five days, and i go back to a summer of heartbreak.

last year i was scrambling to finish the physical things. this year, i'm trying to get my mind/heart/soul set to go.

I stand outside and look at the cloudy sky, watch the fireflies like tiny, bouncing shooting stars. The world has been heavy lately, I whisper. I don't know how to put it down, give it up, let it go.

Let us not fall asleep.

Let us not fall asleep.

Let us not lie down and sleep when the hard comes because it is easier than standing.

Let us not choose the path of least resistance.

Even if we cannot physically help, let our minds and hearts be resolute in the way that is right.

Let us search for opportunities to go into the hard and shine our small candles.

Give us the patience and the courage to seek out the lost.

Give us the courage and boldness to storm the keep.

Remind us of what we have not earned. Remind us of love.

Show us how to share everything, how to be hospitable with our words, our time, our hands, the way that we walk.

Remind us to dance, to rejoice in the promise. Remind us to play, to thank.

Let us hold firm to our allegiance to the Kingdom.

Make us bold to stand before kings. Make us bold in love.

Give us the wisdom and strength to be quiet, to wait, to move, to shout.

Hold us steady.

cliche, hope piece

once you start to care about the world, there's no going back.

some people don't seem to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. I can cry just reading a news article.

sometimes I forget where I am and what I am doing.

I think that's one of the problems with America- we so easily forget that there is a world out there.

and then I remember and my heart cracks into pieces- but there is always hope. It might be a miniscule piece. But it is there.

The people who are helping, even if they are shut down. Even if they aren't known about, even if they'll never even be able to help one person, the people who have chosen the right way, there is always hope.

(mostly a reminder for me. for the next time I remember where I am and the responsibility and my heart smashes.)

Things I like about not having air conditioning

When I was little, I'd dream of the day I had a place with A/C. I loved sleeping at my friends' houses in the summer, being able to sleep under covers all year long.

But now, I hope I never have to live in a place where A/C rules. I've grown to love the air. :) (It sounds silly sometimes, even to me, as I would choose winter any day.)

• the satisfying way my skin cools down late at night- still sticky, but cool.
• breezes. I appreciate each of them.
• walking down near the river or in the woods because it is cooler there
• listening to owls at night through the open windows
• having the windows open at night, and the scent of the air filling the house
• feeling ice melt in my mouth
• appreciating a good glass of ice water
• lying in bed with just a sheet, or not, feeling the heat. I feel it connects me, somehow, to the rest of the world, to everyone else depending on breezes
• the experience of the temperature dropping before a summer storm.
• the coolness of morning and evening
• smells- honeysuckle, rain, summer...
• even the little no-see-um bugs that get in through the window screens. 

I'll be adding to the list. I think I appreciate life, air, more. And in an Anne of Green Gables sort of way, it's kind of romantic. 

haha!

I don't know if it's the warm weather or God or what, but I have found myself laughing all the time.

I catch myself walking down the street with a tremble in my throat, a laugh erupting- the type that causes me to throw my head back and let one rip- a laugh that is. :)

I laugh just thinking of something remotely funny.

I laugh any time I look at pictures of Debrecen. My heart hurts about that, but all the same, I laugh.

When I pray aloud, often I dissolve into giggles.

I love it, these soul giggles I have no control over. :)

revision

"This year was so hard. In my heart I was still sitting in the scratchy grass, annoyed by the ants, fire in my bones. 

God broke me down in beautiful ways, and surrounded me with beautiful people. 

Somehow it is warm again, summer is coming, somehow I am going back. (God willing) And I'll be back to this place again, another year to learn and grow and break and mold and morph."

I wrote this in another post- on the third of May. And already, only two weeks later already it has changed. 

In my heart I was still sitting in the scratchy grass, annoyed by the ants, fire in my bones. God broke me down in beautiful ways, and surrounded me with beautiful people.

Somehow it is warm again, summer is coming, somehow I am going off on a new grand adventure. Back to Hungary, but not to my beloved place. I will go where God wills, and I'll be back to this place again, another year to learn and grow and break and mold and morph. 

No longer can I categorize my life in school years and summers. It's turned into a steady melting and turning of seasons. 

Two days, and the plans for my life are changed. Does that sound dramatic to you? The experience in the refugee reception centre in Debrecen, Hungary changed my life. I knew that this summer would change me more, but I thought it would be there, and it isn't any more. It's somewhere else, all new people... 

Anyways, all this to say, it changes so fast. 

God willing.