rich- the ones who get to sit on our deck and eat fresh food and watch the sky dance and clouds bubble over with emotion. We are the first witnesses to the low thunder rumbles as the storm gently rolls South. We feel every whisper of wind across our arms and faces, no change in temperature is lost to us. We wait for rain- maybe it will come, maybe it will roll on by. We make a plan. You take the glasses, I’ll take the plates, all the while watching the most beautiful display of love and joy and power. And when it finally rains we gather the ldft over corn and beans and head in, to open windows and turn on the fans. We are rich- to have these windows that open to beautiful views of water pouring, to trees, to rolling skies and sometimes, to a patch of blue sneaking through. We are rich, to witness it all and the break of clouds that follows to sunshine beneath, and the exact moment the insects start conversing and the birds start singing into sunset. We, the witnesses of air, of glory, so rich.

poem

well, sad I'll miss out on the next Friday five. (going to a wedding! out of town.)

and a poem that has taken me hours to write and is still not finished on a conversation with a friend, and the sky tonight.

{this is a plea}

You make the sky sing.

You make the clouds laugh,

the wind skip.

the peace that comes from a

starlit night is Yours.

but all the beauty contained

cannot hold the panic.

i can't keep your heart safe.

i can't force Him to.

you need more than a word,

more than a laugh.

why are you so afraid of life?

if you knew

all the times

i've broken

for you and ones with you.

if you knew how many hours

spent waiting on benches,

how many hours

of frosty breathing

februarys.

how many nights.

if you could compare this

to all those i have lost,

you would not go.

you would not forget.

you are not forgotten.

tomorrow there will be some sky.

my anger will melt, somehow.

Your peace will fill me up, again.

and you.

you are so much more.

foul

I am pretty much in the foulest mood ever. On the surface I am gleefully happy. Last night was crazy fun, I got to spend time with wonderful people. But I am frustrated. It seems I am always frustrated at myself. I woke up from a terribly wonderful dream. I woke up and realized that it wasn't real, that it wouldn't happen in real life, and that is terribly depressing. And it was so wonderful, I can't seem to shake it. Then I thought running a mile might help direct my mind elsewhere, but it was storming pretty hard so we didn't run.

So I am frustrated. And I am finding that frustrated is one of my least favorite ways to feel.

The (in)courage post today offers me this hope: "But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18,19)

{por favor, papa}

She stared at me for awhile, and then, "I like your skirt. It's bright." A compliment from a little girl. That's what I want, to be childlike in those areas. Bright colors.

A dream to be beautiful in the purest way, like children. bright.

A walk in the woods with a friend who understands.

refreshed.

My family has great conversations

Today, my dad mentioned that he read an article about how if there are more men in a room than women, they act more aggressively, they show off more. So this congress stuff isn’t going to get fixed quickly. I got super excited about the article because I think it would be really cool to write something/make a documentary about males. Territories, and all that. I’d compare men with different animals and their male dynamics. Anyway, we were wondering about how it would work, and it almost sounds backwards, that with just men less would get done, but then, you don’t put all the bulls in one pen even if there are no cows there. Or roosters. You only keep one rooster in the pen even if you don’t keep chickens. So we were wondering if every congressman brought his wife, would that help the process? The article also says that they need something that is going to change now, like taking away their parking spaces. Then maybe they could change something.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/07/29/138802290/political-negotiations-also-shaped-by-human-psychology