Five Minute Friday

I haven't done a Five Minute Friday in a while. But when I saw the word this week...

I laughed out loud. Well, it was more a "HA!" than an actual giggle, so I figured it might be good for me to write something. Trust. That's been on my mind a lot lately. Faith, trust, clarity, what to do, when to do it, is this Your voice, God, or mine in my head? I don't have a lot of trust. Trust is my friend's word for the year, and so every time I talk to her we talk about it. It has sort of become a word for me too, though I haven't asked God if I should focus on it. But it comes up. Every day. I have to trust that God knows what He's doing. That He can use whatever He wants. That He doesn't need me to make suggestions as to how to get things done. I want to write something soft and fuzzy about it, but I just don't have it. I ache for trust, but my brain wants things done my way, things done now. Frustration. God's not frustrated with me. I know that. But to trust that...

The snow is so lovely, restoring my soul. Or rather, God is using the snow to restore my soul. Went for a walk with L, we walked all the way out to the airport. You can see for miles out there. Not my kind of scenery, but beautiful nonetheless. Walked through some big fields with mud puddles to dodge pretending we were in the arctic with polar bears just around the corner. Big, fluffy flakes. I caught a cluster on my glove and stared at them for a few seconds, how beautiful they were! Then I ate them, so they could melt into me and be mine. Dusk, and now it is dark. Well, as dark as it can be with those orange lights. But out there, less lights, lovely. It took us an hour and fifteen minutes to make the giant square around campus and past the airport. Bliss. My fingers tingle as I type this, and my ears, and my nose is coming back to me. Delight.

it was something like this: "we get married and then try to fall in love. you fall in love then try to stay married." said by a friend from india.

sometimes i would like an arranged marriage. the stereotypes aren't the norm, you know.

blessings

I am so blessed. Seriously. A friend once told me how it annoys her when people gush about how blessed they are, so if that's how you feel, I'm sorry to annoy you. But I can't hold this in! 


My friend E said that she thinks thankfulness is the root of joy. I think I agree. Anyways, it sounds good. :) 


Even when hard things happen, G has surrounded me with such people. Tonight was good for my soul. Dinner with a friend, which turned into three friends, and then an adventure, and then a walk with another friend, while drinking chai and hot chocolate, marveling at the moon, and telling our non-stories about the creepy eye contact we've had lately. 


Last night was good for my soul. Monday night was good for my soul. Sunday night... it goes and goes. G has blessed me with amazing friendships. 

Things I am thankful for today:
cinnamon gum
Songs of Water (band. you should check them out.)
the moon
dinner with friends
the walk with L, and our catch up conversation
the stars
talking about cows
the nice people in the coffee shop
chai tea
people
my hair
that my first class was cancelled and I got extra sleep
getting to know the dinner friends better
giggling
sneezing

poem

we wish

we could be like crickets.

we wish we could be as we are

without wanting what we have not.

take it or leave it, his song.

there are a million others.

you just can’t hear them so clear.

sing if you like,

it won’t help.

you can’t.

yesterday’s rain

hasn’t loosened your wings-

you weren’t meant to fly

you weren’t meant to sing.

a mallard is beautiful

a lion has a mane

a male cricket sings

songs said to bring blessings.

you weren’t made to sing.

wait.

and always be thankful.

(I wrote this for a class last year. My workshop group didn't understand it, which is fine. I didn't write it for them. I don't think we need to understand everything, poetry or otherwise.)

chase

this is not about me. this life, i mean. sometimes i feel like blogs are such self-centered places. you don't have to read this, but still.

i wanted to write something about how we all chase after "pretty," whatever the heck that is. (actually, we don't all.) i wanted to write about how i'm sick of my friend(s) asking over and over and over, am i pretty? does this look good? and saying how hard they've tried, how bad they look but oh they've tried. i just want to yell, STOP! when did pretty become good enough? when did pretty become something worthy of chasing? when did you get sucked into that lie?

i want to be beautiful, not pretty. and i struggle too. but deep down inside i know i was made beautiful. and that it's the inside that makes the outsides look nice. and it's the insides that matter. and if someone doesn't like my insides, they're not worth my time. and if my insides aren't beautiful, i'm not worth theirs.

i wanted to write about that. but that's as far as i could get before getting disgusted with friends' questions and desperate needs for approval.

and then i wanted to tell you that my passions are changing, growing, narrowing. i want to be a mama to kids who didn't start out mine. i want to speak to men about things they might not know, about pornography, and prostitution, and how it's NOT OKAY to buy sex. EVER. i want to tell the world that rescuing is beautiful, and i want to rescue, but we have to get to the source. the people who buy sex. and mostly, that is men.

then i wanted to tell you that i fought for joy, and battled depression, and became happy again.

and that these people are crazy. they're goofs. and i love them. all of them.

(up from the depths. songs of water.) 

I've wanted to blog for days now. But every time I start a post, I realize that the things I want to say aren't things I have words for. or I have too many words and they don't work together.