India, again, always.

In this house I have to shout to be heard. And then, many times, no one acknowledges I’ve said anything. No wonder I’m quiet in other places. Well, and the fact that I cannot talk about weather.

Playing with light. I thought that sounded poetic.

Sweat. Best for contemplating though, I think.

I started a book about Gladys Alyward today. Oh my goodness. Crazy story. Really amazing. God stuff.

I went for a meandering bike ride tonight. The sun was just starting to set. Said some hellos, raced a dog down the fence.

It is when I have no semblance of control in a situation that I am happiest- that I feel secure. I’d rather watch a lightening storm outside. Only God can protect me there, and there I am most safe.

I need to go back to India. Maybe it is a want, I don’t know. It was overwhelming and uncomfortable and hot and scary and beautiful. Overwhelming, but it wasn’t empty. This place is empty. I think about emptiness a lot, because I feel its presence. Or, perhaps, I feel the absence of life. Life isn’t the right word either. Of course there is life here, but it isn’t full.

My parents and I watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel today. Really good. It captured India pretty well I think, at least for a visit. And it set me off again, wanting to bring life to America. One of the quotes in the movie said something like it is a place that “assaults the senses.” And for some, it is what they’re used to and they just go about their daily lives. And for others, the goal is to survive, the hope is to thrive.

You can’t just plod through life there.

I wrote about my passions changing. I want to be somewhere where life is full, but I want Americans to have that. I want to assault their senses.

White birds.

I want to chase life. No- scratch that. I will chase life. And I will drag you along with me. I will ask you deep, probing questions. I won’t settle for talking about weather.

I believe God has plans for this.

The best kind

This is the best kind of night.

I worked a lot today. Painted, mowed the lawn, helped out at the church clothing sale. Mama and I watched The Vow and drank hard lemonade. And now, it is 11:29, and I need to be going to bed because I have to leave for church at 8. But. I am sitting in my room at my desk, the desk light on, and my room is messy. Clothes, and random things- sunglasses, bracelets, my camera, a necklace from last night- lots of things. Sometimes I like to be messy because it reminds me there are more important things in my life than cleaning my room. I'm listening to Be Here Now by Ray Lamontagne. I like this song a lot. I'm PMSing, so my brain feels all at once alert and fuzzy. It's hot, the window is open, plaid pajama pants that we bought at Walgreens four years ago. I smell of sweat.

The best kind of night. When you're up too late and your brain is calm and thoughtful. And your room is warm-bright, and there are piles of things.





An interesting day.
warm-bright.
good.

Good night Lovelies~
P

deer baby and stars

Today I grumpily went out to spend some time with G.

Saw something through the fence in the neighbor's yard, a rabbit? 
a fawn!

It stayed in the middle of the yard for a few hours and then moved to under a bush.
(I did research. It was safe.)

So basically all day I would do a few things, and then run outside to check on Deer. :)

and then in the evening my papa and I camped out there.
It was so nice, to just sit in the quiet (though with the birds it was really quite loud) and relax.

and then when the sun set, the stars became visible and it was beautiful.
his bush spot. We thought this was pretty clever.
 
 yeah, I wear crocs. They feel like pillows on my feet.

 the endish of the sunset. Some geese flew by in perfect formation. (Well, what is perfect, really? But it was perfect to me.

:) ahhh the simple things. I need to just sit outside more!

and oh how He loves me all the time! though I don't deserve it at ALLLLL. WOAH J! A whole day to have my maternal instincts wig out over a baby deer, a whole day to enjoy the beauty of spring, and stars, and just... woaaaah! :)

Wednesday thoughts from a Moroccan journal.

Engrave Your laughter 

onto my bones,

these aching joints

cannot giggle so loud.

This. is Your laughter painted

on this ceiling.

Your joy echoes in this 

damp air

of this stone room,

fills up our lungs with

soft rejoicing,

whispers to let go of later,

in the soft surrender of dusk.

and You are all of it.

MercyMe The Hurt and the Healer
hearing this song for the first time on the radio right now. finding it rather soothing.
right after I refuse by Josh Wilson.

My university has lost too many people.

Jesus, help me to stay awake to the need for you.

Heart!
What are you doing?
Get ahold of yourself!

8 hours in a car, both ways is 16. Your mind goes where it pleases. Your heart loses itself in those beautiful mountains, those trees, that sunshine.

Hold me steady, Jesus. You're it. You're it.

changing

My passions are changing. It's slightly scary. I do not know if this is what God wants, or if my heart is choosing to be rebellious. I'm not worried, it is just an interesting something to think about. And I do think I am allowed to think about it.

Example. My heart wants to live in some rugged, beautiful place far away. Some place that is full of life and draining. Some place that is not empty of meaning or spirituality or life. I think, if I am honest with myself, I am afraid of loneliness. Fear might not be the right word. But whatever the emotion it brings (besides itself, of course), I don't like it. It is not at all pleasant to be lonely, not at all comfortable. And I know I say all the time that we (followers of Jesus) are not called to comfort, but loneliness is one type of uncomfortable I just don't want to deal with.

But. I also want to fight against loneliness and emptiness. I hate being lonely. But I want to go into the lonely places. And when I think of lonely places, I do not think of the culture rich places I dream about living in, I think of America.

I remember reading once that people working with Mother Theresa, when given the opportunity to work in Calcutta or America, often chose Calcutta because of the loneliness in America. I can't remember the book I read that in, but I haven't forgotten it. (Also I can't seem to find the right version of the word- Kolkata or Calcutta...)

I am sure lonely exists in every city of the world, but I cannot shake the feeling I will live here, at least for some portion of my life. (I mean, I already do, have, but you know.)

I know. I still have time. No need to think about that far into the future yet. But I like to.

I'm not saying anything. I trust God. There is no doubt in my mind that my life in Him will be full.

His opportunities for my life are endless. I would love to work with victims of human trafficking, but even more, I would love to communicate to men that buying sex is not allowed, not okay. I do believe that every one matters. And I also want to get to the root of the problem, the hearts. Every one girl who is rescued is incredibly important, and every one heart that is changed is also incredibly important. Stopping the selling and buying of human beings would be glorious. And changing the heart of one person to fight the trade, or at least decide not to take part in it would be beautiful too.

I believe in going to the unreached people groups and translating Books and showing films in jungles, and giving goats and sponsoring children and teaching sustainable farming methods and teaching English and sermons and all that good stuff.

My passions are changing. It's not that some are going away and others are filling the place, but that my heart's desires are becoming narrowed, and clear, and perhaps even broadening. There are more opportunities, so so so many ways God can use me, and the end goal is incredibly narrow. Show them Jesus, give an opportunity to step away from the lonely, the empty.

Well, enough rambling for now, I'm going outside. I will probably come back and ramble more later. ;)
thanks for reading.