thankful for:

1. snow

2. not much homework.

3. quiet

4. good music

5. good friends

6. Dinner with E. And in talking to her, remembering that it's not just me. And realizing that she understands too.

So how do I get me out? How do I get the joy out? How do I start acting like who I am inside?

Something in me is breaking. Literally. I hate all this metaphor stuff. "Take one step towards G and he will come meet you." Well how do I do that? I'm trying here, but I feel nothing. I know that love and believing isn't feeling, but it sure would help. But besides that, I feel quite literally like something is breaking inside of me. In a good way.

But how do I get me out?

I feel like you think I'm bland and boring.

The world will always hate me.

I think the problem is I've begun to hate the world.

Stop assuming you know who I am inside.

Stop assuming I'm bland like cooked carrots just because I don't cuss or make sick jokes or watch gory movies.

Don't censor yourself around me for MY sake.

Don't say empty things like, "aww, we love you" and then continue to disrespect me.

Don't say to my face, "we're waiting for you to leave so we can watch this movie." Hate to break it to you, but it's my room too.

Don't say, "three against two we're watching it." when you're in my room. you can watch that movie somewhere else. I am NOT having that on while I'm in my room.

I shouldn't have to find somewhere else to go to do homework.

Don't say you're in the presence of "polite company" and then clarify that that means me.

Don't call me a loser, even in a joking way. I like words like darling and dear, not loser and bleep.

Stop assuming you know me.

You don't understand.

You never will.

I have listened to Sia's Breathe Me four times in a row and will continue to do so until I go outside and blow off steam out there.

Times like these I wish I had a good friend here who would drop everything and just walk with me outside, quietly, not saying anything, or just let me be in their room. Or just give me a hug and understand. Or just let me cry and not ask a million questions. Or maybe I do have that friend. Maybe I'm too afraid to ask her.

Do I give off such a boring image? Do I act like a cooked carrot? What gives people the impression I'm so dull?

well yeah. that's my heart tonight.

Update: I went over to my wonderful friend Joan's suite for a bit and that was SO nice. It was wonderful just to get out of my room and take a good walk across campus. I didn't bring my ipod, and as I was walking back I realized how wonderful it was to just walk in quiet. So anyway, many thanks to Joan! (And Nicole for listening too!) So my day started well and ended well. All's well that ends well, right?

Tired

Tired.

like, need a retreat in the mountains tired.

like, "Oh, my G" song by Jars of Clay tired.

like, I have poetry to write but something won't let the words out tired.

Tired.

plastic bags or cardboard boxes?

Katy Perry's song "Firework" starts with the line, "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind?" I hear the song a LOT and so I've thought about her question. I'm sure some people could relate to that, and it is a perfectly lovely song (just incredibly over played. But! I'd rather have "Firework" over played than some other songs.) Anyway, No, I have never felt like a plastic bag. I relate more to cardboard boxes. Let me explain? When you see a plastic bag stuck blowing around in a tree, or bouncing along on the ground, the first thing you think is, "is it a bird?" (ok, that's what I think. I can't exactly speak for you.) And then you realize it's a plastic bag. You might be sad that there is trash way up there in the tree, or pick it up off the ground, or you might just go on your way. But you noticed it. A cardboard box, on the other hand, sits there in its soggyness on the side of the highway and no one gives it a further glance, unless they mistake it for roadkill or it has puppies in it.) So they're both unwanted pieces of garbage, cardboard boxes are practically invisible. And no one ever mistakes them for birds. Just sayin'.

:) have a nice day!

Well imagine that.

I can't get the words out. I can't find words at all. I have time, I have a pencil, and I have paper.

And I can't find the words.

I have an idea, two ideas actually. I need to write it. But the words are being elusive today.

Imagine that.

Feb 2

So it did snow! Quite a bit! And it winded more and there are lovely large piles of snow all over campus! My first class got canceled because the classroom door was locked. (amazing!) Second class was canceled from the beginning of the semester because the prof is at a conference. Third class is a video, which he said we could watch on our own. And it just got really bright outside like the sun might come out or something. I had a lovely lunch at the dial today (alone) and saw four! people I sort of know. I'm going to go play later and take pictures!! ...Also, I'm reading the Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson for my craft of poetry class. It's brilliant, but oh so sad. (It's a novel in verse.) I started it before my first class (which turned out to be canceled) and then went back to the union to keep reading. An hour later when I looked at my watch thinking it had been twenty minutes I was almost done. (It's a quick read) It sucked me in. :) So Lara and Clarissa and I played in the snow for a few hours this afternoon. We climbed up and down the "mountains." It was fantastica! Then we got starbucks. (I got chai. mmmm) Then I got back and had a spontaneous dinner with my good friend Emily! Now I need to do homework. Happy Happy day!! :D