Gifts

I learned, too late to raise the money, that I should be bringing $300 with me on my trip this summer. I was annoyed to learn so late, and stressed about having enough. I could afford to take three hundred out of my bank account, and did (well, 250) but not happily. I don't have any money going into the account, and not a ton in there to begin with. So I stressed.

Today, June 15th, two days before I leave, one of my mom's best friends handed me five twenties. An hour and a half later, a neighbor gave me a check for $200.

The exact amount my organization wanted me to have.
All in one day.

As usual, blown away by God's kindness and generosity~ and the faithfulness of his people.
___________________________

If nothing else, this trip is going to open my eyes to God. and that is enough.

When I do not give in to fear, I am so excited. 


I know this trip is going to be intense and alarming and overwhelming. I know I won't be comfortable and it will be hard. Life changing usually is. I know that if I lean on Jesus, it will be glorious too. I know that if I remember that I am not doing this for myself, or any person, but only for Jesus, amazing things will happen in my heart.

I was not made for fear. God knows...

God knows.

She is home

I run to her house like we were never apart. Give her papa a hug, toss my bag on the floor, and I am down the stairs. Wrapped into a huge hug. We are together again.

We spend the rest of the afternoon, evening just being. We don't have to entertain each other, we just do what we do and one of us tags along, poking and prodding and hugging the whole time.

After supper I play with her hair, attempting braids. We talk of boys and God and the world. We wrestle with what we believe, cover every topic we think of. We go deep, everything is deep.

And then when night settles in thick, I walk her to the alley and we sprint to our houses, giggling loud so we can hear each other arrive safe. Safe from raccoons and coyotes and owls. It is a silly thing to do, we are silly. :)

She is home.

Sunday Community

Trying this. Posting a picture and a verse or two.

Acts 28:31
He proclaimed the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ—with all boldness and without hindrance!


I think normally that's all they post with this. But I want to say a few things. It's my last sunday at church in this place, for a while. I decided on a whim to get prayed for, I usually don't, I'm pretty timid when it comes to that stuff. But I'm going on a trip, that's a good reason I thought. 


Anyways, she said she saw me in my element. And that gave me peace.


I've been thinking a lot about not being afraid. I know G doesn't want me to be afraid.


And then there was a pastor from a bumpy place, and his faith is basically life or death, and my pastor offered to have him pray for boldness for us. So I was prayed over for boldness too. 


It was a beautiful morning. 


I'm ready. 
(I mean, ha, no I'm not. I still need material things and I'm never going to be 100% there, not till Home... but you know. Ready enough to run with this.)

Saturday night facebook chat

you ask as if you know the answer,
when in reality the answer is too far from you.

i fear you're wasting your time
i fear my chalky answers will stick in your brain but not wash down to your heart
and make you stuck.

but if anything,
talking to you reminds me of how lost you are,
how stuck, already.

you used to be my brother.

and now you only talk to me when you're drunk
or nearly there i guess.
or not sober enough to think first.

your words are empty, lonely.

you ask me if i want to argue
sir, i'm in love with the Creator of the universe.
your arguments mean nothing to me,
a girl in love.

but J tells me to be ready for this-
and i'm totally not.

but talking to you
reminds me how much i need my Love,
reminds me how much i have...

you're lonely. i know that for a fact,
not because anything you've said- you seem to have it all together-
but just because i know.
i know you are.

so i'll let you carry this conversation.
five more minutes
and i need to sleep.

my heart aches for yours.
for yours to know you are loved
loved
loved

once you knew.
or thought you did...

goodnight.

Five Minute Friday: Expectation

Five Minute Friday. We write for five minutes, no editing, just let yourself be. What comes to mind at this word: Expectation?

Expectation, I thought to myself, whatever do I write about that?
I think about how we are supposed to come to G with expectation. I think about how I don't do that.
I think about how I can't remember the last time I honestly, truly, with-my-heart expected something from G. I mean, it's tricky business, for sure.

For sure.

I expect...

that fear is part of who I am
that I am this
or this
or this,
and never this,
not good enough for this...

I'd never say it to your face, or mine, or His.

I don't do polished.

Raw, sharp, crusty.
I do not expect things from G, and I don't go to Him. I expect things for other people, but not me.

Don't edit, that's the "rule." Just write what comes out. This came out.

Por favor, don't try to polish this up.

A Letter

Dear H,

We've been through a lot, you and me. We've gone to some very dangerous places together. You never listened to me very well- but then, I wasn't very assertive so I suppose you didn't know you had to. 

I never understood how you could be deceitful and the wellspring of my life. But I understand a bit better now. In your quest to be lovely, you trespass into places you shouldn't go. My dear, you've got to just let yourself be- where you are. There you are enough. But you chase things that aren't good for you and in your desperation you become deceitful. Anything to get what you want, even tricking me. It's rude you know, you know it doesn't work. 

You only hurt yourself- and the rest of me, with your schemes to get what you want. But you don't know what you want. And more importantly, what you need. When you let yourself just be, you realize, I know you do, that you have everything you want and everything you need. When you look around you, you understand. 

My dear, I can't keep you safe. Every minute, I can give you to the One who can. That is what I can do. That is all I can do. That has to be enough for you. You have to accept that. This is no longer containable inside of me. Darling, I'm giving you up. I know the warnings to guard you and keep you safe, but I've tried and I don't know how to treat you right. So I'm giving you up. Please accept that. 

I understand now, I hope you do too.

Sincerely,

P